Should I push my Mom not to give up or let her die?

Lots of good comments...dying is part of the cycle of life. We will all have to face it at some point. It's okay to let someone decide to go on their own terms. Make them as comfortable as possible and try to enjoy their company if it is possible, if not, then let them be at peace. My mom will soon be 96 and her strength is failing, she has good days, then bad. Days when she eats well, days when she eats little. Days when she is more mentally alert, days when she seems gone. She lives in the moment and as long as she is not in pain, or ill, then I just let her be or do whatever she wants. Sometimes she is up all night peeing or going down the hall to the kitchen for a smoke. Yes it wakes us up, yes it is tiring, yes I listen out to make sure she's not in some sort of trouble constantly. But she is doing things on her terms, so if she goes tonight or tomorrow or the next day, she is in the Lord's hands and I'm not worried about it. Maybe it sounds harsh, but it's just life, we need to be a little more accepting of it and not wear ourselves believing it's all our responsibility. As long as she is cared for properly according to her needs and wishes. Let her be at peace.

It is out of your hands. When it is her time she will leave this life. Many people in their darkest moments when they are feeling at their very lowest wish they could die. but they don't even when they are seriously ill.. Yes there is a will to live and many overcome great odds to do it. Don't sit there and wring your hands make the very best of however much time Mom has left. Talk about it openly. Ask her if there is anything she might want to do people she would like to see or maybe a goal she would like to reach. Find out what her wishes are about a funeral. If it does not upset her choose the hymns together for the service. If she does not want a religious service plan a celebration of her life maybe with a family picnic at her favorite place. Don't watch her die walk beside her and love her.This last time can be full of love and even laughter. keep her comfortable and if that means medications that make her drowsy so be it. let her eat and drink what she wants and don't bully her to "keep up her strength" She is in charge of her death, she is the one who makes the decisions. if she begins to see spiritual visitors remember they are real to her she is not having delusions so talk about them with her. She may or may not know who they are. This is a very special but emotional time and rarely anything to be frightened of. the moment of death itself is usually very peaceful and a sense of tranquility can almost be felt.. Spend as much time with her as you want before calling the hospice nurse or EMTs there is no rush, take your time to say goodbye. God bless you.

My mom willed herself to die. Had I not witnessed it I never would have believed it was possible. She had had cancer but the cancer had been removed. She didn't need chemo or radiation. Did a few weeks in a rehab facility and did very well. She was looking and feeling good when she came home. But something happened with her when she came home. She became very depressed and was put on antidepressants. She went to bed and just really never got back up but to use the bathroom and to drink an Ensure around 7pm every evening. This is the only time I could see her or get her on the phone and I begged and begged her to get up, begged her to come to lunch with me or just to get up and do something. I knew if she kept on like that she would die and she did. It took less than a month. Her death certificate states that she died from natural causes but she died from depression. My aunt would screech to me, "You have to get her out of bed!" How exactly? Pick her up and throw her over my shoulder?? Drag her out by her wrists? She wanted to die so she did and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Have you asked her her wishes? Can she speak and discuss these things? If so, a conversation about this is better than deciding without more information.

This sounds a lot like my mother's situation but I started asking her what was going on and whether she was trying to die. That kind of got her to realize she'd given up. She responded with statements to the effect that, no, she didn't.. My response was something to the effect that, if she didn't want to die, she'd have to start going along with the things I was trying to get her to do (prescribed from her doctor). At this point, she's not in the greatest shape, but she's doing okay.

i like sushis comment. i believe my mom was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago but it was pointless to explain that to family at the time. it would become an unavoidable subject at a later point but it would have caused her years of worry and grief if she'd been informed back then.
i miss my mother but the realist in me says she was very fortunate to live 82 years old. her organs were all diseased from 60 years of diabetes. why would i want to see her suffer for another decade? to an extent dementia detached her from the reality of her end of life. in her world she could believe whatever she wanted and noone would dispute it.. dementia provided a degree of tranquility.
dementia is being kind to my 89 yr old aunt right now. she doesnt miss her home. theres just today and the small creature comforts today might provide.

eanne5, of course it is about you, too. Your mother is a worthy, unique individual, in a difficult place in her life. She deserves your love and your care. You are a worthy, unique individual. You deserve love and care also! Please don't add to your burden by feeling guilty when you acknowledge your own feelings.

My Mom is home and while it's great having her here, she's not the same and I just wish I could have her back the way she way. Sorry, just having a moment. It shouldn't be about me, but I miss her.

There could be more going on that the doctors are unable to tell you, if she has specifically told them not to. They have to follow the law and HIPAA is very clear on confidentiality issues. The doctors may have said all they CAN say. Just a thought.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Elizmed, it does sound like we're in a similar situation but you too are ill, and that must be extremely hard. You're doing the best for your Mom; don't feel bad about not having her at home. We all do our best. As long as she's being cared for, that's all you can ask for. Take care and take care of yourself too.

I'm going thru same situation with my mother. She's 87, was pretty much healthy until last couple of months. Went from living indepentently in December, to two hospital visits in January with UTI, dehydration, & finally blood clots in left leg. After 6 days inpatient she was moved to short term rehab for 30 days.
She's now in a very nice assisted living facility, memory loss care section.
But she has stopped eating completely for last week. No matter what we do, she refuses to eat. Sips water, Ensure bottle lasted 5 days. Is very thin & weak.
It's very difficult to watch her detoriate. But we must accept the cycle of life.
I feel extreme guilt not having her at my home. Feel it would be too much for my husband & I to take care of her. I have stage IV colon cancer, need 2nd operation, plus I'm still working.

Rather than say that there is nothing medically wrong, I'd say that her doctors haven't been able to identify anything wrong. That doesn't prove it doesn't exist. This may not be something she can control by her attitude.

How has her mental health been? Could she be depressed? Has she ever been treated for that?

Perhaps being back in familiar surroundings will perk her up a bit. Perhaps not. It should be helpful to have some palliative care at home. The nurses can help you understand what is going on.

It is the natural order of things for parents to die before their children. Most of us experience our parents' deaths. It is usually very painful for us. And it is usually out of our hands. If you think there is anything you can do to nurse your mother back to health, feel free to try it. If this turns out to be her time to die, it won't be a matter of you "letting" her. Some things are just not in our control.

I am sorry that you are facing this now. Hugs to you.

I wondered why the doctors feel she is dying, instead of just depressed. If you think it is depression, you may want to push for her to be treated for it. However, since her condition is deteriorating, it may be that her time is getting closer. If it is, I would let your mother be the guide about what she wants. If you want to keep her at home, hospice may be an ideal for you. Hospice will provide in-home care and help you to understand what is going on with your mother. Most people who have dealt with their local hospices describe them as godsends. Talk to your mother's doctor and see if he/she thinks hospice is a good idea.