Anyone surviving a multi-generational household?

nice to see so many encouraging notes. In our multi generational family, I am the elder....go figure...Namaste and thanks all...oliveoyl

So sorry that things aren't working out so good in your family, Summer123. In my home, things get better all the time. As time goes on, my mom has gained trust, and no longer accuses us of stealing. Also, another nice thing is that with other family members there, especially if one other is an adult, it allows you time off. My daughter watched her while I went on a cruise last year. Now my daughter is the one on vacation. Because my daughter is here, I can actually go shopping alone, or out to dinner or a movie with a friend. I feel bad for those who are doing it alone. I don't think I could. Even though I do almost all the work, it's still nice to get a break. Try using the 'multi-generation family' to your advantage.

Sometimes living with an elderly parent at the same time as you are with your children is not always in the best interest for all concerned. If all parties are willing to be understanding of the condition of Dementia and the senior can handle being around the family, it will work. Most times, this is not often the case. Every family dynamic is different. If the elderly person has the financial means, the person should go to an assistive living home. I am not so fortunate. I have my 81 year old dad living with me and my 17 year old daughter. He's been with us for over three years, and it has caused strife for me and my family. They simply do not like him or have patience to tolerate him. He has no money saved up for assisted living, and we are "stuck" taking care of him even though he is very challenging at times. We inquired about Medicaid, but it is a very difficult process in our state. We have very minimal social services in our state. We caretakers have minimal support with all of the responsibility. I work full time and have no help from my sister who lives in another state. This living situation almost brought me to having to seek therapy. It wouldn't help though. My one saving grace is the fact that my daughter will be going to college next year. So, perhaps tensions will settle down then in the family. Have your mom in AL if possible. This will give the senior what he/she needs and will give you and the other family members what they need. Otherwise, this could be a recipe for disaster.

I live in a multi generational household. My father lives with me as well as my grandmother who is 93 years old and also my daughter. So pretty much 4 generations. Can definately be a challenge at times. My grandmother is in the moderate stage of Alzheimers. My dad is totally blind but is also completely independent. The only thing we have to do for him pretty much is provide his meals and transportation places and do his laundry once or twice a week. As I said before, it can be quite the challenge at times. But also can be a blessing. My daughter is so very helpful with caring for my grandmother and it makes it nice to be able to get away from the house now and then even if it is a quick trip to the store or something. It is wonderful having my dad here. His sister that lives out of state also has alzheimers, so we both can relate to one another regarding how frustrating it can be now and then and bounce ideas my way to try. So as far as behaviors go, he totally understands and never complains about anything. I wouldnt change our arrangement for the world! I honestly like the idea of being able to care for my grandmother and my dad full time. I took care of my husbands dad up until he passed away from lung cancer 2 years ago as well. There is a sense of inner peace and content knowing that I did everything that I could within my power to make a difference in their lives and that we were able to fully express in every possible way how much we love them.

I feel for you. I would considering moving out and letting them have the place.

I have my mom 78 living with me and my husband. We also have my 30 yr old son living with us until he can manage to get out on his own. His 8 yr daughter comes to stay at least every other weekend and we have 4 other grandchildren that want to come and stay over at times as well. To add to that, we have one little yorkie that has been our only baby for 13 yrs. Now we have taken in another little girl furbaby that was not planned, just happened. My son has a poodle and my mom has a dog, morky, maybe. Her dog is agressive and causing problems and she is crying over him all the time because the poodle fights back and wins. I am going crazy in this situation.

So many kindred spirits out there-who knew? Ours is a household of 6, my 87 year old MIL; my 70 year old mother; my husband and I in our 50's; my 17 year old daughter; and my 21 year old son. We have been together for a little over two years and have found that having space to call their own is huge for both moms, and as they are both quiet people having a retreat that allows them to do their own thing in peace. We initially had my FIL with us as well, he passed away about a year ago. In our experience who has the greater needs, and requires more care and attention tends to change often. At first it was my FIL with PD and dementia; then my MIL with chronic pancreatitis; now my mom who is in the. later stages of cancer and is in hospice care. We have a lot of conversations about team work and looking out for one another as well as our goal to have everyone be happy, healthy and comfortable. We are a work in continuous progress! I think being part of something bigger than themselves is uplifting for both grandmas even though they cannot physically contribute. Our kids are old enough to understand that the grandmas are priorities right now and are as helpful as their schedules allow. I think that learning to manage expectations and dealing with the hiccups that do occur quickly and patiently are what we have had to work on most. Most important for me is remembering why we chose to pursue this living arrangement, we are where we are supposed to be right now.

You have gotten a lot of good advice in the above posts that will be very helpful for you. My 98 yr old mom has been living with us for about 11 years. Her mind is perfect and we are blessed for that. She likes me to take her out shopping. My oldest daughter and 21/2 yr old grandaughter have been living with us going on 2yrs. My 28 yr old son still lives at home.My husband is 82 and has severe Lewy Body Dementia. I care for him in our home 24/7. We are making memories together. Cherish each moment. You are doing very well to be concerned about the disruption in routine etc. Make sure your mom has her own space to get away from the chaos when she wants too and her own privacy. Her safety is very important: no toys on the floor where she could trip on them. Since my husband now needs almost all of my time, my mom has mentioned about going to a NH. We remind her about all the good things she has living with us and how much we love her and how good it is for us to have her with us. We know she would not be happy in a NH. She does not like to socialize. I have 3 daughters and they all give her lots of attention and take her out shopping. This is what makes her happy. What has made your mom happy over her lifetime? Whatever it is you need to continue including this in her life with you in your home. You need to plan for her advanced dementia. Talk to all of your family about this while she can still understand things. You need to plan for "aging in place" if she does decide to stay with you: grab bars etc. Plan ahead as far as you can especially about finances. Care giving is very hard and expensive. You will need help down the line. Cherish each moment you have together for now and take one day at a time.

I would advise against having the daughter and the young child move in. My father after age 80 or so loved to visit with younger great nieces and nephews but he could not bear having them underfoot all day. Visiting with under age children uplifts the 80+ senior's day but living with them will not.

The elders need a regular routine, time to nap and navigate the home safely without toys, pets or small children under foot.

If the home is very big, perhaps separate quarters could be arranged but for the average house size, I think it will be a problem and probably unsafe for the elder.

Good luck.

In my family, some elders live comfortably with households that have children, others don't. Some elders find that they're used to peace and quiet and really don't adjust to having children around making noise. It sounds kind of awful, I know, because grandparents are supposed to just love having their grandchildren around, but some can only take it in small doses before becoming totally stressed-out by it.

So many great answers and suggestions! Thank you all.

Yes, this is a very challenging situation. I live with my mother and take care of her (she is 88, has COPD, mild Dementia and severe arthritis). My son has lived with us for years and now he and his girlfriend have a 3 year old baby who goes between the mother's house and ours. She is here 5 days a week including all day on weekends. She does go to a babysitter 5 days a week which gives my mother a chance to watch her television shows and rest. When the baby comes home to our house, she gets to watch her cartoons and is pretty much catered to by me, my son and the mother. Additionally, the mother of the baby spends every weekend at our house and that would be ok but she doesn't contribute to any household chores, cooking for her own family or just engaging in everyday conversation. She usually goes up to my son's room and sleeps 2/3 hours on weekends leaving my son and I to watch the baby and mom. My mother can not do any chores and I wait on her all day when the baby is not here. The only thing I can suggest is find a good daycare either during the day for either the baby or mom so that they can have time to interact with others who are the same age. My mother refuses to have anything to do with adult daycares, assisted living facilities, nursing homes, etc. She is fairly patient with the baby and usually falls asleep while baby is here at night. I have to watch the baby because at times she can be rough with my mother (throwing things at her or hitting her). This is indeed a very stressful environment and I have asked my son and his girlfriend to work things out and get an apartment together. This would be the best scenario all the way around for everyone involved. Hope you can find ways to help your mom accept her new living conditions. Someone suggested taking the baby to the park or out for a few hours so mom can get some rest. If your mom is like mine and cannot do any thing for herself, then it is best to find ways to separate the baby and mom for several hours each day if the baby is not in a daycare.God bless you and good luck.

Great advice from all. I am 47 my son is 7 and my Grandmother is 93. I am fortunate she is easy going. I think you need try and implement Mom, as part of the team. My grandmother is in charge of making my sons lunch for school and folding laundry. She feels needed and loved. Good luck

My son and his family moved into our house to help care for my 83 year old husband who has dementia and eats through a tube. My husband eventually went into the nursing home because he refused to get help from anyone expect me and he constantly ridiculed the children. The family still exists: My son and his wife, her two bi-racial children and one of their own.

My mother in law moved in with us last year, and 6 months later our 7 year old grandson moved in along with his dad. My MIL has also been diagnosed with dementia. At first it was not easy. We had to let our grandson know he can't go into "Grandma J's room" unless Grandma says it's okay. My mother in law likes her quiet time, and when things get too rowdy, she goes to her room. She has her television that's usually turned to the oldies, which seems to help. It's been about 9 months since the change, and it probably took about 6 months of adjusting, but it's much better.

he thinks a NH, consider an Assisted Living. Check them out, they are quite nice, and very home like. Apartments for privacy and dining rooms for meals and plenty of daily activities to keep her busy which may help with the advancing dementia . Do what is best for you and your family first, next others.

I meant to say taking care of my son who is41 and hasseizures and my 90 year old mom, but she doesnt have dementia ydt and lives near by. Several months ago I had a sezure, because I wasnt taking care of myself first and now I do. Pami

Victoria-I have thought of this several times. If absolute need me I would be so grateful but I have decided I will do anything in my power to NOT live with my children. Close by Yes but not with. My mom does not drive, she cannot use a computer and has no interest in it and I find so much of what she needs done is online (ss issues etc) and also I am her only daughter. 4 sons. 1 deceased and hate to say it but the guys are really not much help. So now I sound ungrateful but it is somewhat like having another child and I have 5!.......but yes living with Grams has been a life learning experience for my children.

GG, I am more worried about you than anyone else there. Speaking from my own experience in dealing with a very similar situation here over the past 10 years, let me say to you take very good care of yourself. It's very demanding to have a parent who needs you in a role of caregiver, a child needing you as their parent, and a grandparent. Be careful to establish good solid boundaries, and do not feel guilty. Even the closest families with the best relationships within can't take too much of the cramped quarters. I wish I would have listened better to the advice of friends and approached my situation differently. Hindsight is 20/20.

I take czre of myson who is 41who has seizures and my mom who is 90, with no dementia, and wnen my sisger comes tbdn mh mom acts helpless.

Just a thought, your daughter learns from your example (maybe) so later on she may be in the same situation and may have to care for you...how would you like her to do that?

Mom 86 is living with me in in-law apartment attached to my home for 6 years. Last summer had stepsons home from college (21/18) my son home from college (18) my daughter (16) and another daughter (21) living in Boston but causing a ton of stress for all of us from a distance with her antics. THEN my niece and 2 month old move in. She came to my door twice, abusive boyfriend and what was I to do? She moved into my daughters BR who lives in Boston and stayed for 6 months. CHAOTIC? But my mom who is in decent health-just elderly lit up every time this little baby reached another milestone.She took pride in washing and folding the babys clothes. My niece who is responsible ruled the house and allowed my husband and I to get away once in a while. She also helped driving around a busy 16 year old which my daughter thought was "so cool".My son in the room next to the baby did not appreciate being woken up by a crying baby but got over it-college boys get back to sleep thru anything!My stepsons who live int he lower level had no problem except they kept finding baby toys in thier bathroom. The boys went back to college and by the time I was at the end of my rope with planning to baby proof my entire house as he was now crawiling my niece found an apartment with my financial help. It took a few weeks for all of us to stop missing the baby but she visits frequently. Its was a time we will all remember as compromising, doing whats right for family, 3 generations of family living together and my mother although had times of anxiety with "what is she going to do on her own with the baby" now has seen my niece and baby are ok-they just needed a place to regroup for a while. I wouldn't do it again any time soon but we all got thru it. My husband of 3 years (together for 7yrs-no real surprises for him) is a saint.

When my mom was alive & first began living here, my daughter & her then 7 yr old son lived here also. It was "okay" at first - my grandson kept Mom entertained, and she enjoyed having him around...until he started playing with toys that were "too noisy" or talked "too loud". My 2nd grandson came to visit every weekend, so the two of them, well, you can imagine the energy. This had been our routine for several years, and she knew this - I didn't feel my family dynamic should be disrupted just because she was moving in, and in the beginning she agreed. Again - she loved it at first, but it didn't take long to wear on her & she got really grumpy. I was constantly either asking the boys to play a little quieter, or to ask her to go to her room if it got to be too much - basically I was put in the middle. It's a challenge to be sure, and with a 2 year old there is going to be boundless energy, so try to prepare her as much as possible. Since your mother was there first and is used to her own routine, warn your daughter that she will need to read the cues & take her child to the park or whatnot when gramma needs some quiet time.

Well here we are: I am 80, my son 51, his children 19, 16 and 1...we are surviving...very carefully...with a sense of humor and allowing the adult of the children to make their rules..(a challenge for me as a mother..ha). We have been together for 6 years.. Good luck...There is a lot of good help here. Just remember every situation has its own challenges and moments to be grateful for. Also ...nothing lasts forever. Patience and kindness are sometimes hard to remember in the heat of the moment. Love above all has helped me personally and knowing I have chosen this situation for a variety of reasons. If you can afford it outside help may be a plus. In our situation my son is stuck with a lot and I am not able to help him due to my body's reluctance..ha. The kids well...they clean their rooms and do their own laundry. My son does the rest. Namaste..Olive Oyl

A lot of very good advice here! First off i have to say that I totally agree with KarenC who said to give your Mom some things to do around the house. Everyone and I mean everyone, needs to feel needed, When my father died, my Mom lost her purpose for living, it surprisingly was not her children but was Dad, She said she would no longer cook as she had never liked to cook anyway but made sure meals were on the table for Dad to the very end, Because she was understandably depressed we began to take more and more chores away from her, thinking we were giving her a rest, when in reality we were making her feel more unneeded. I hope you tell her every time she says she needs to be in a nursing home that you love her and you need her help and wisdom, even if you really don't, because that is a call for reassurance.

My older sister moved back to Moms house after my daughter and I did, way back in 1997 (I was sick), and since that time we have had kids and grandkids move in and out for periods of time, In early stage dementia it was not a problem but as the disease progresses and if there are loud running yelling children around it becomes more difficult. They are use to a set routine and need to keep it that way, loud noise is an insult to their senses as are messes of toys etc being left around, You really do not know for sure how she will handle it until your daughter and grandchild are there, You do need to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that there may be issues and she is going to have to help you control these situations (screaming, toys etc,) And explain that grandma may not always be nice or kind but it is the disease and not her personally speaking. Mom became really good at telling everyone to shut up, which is normally what we tell our kids not to say.

You are stressed by this situation and I am sure it is being felt by your Mom. Perhaps you need to relax a bit more, see a therapist just to let your fears and feelings out, hire a caregiver to stay with Mom so you can leave the house and relax, perhaps your Mom might enjoy a day care center for elders where she could meet others her age, or you may want to consider Assisted Living,

I do not know what the term is but it is something like the "Oreo Generation" where we are sandwiched between caring for parents and children at the same time and it is horribly stressful. I have been up since 3am with anxiety myself this morning, so I know where you are coming from.

In my instance, I have been doing this for 8 years, basically alone although my older sister lives here too. Due to sibling problems I have been left to carry this all alone and being locked into my home, not being able to leave due to Mom has taken its toll on me and now my panic and anxiety attacks have begun. I do not want to see you get to that spot, You need to enjoy your life, mother and your daughter and grandchild as much as possible, but when you feel so stressed, YOU NEED HELP! Let your daughter know one condition with moving in, is HELP from her continuously,

God Bless You

We lived in multi-generational household for 14 months with my husband and I in our late fifties, my dad who is 88 and my son who is 24 and is disabled with autism. I found it was just too many masters to serve and keep happy at the same time. Luckily my dad could understand that and moved to assisted living half a mile away and we are all very happy now. I know your question was about your mom but I would be more worried about how you will manage with all those family members under one roof needing you in one way or the other.

My 66 year old mother and my 13 year old daughter are in the house with me and I am apartment hunting right now. After almost six years, this arrangement is ceasing to work because of my mom's alcoholism....

I was already living in a house with my divorced daughter and 2 little grandsons when mom had to come to live with us. At first it was rough, as she was always losing things and thinking someone took them....and thinking the grandsons, ages 7&9, were going to steal from her. The kids were loud and she wasn't used to it, so at first it bothered her, but she adapted and now gets a kick out of the boys and sometimes will watch cartoons with them, which they love.. I also have 2 dogs, who she has come to love. She is 88 years old...turning 89 this month. As others have said, make sure she has a room where she can retreat to when things get to be too much.

I am in similar circumstance, with my 86 yr old father, adult kids and grandson that visit and my youngest son age 11 :). If your mom is able to have responsibilities around the house (ie asked to help out wherever possible) it will keep her thinking and help her feel needed instead of cared for. This is important, as none of us want to be a burden, we all need to feel useful. Fake attempts at this don't work, just as we would see thru them, so will she! Try to find ways she can pitch in and be part of your new team!

My mother lives with me and I babysit my grandchildren(4 and under) 6 days a week, some times over night. So while they are not "living " here, it's next best thing. It's noisy and chaotic, but it's entertaining for my mom. When she's had enough, she just goes to her room. Young children are so accepting of elderly. More so than we are some times! You might find that they will connect- coloring, puzzles etc. Just make sure that she has her personal space when she needs it.