My husband died in 1995. I kept in touch with his parents on a weekly basis even though I had moved to another state. I took my children on regular visits. Fil passed and when mil began to show signs of dementia my daughter and I made the 6 hour drive to check up on her and clean her apt in the retirement home she was living in. When the retirement home forced her into an assisted living apt she became very sad. I went through an involved process to get POA and when the time came I brought her home to Ohio (1 year and a half years ago). I expended a lot of time, money, patience and love dealing with her dementia and cancer.
She slumped over in her chair this past Tuesday, I couldn't get her to stand. I called hospice who helped get a hospital bed placed in my living room. I slept on the couch next to her, cleaned her (she became incontinent), held her, cleaned the saliva out of her mouth and she died when I put my hand on her head and shoulder while I was telling her that she will be so glad to see her mom, husband and son soon. (She died yesterday).
Today I was going through her paperwork and found a directive to the retirement community in 2002 which she had to list those that could visit her. She listed 3 women and myself, however, next to my name it claimed that I was to be watched constantly to make sure that I didn't take anything.
I have done nothing but love this woman who was never able to show her son and myself love or even very much kindness but I always thought that it was because of her tragic early life and that she really did love us. So after 35 years and to have gone through what I have gone through for her to find that she had such a low opinion of me is overwhelming.
I am just so sad and angry.
17 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
I'm the one who gets blamed for anything missing or misplaced and I no longer take it personally...though it still hurts and frustrates me....deep down I know my mom loves me.
It is so bizarre that I think you really need to have a big laugh.
I am so very sorry you ever had to find this out. I am glad you are ready to put it back in the past, and to move forward. It sounds like you had a relationship with your MIL that was as deep and meaningful as she was capable of. Bless you.
But, the potential defamation never got oxygen. Maybe you were being watched all the time, but in that case the watchers will have observed that your behaviour was not only scrupulously correct but also loving.
So conclusions:
- no rhyme or reason to your MIL's comment, if it was her own;
- no certain knowledge that this was her idea, and not that of someone else who happened to be present when the notes were made;
- this is an administrative error;
- no harm came of it while your MIL was alive.
Don't let any harm come of it now. Mentally, scrunch up that page and throw it away. It was a clerical mistake.
I can see where you are both sad and angry at MIL. She fooled you before. My question to you, and if you can honestly within yourself... In these last few years with her, did she show affection and appreciation for you? Anything to help balance that negative note of you? I'm wondering if she had changed her view of you after 10 years.
For now, just vent your anger, cry your tears (of both loss and anger). When you have passed these emotions, perhaps you can write a letter to her, and tell her what's in your mind. Then, if you a fireplace, take that letter and burn it. When doing this, push it away from you and at the same time say that you letting go the anger/betrayal. And burning it forever. What is done, is done. And know this, a higher power knows what you did from your heart. THAT has not gone unnoticed. Your works have not gone unnoticed. I'm so sorry. {{Hugs}}