How do I diffuse arguments with my MIL who has moderate Alzheimer's?

Thanks for the suggestions. It does happen in the evenings mostly so I am thinking Sundowners also. I recently read I should be giving her Donepezil before bed so will change that from the morning to dinnertime. My MIL is 94 and has lived with us 11 years. My husband is an only child, so we have no help from siblings. She has always resented me because her son moved out of state when we got married and changed his religion. Now that her mind isn't right, she has turned it around on me and keeps saying I've never liked her from the minute I met her, which makes no sense. And now it is kind of hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is always swearing at me and telling me to Go to Hell whenever I try to help her with shower or have to remind her of something. So some of the anger has just been carried over from before she had Alzheimers and the same issues come out when she is argumentative. Fortunately, at least for now it doesn't happen very often. I have my husband deal with her when he is home from work whenever possible.

Kathy, the thing to remember is that she's NOT making things to argue over. Her brain is fried (think about what the reasoning capacity of an 18 month old is and you'll have the picture). She's got the language skills of a grownup but not the reasoning ability. Her thinking is very concrete, things ARE what they appear to be. If money is missing in her brain, the person who is standing in front of her is the person who is responsible. If something is not going right, the person who is there is the one whose fault it is. This summer, when my mom with dementia broke her hip, I got to see a CAT scan of her brain. I now understand why she can't reason any more.

It is so hard. My mom starts to argue and I just walk away, or step outside. I always respond now with "I love mom, i don't want to argue, we just have to agree to disagree in this one". Then, I say, let's get a snack and walk away and start fixing a drink or snack. She'll follow me and usually this breaks the pattern and she stops. When she starts up again, I just leave and go outside, to the garage or tell her I got to run an errand and then I take a drive to calm myself.

Not easy. I've been there. I know one thing...no matter how lucid mom is, arguing is only stressful for me...she can out argue me and keep it up much longer than I have the energy for.

You may have to learn how to Jitterbug if she's in her 90's and play Cab Calloway.

I agree, their favorite music. If she is from the Big Band Era, some Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman. (In her 80's)

Try singing and physical movement such as dancing. Sometimes this causes enough change to break the pattern and tires them out so that they don't go back to arguing. Also they get positive reinforcement and attention from you for singing and dancing with you. Try old songs that you know your mother likes and ask her to sing them with you. Make it fun and she is liable to go along. She may get the words wrong (so what?) or one weird thing my mom did was sing in rounds with me! I didn't know she knew how to do that! But she listened to what I was singing and sang it just after me. It was pretty cool!

By any chance do the arguments seem worse towards the end of day? Sundowning syndrome? Changing the subject and leaving room is not working. Sometimes you can change the subject with humor... that works for my mother in law... diffuses her anger then she forgets what her anger was about in 2 minutes.....The other thing which might be setting her off is a change in something or sensory overload. She may feel she is losing a grip on her life and it is coming out in anger also. Its hard for you especially when you remove yourself from her area and she persists.