My mom and I have been living close if not together from time to time for about 20 years or more. I was her caregiver for the most part however she was doing pretty good but declining. She had to move from Florida to Illinois as I was unable to care for her anymore (long story). She tells my sister daily she hates it there and wants to move back. My sister and I tell her daily she cannot be alone and she doesn't have enough funds to live on her own anymore. My mom wants me to come there and live and it pulls at my heart to hear her say how much she misses me and cries. I know it has only been 6 months and I am trying very hard to be firm like my sister asks me to. I stopped calling but one day a week just to see if that helped and according to my sister it hasn't. I feel bad as i am not sure what I can do to help my sister deal with this. According to her she is badgering her husband and daughter as well. She is on anxiety meds and we are looking to get her on anti depressents. My sister has decided that my mom should go to an adult day care, I thought my mom would be thrilled because she always complains she is in the house all day. However once my mom found out it will be an ALL day thing she is refusing to go (probably because of naps and bathroom issues) She refuses to wear the tennis shoes that my sister bought her which is a requirement to go to the daycare. My mom cannot be left alone as she let in a few strangers so we finally told her daycare or nursing home that is it. I am heartbroken as I am torn between the love of my mom and sister and I am trying so hard to help my sister as she is fed up already and gets very upset with my mom. There are three of them against my mom. I am not sure how I can help my sister so she doesn't burn out! (she has a very high power job that she works about 60 hours or more a week as well) P.S. I know a lot of you are going to say go up there an see for yourself and I will as soon as I find a job and a place to live.
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I know that you are venting. If I might throw out a suggestion -- get behind the day care plan and tell Mom that is what you want her to do, too. Sister can work with the facility to start Mom out on half days. When she settles in and is reassured that her naps can still work and they are very good with bathroom issues, transition her to a little longer time, until she is up to full days.
I would not have kept my sanity if my husband (dementia) had not spent a few days a week in an adult day health program.
Having Mom gone some can help reduce the tension in the household. It will be good for Mom. It is either that or a nursing home is a reasonable choice to give her. Help your sister stay strong on that!
(I am not going to say go up there, unless it is really want you want to do. You deserve a life, too.)