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Gingerett Asked March 2014

Taking care of mean Dad who resents me because I'm the only one left. Any advice?

Thank you so very much for this forum. I'm an only child taking care of my elderly father after my mom suddenly passed away last year. I am at the end of my rope with him screaming at me and using me as his punching bag because of his anger and hurt he is feeling. I'm doing the best I can but I just feel like he hates me and resents me because I'm here and she is not so he takes it out on me. I try to help him, cook for him, take him to his doctor appts. and go shopping for him but nothing is ever good enough because I'm not my mom. He still treats me like I'm 12 years old and sometimes I feel that way by the way he puts me down and treats me. It's becoming emotionally abusive for me and I'm so shut off from the world I once knew because I'm so depressed but put on a brave face & smile and just take it all in until I'm completely alone to fall apart. And then this happens all over again the next day. I don't look forward anything anymore because I'm just so emotionally drained trying to take care of my very mean Dad all the while I'm trying to take care of my own household with a not so supportive husband. I'm just feel like I'm trapped with no one to turn to. I would appreciate any suggestions or help that anyone could give me or just to send me in the right direction to a support group. Thank you kindly.

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abc1234567890 Mar 2014
Stop putting on a brave face and smiling. I don't mean that you have to go around crying, necessarily, but the whole pretend happiness thing probably helps to drain you. In fact, it might make you end up more depressed, too. Forcing yourself to look and feel happy is a huge strain on top of all the work you're doing.

Just do your work. It's not your job to make anyone happy by smiling. Just go and get it all done and remind yourself that just doing all those tasks is really quite a lot. Give yourself a break and don't try to be the bluebird of happiness because it's just more strain.
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palmtrees1 Mar 2014
Has your father always been like this? How did he treat your mother? If he was always abusive to you then you need to make other arrangements for his care. You have no obligation to care for an abusive father. Why is your husband non supportive? Maybe he recognizes the abuse.

Our parents can be very mean to us because they feel it is their right to abuse their children. If your father is like mine was he doesn't give a d**n how you feel because his total focus is on himself. You must realize your father is either narcissistic, mentally ill or just plain mean.

We all have our problems, illnesses, death of a loved one, chronic pain, but it does not give us the right to abuse someone who loves us and is trying to do the best for us. Get out. Find other care for his ungrateful man.
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assandache7 Mar 2014
Call your local Area of Adult Services and check your states senior services website you will find information for home care and other services.. Then tell him what his options are and you will not be helping him since he treats you badly..

There is no law that says you have to take care of him!

Take care of yourself!!
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cmcwrinkl1 Mar 2014
It sounds as if you are living with your father in his house - is this the case? How much time are you spending together? Or does he live on his own and you visit him every day?
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Gingerett Mar 2014
He won't go to the doctor let alone a counselor and I have already gone to counseling and I'm on an anti-depressant. Thanks for your comment.
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pamstegma Mar 2014
Maybe you both need a mild anti-depressant and some counseling.
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Gingerett Mar 2014
Just the other day I started crying because I miss my mom so much and he was yelling at me about being so stupid and not strong enough. He said "You are one of the most miserable people I have ever known and maybe you should consider not even being on this planet anymore!" Who says that to their own daughter? He is and always has been such a very mean man but I never thought I would be stuck taking care of him only to be emotionally and verbally abused all over again in my later life. I just feel like giving up but know that I can't.
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