I am so overwhelmed with taking care of my critically ill Mom and son (32) who's handicap. Any advice?

Could you son use services from Easter Seals? I know a lot depends on where you live. Also you may be able to call Social Services and get a counselor who could help locate resources also. Some communities ( not mine, unfortunately) have volunteer groups of retired folks who will come and help with respite, errands etc. Social workers sent by the hospital were great about helping a relative of mine, and I hope they help you also.

Been at the hospital in and out for days. Everybody who has replied has touched my heart. Thanks you for all of the advice. I know I have to do something soon before I make a very bad decision. Love to all & God bless each & every one of you♥

"She won't go to a NH. She will make me feel guilty."

Better some guilt than dead.

There's no such thing as "won't go to a nursing home". While your mother is in the hospital inform the social workers that you will not take her back as you can't provide care 24/7. Don't wait until she's back in your home as it will be much harder to shift her. The social workers will try to get you to take her but stand your ground and plain refuse. I fought tooth and nail with them. Between you you will find a place in a NH for her and she will be taken there by medical transit straight from the hospital.

Of course she'll make you feel guilty, they all do, but you know in your heart she's safe and cared for around the clock. What if, the next time she falls, she breaks a hip or whacks her head bringing on a stroke or has a heart attack? If she were in a NH with 24/7 care that might not have happened. You've done the very best you can and you have no need to feel guilty at all.

Your son must be your first priority. Once mother is settled perhaps you can find a day group he could attend.

She'll have to go somewhere if there's no one to take care of her..

She won't go to a NH. She will make me feel guilty. I just have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for your helpful answers. You have been wonderful and very encouraging.

Callahan, I have been right where you're at and still am at to some extent.

I know what the dark looks like, feels like, tastes like and smells like. I've been immersed in it, wallowed it, felt the desperation of drowning and dying in it. Yeah. It's not a pretty place, is it? I've felt such extreme fear in the care giver situation that I still have nightmares about it to this day. And yeah, sometimes death seemed like such a beautiful thing. Quiet. Peaceful. No more worries. Silence. And not having to deal with s***. That was the most important thing to me sometimes...not having to deal with anything else, not a single thing and not one single worry. The thought of oblivion was like vaseline on raw, bloody, oozing wounds. Then I'd tell the devil to get the F out of my mind.

Yeah, I've been where you are and I totally get it. But....there's something, that one little thorn in your side, that one little tiny part of you, way, way in the back of your mind that's still rational and sane, that stabs you and whispers danger.

You're there and you're screaming for help from the rooftops. I was there, too. I know what it's like to feel such intense unholy fear and horror at being totally and completely in charge of everything, and totally responsible for another human being's life and welfare and life. I've regressed so badly mentally sometimes. Inside, I'm this lost kid mentally screaming at the top of my lungs for someone, anyone, to help me, to make this all better, to give me the answers to my own salvation. And then you realize that there is nobody. Won't ever be anybody. You're it. You're all you've got. Nobody is going to make all this go away. Nobody is going to make all this better. You're stuck with it and you have to KEEP ON. No matter what. No matter how hard it gets or how sick to death, literally, that you feel. When it comes to the bottom line, you are alone. You're all you've got.

I've begged and pleaded with God to fix it all, make all of this darkness, all of this FEAR, just go away.

Then God puts into my mind again and again and again, only this one thing...He tells me that he gave me a brain and what more do I want? And then He's off going Godly things and that's that. That's the only answer to all of my begging and pleading that I ever get. My God is a good God. But he's a harsh God, too. He gets right to the bottom line and expects you to handle it. Whatever it is.

When that comes to me, I tell myself that it's cool. It's going to be fine. I'm going to create a plan to deal with it all. I'm going to check myself into a psyche ward if I can't get a grip. I promise myself that horror. That if I ever get to the point where I'm willing to step over the edge and off myself, I promise myself that I will call someone to put me in a rubber room.

I would hate that. So, the horror of that scenario nice and bright in my mind, I simply force myself to change the direction of my thoughts. I refuse to listen to that darkness. I make plans. I take a baby step. But take it I do. The alternative isn't an option.

You're going to make yourself call the people, someone, anyone, that can and will help you. That darkness is a lie. You CAN find the help that you need, ALL the help that you need, even if that includes finding alternate arrangements for both your son and your mom. You can visit all you like, do all you do right now, this minute....but you're also off duty half the day. And thank God for it. Guilt? About that, when something, I don't care what it is, is literally killing me? Uh, no. Not about that. Not when I know that staying on that road was a death sentence.

If it comes down to it, where you've gone every single step you can go in trying to help another, and you realize that you just can't SAVE them, you just can't go another step without risking your own life....and this role will kill someone taking care of ONE elderly/disabled person and you're dealing with the needs of TWO...it's definitely time to take care of YOU, come hell or high water.

If you get to a point mentally where you'd literally rather die than deal another second, when it's just too damn much and you're literally sick, feel physically foggy and weak, when you feel like you want to puke all the time, it's time to look out for YOU. One way or the other. No matter what that means. And that's nothing to feel guilty about. We aren't God that's for sure. I don't have that kind of perfect endurance and I never will. I accepted it and did what I had to do for my mom's sake and my own. I took the steps and I made alternate arrangements even though it felt like my guts were being ripped out. I can't find it in my to feel guilt for that much of it.

If somethings making you sick, even your own family, you need to get away from it and deal from a distance. I guess that's the bottom line after all this babble...but yeah...I've been there.

Yes, use this opportunity to speak to a social worker at the hospital. You won't get a better opportunity.

Let them know at the hospital that your Mom needs 24/7 care that you can not provide... She needs to be in a NH with professionals who can care for her. You can visit her there, but know she will be looked after and all her needs met..

Take time for yourself.. Hugs..

Dear Callahan, Talk to the social worker at the hospital about your home situation. Tell her that you just can't care for your mother at home. Sometimes the best thing that can happen in an impossible situation like yours is for the elderly patient to be hospitalized, and then discharged directly to a nursing home. Please, please, use the opportunity to ask for help for your mother and yourself.

Thank you everyone. Had to call 911 this morning. Mother back in the hospital. Taking my son to therapy and then back to the hospital.

Callahan you are in so much mental and emotional pain, please reach out for help, keep asking until you get it, maybe hospice for your mom, I have heard on this site they can offer many kinds of help. You need help for your son, you need to involve people in a community living type of society, perhaps coming to your home and taking him out to do things on his level. I am not sure what is available in your area, I am in Canada, we may do things differently. I have worked for such a society in a group home setting, and we were all so attached to our special needs individuals, I know I personally loved them very much. The field attracts wonderful human beings, we take great care of people like your son, and with you not well, he needs to transition to outside help in some form. Please hold on and reach out for the help all three of you need. Sending love to heal your soul.

Callahan
It sounds like you need a break. It is too much to have to care for them both right now. Call your Local Area Agency on Aging, they can provide all kinds of information about where you can get help. If you have a church, they often have groups that will help. If not, call a church in your area and many times they have parishioners that would love to provide you assistance. There are also support groups that meet in person find one. The in person help is very helpful in many circumstances. Look for and accept any help you can find.

dear callahan 1960 my heart go's out to you please hang in there, when we find ourselves in a place that is so overwhelming we need to stop in our minds an rest. not in our body but in mind, we need to learn to keep going, but to stop thinking, thinking as care givers is our worst enemy. We have to stop thinking while still doing our job. our minds can let us down. You have got it sooo hard no mistaking that an keeping a positive mind set forget about it, but please don't give up and please keep trying. Nothing is impossible. I read my Bible an that gives me peace if only for a single breath, sometimes that's all I need to reach the next.
I pray that you are able to keep going, it sounds like a heavy weight, I hope carrying it makes you stronger for it, because only in lifting weights can one grow strong.
God bless you and keep you strong enough to grow stronger........

My mother has many problems. Respitory failure heart problems, back problems, tremors falls a lot even with a walker. In and out of the hospital ALOT. My son is mentally challenged, visually impaired, and has behavioral problems. He is a full time job in it's self. I do not have a minute to myself. This is everyday, all day. Constant doctor appointments for both. I am broke from not working and couldn't even work if I wanted to with everything. Everything seems hopeless. I hope this doesn't sound like I am felling sorry for myself. I do not ask for anything. My soul is broken and I am at the end of my rope. Too much for one person. What do you do when your family needs you so much? Ahhhhhh!

Callahan please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 ... They will listen and comfort you.. We are here for you also.. With a little work you will be able to find outside help for your Mom and son, it's available you just have to ask the right people... Hugs...

You have a support group here, and I know there are resources in your area. How much supervision and aide to they require. Would son want or be capable of living in a group home? I had a cousin who thrived in one and even met someone and married. What is mom' safe and condition. Hopefully you will find some strength and direction here.