Can I legally look for a nursing home near my sister in her state?

If you find an ALF that you like, ask them to do an evaluation of your mother. Most will come to wherever she is living for this. They will determine whether she is a candidate for assisted living or if she needs the care provided by a nursing home. There are limits to what care an ALF can provide under their license. You may be able to find a facility that has both options. The advantage is that if mom's care needs increase, the move would be down the hall rather than across town. If Medicaid will be needed in the future, find a facility that accepts it. In my state, many ALFs accept Medicaid, but most require that the resident be "private pay" for a certain number of months.

I agree that this is your call. Your sister hasn't participated up to this point, so she can't expect to tell you what to do now.

Thank you soooo much to each and every one of you. I had no idea the ALF will do that much. I neglected to mention that my sister is an RN in a major Boston Hospital which is yet another reason I feel that my mother would do better near her. "Countrymouse", I had to laugh at your comment about having "done my stretch" lol. I do feel that way .. I really do. Taking control and speaking my mind has never been "my thing". I think that's why I end up in these situations. But this is my first step in trying to reclaim my life. I'm really scared, but I also know that I just may totally lose my mind if things don't change. Once again, I thank you all so very much. It truly means a great deal to have some positive support. :)

I agree with Jeanne - there is absolutely nothing to stop you doing the research. If you have a suitable place near your sister in mind, find out all about it: what it costs, what the financial rules are, what the care and support are like, what its reputation is. Maybe even go and visit it, if it's only an hour or two away.

I also agree with Gabbisgram that you will be a better daughter when you're not overwhelmed by caring for your mother and by all the resentment of being the one who provides her care when you don't feel that you're the one she favours - I recognise that feeling, it's an insidious one and adds a sense of injustice to the mix which is hard to shake off.

What you want to avoid, though, is feeling that you've done your stretch and now it's your sister's turn, finito. It just doesn't work like that. Once you're rested and free of the grind, your feelings towards your mother will probably soften, you know. You're certainly most unlikely to find yourself able to wash your hands of all concern and anxiety about her. Try to find a long-term solution that works for everyone - not forgetting your grown nephews/nieces, who may pleasantly surprise you by how much time they're prepared to contribute.

You did not mention your mother's financial state, but before you think about moving your mother to another state, you should check into their residency requirements for Medicaid. If she does not have enough funds to self-pay until she meets the requirements, it could cause an even bigger headache for you.

Are you your mother's POA? Financial as well as Medical? If so, and your sister does not help in any way, then do what YOU feel is right for YOU and your mother. Neither your sister or youf mother may like it, but what options do they have? You are entitled to a life as well.

Start making out applications. The process can take weeks, even months, so don't hesitate. Make sure you read the reviews of each place. Visit each one before you take your mother. Let them help you find the right place for her and her needs. Also, let them know that she needs a place soon, as you are no longer able to take care of her.

If she is nearby, you will be able to visit on your terms, and can leave if the visit becomes intolerable. You may find your time with your mom will become better time. Your sister can complain all she wants, but unless she wants to become responsible for her care, it is not her decision.

I too, wanted to move my father closer to me to a VA home 20 minutes from myself and my adult kids, knowing he would have far more visitors. My dad and sister live in another state. My sister who lived 20 minutes from where he was, rarely visited and even said to me, that if we move him she wanted him closer to her not further away. She did not want to make it harder for her to visit. No kidding. But it was ok to make it harder for me.

I took him to all of his appointments, visited as often as I could. I gave up my job to take care selling his home, and running errands, etc, etc. I lived an hour and 20 minutes away. BUT... because of the residency requirement, I knew I did not have enough funds to keep him for a year without Medicaid, so we did move dad. He is 7 miles from her and now 2 hours from me.

I still visit as often as I can. The reason I agreed to the move was the residency requirement. So, I still do what I know to be the right thing. The good thing is my sister, has stepped up and visits quite a bit more than ever. She worked very hard on all the paperwork. It has been a win win for me (except for the distance). But, it is quiet time for me on the drive.

I hope you find the help you need so that you can enjoy your life more. Your mother will be ok. You will be a better daughter if you are not resenting her and you will become a happier person, knowing you made the right decision for everyone.

You are wrong about the assisted living. My mom is in one and they do almost everything - all meals, clean her room, change the linens, laundry, call and prompt her about events, and transport to dr. appts. I pay a little extra for someone to see that she bathes and give her medications.All this in addition to the many activities they offer. It has been a godsend and she is happy.

There is no law stopping you from looking for a nursing home anywhere you want to -- near you, near your sister, or 1000 miles from any family. Nothing to stop you.

But apply common sense regarding what would be best for Mother, and for you. In some ways it sounds best for Mother to be close to her adored daughter. IF (and it is a big if) your sister and her children will take advantage of the proximity and visit, Mom may do very well. But if they don't, Mom won't even be able to excuse them because of distance. That would be pretty disillusioning. You may be better off with your mother in a different state, but not if it turns out that you still have all the responsibility for her care -- then you'd be better off near at hand.

Your sister should be supporting you.. not making you feel guilty. Absolutely! But you can't depend on what "should" be. Sister is who she is. She is not likely to change -- possibly even if Mom moves near her.

I would tell sister ONCE, "I am placing mother in a nursing home. Before I start looking, would you like to have me consider one located near you?" If she tries sending you on a guilt trip, just don't go there. "I am retiring from full time caregiving. Mother has to go somewhere. The only question open is whether it will be here or near you. What is your preference?"

I would give Sis some time (a week perhaps) to make up her mind, but I would not have this conversation over and over. Mom is moving. Does Sis want her nearby? That is the ONLY question that is open, and the answer is either yes or no.

Yes you can find placement for your mother especially if you are burned out. Why does it have to be in another state close to your sister? Do you honestly think things will change having your mother closer to your sister? Stop letting your sister emotionally manipulate you and do what is be best for you and your mother.

I always ignored any guilt trip my out-of-state sisters would try to lay on me. I followed my own common sense. Take her for tours of nearby facilities. We took MIL to a Valentines party and lunch at one ALF and dinner at another. We let her make the choice to give it a try, just for one month. The ALF makes her meals, does her laundry, dispenses her meds and cleans her room. She spends her time at sing alongs, bingo, movie night and road trips and getting her hair done. She said "This is the best move I ever made". A month ago she was staring at 4 walls and obsessing about aches and pains, calling us several times a day and going downhill.

pstegman, that's what i wanted to do but my sister made me feel as though I will kill my mother by putting her in a nursing home .. assisted living wouldnt work because she does nothing for herself. I'm at my wit's end .. my sister should be supporting me .. not making me feel guilty. I'm so depressed and defeated.

Your sister is not going to change, so maybe you could look for a facility in your state. The conversation starts with Mom's doctor, tell him you are worn out, and ask what type of facility would be best, assisted living or nursing home or memory care. A good facility will help sort out the financial options too.