Frustrated with brothers-in-law over mother-in-laws care. No one has POA. What to do?

None of us can afford to get conservatorship and MIL does not have an estate. She only receives $2000.00 a month from deceased FIL pension and her social security. I found the board and care (it is a nice place, I use to be a case manager for placements so I know what to look for). The elder brother (I believe) has mental issues and does not want responsibility, but also does not want anyone else making decisions. She was fine there for 2 months and then he started to visit and gets her very agitated. She seems to direct all her anger and me and my husband. She does not remember her home, but she remembers living with us. Hospice has already stated if she is removed by either and the situation isn't to their standards, they will bring in adult services. My husband states we may just have to let that happen. I just hate seeing her get so agitated and possibly uprooted yet again.

If no one has POA, at this point, someone needs to go to an eldercare attorney and get guardianship. This costs around $10,000 but can be recouped from mom's estate. After that, the guardian decides what to do with mom, chooses where she lives and manages her finances.

Someone needs to be designated POA but since your MIL is being treated for dementia you may need to see an attorney. POA is paramount. However, POA has no control over someone's behavior. The POA can, however, prohibit certain visitors but I don't know if you want to take that step with your BIL. I don't know if you can ban someone for being a jerk. The nursing home will have a social worker. Maybe a family meeting might be in order. If you think this might help go to the social worker beforehand and let him/her know what is going on with your BIL.

Have you simply asked him why, all of a sudden, he feels that MIL needs to be home when he was on board prior to her moving there? Why he didn't voice his concerns then? If he's a semi-reasonable person maybe your husband can talk to him. Maybe his mom being in a nursing home and on hospice was not what the thought it was going to be. Having an elderly parent in a nursing home is very stressful. Maybe he wasn't prepared. Or maybe he's just a lout who needs to be banned from seeing his mom but that should be a last resort.

Both BIL and SIL brought MIL to the stripped down house. This served no purpose but to upset her. They were told NOT to bring her back to the house. They didn't listen, and this infuriated my husband, the oldest son. He met with both of them, his sister began to see the light. His brother, on the other hand would not give in. So he told his brother to STFU or else take over ALL the responsibility for her care, her doctors and her bills. 24/7. Gosh, he didn't want to have to do all that. So we move forward. Even though they all agreed she needed ALF, the reality of it hit them hard. Another bump in the road.

Welcome to my world. We moved MIL into an ALF March 1 and she is very happy there. On March 22nd we got cousins to help clear out her furniture so we can rent her half of the duplex. My BIL got very upset, said we are "jumping the gun and rushing right into this" We pointed out that this represents a savings of nearly $1000 a month, that the money pays the ALF. Of course HE doesn't want to help pay for her care in any way. My SIL was also upset to see "all the rummaging through her things". She has no spare cash either. Certainly they were upset, they don't want to lose her and the home is symbolic of preserving life the way it was. WAS not IS. It's a mixture of grief and denial.