How do I help myself? I am officially burnt!

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Sweetpeakawaii Asked March 2014

How do I help myself? I am officially burnt!

I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother full time at in her home with no Respite! She is 92 and what has put me in this situation is her latest bout with a severe CHF attack. She was hospitalized on 2 occasions back to back for CHF and went into rehab both times (from Nov. 28 2013-Jan27 2014). My situation is I agreed to stay with her get her on her feet on a short term basis of only a week or two (as I have done in the past with her). Just that this time it is now two months and counting and she still needs round the clock assistance with all daily living activities, personal grooming and dressing, assistance in the bathroom, driving her to all of her Dr. Appointments, cooking all meals and medication management and dispensing. She is a good person and I love her but feel her family is now taking full advantage of me. She has congestive heart failure, AFIB, lung cancer, COPD, Sleep Apnea, bladder cancer, incontinence issues, mobility issues that now has her using a walker, she is not steady on her feet and has problems with her balance even with her walker. I am super frustrated at this point because no long term plans are being made for her care and she clearly needs round the clock assistance and none of her children are helping or making any plans! I have told my boyfriend that I am exhausted and need a break and his response is you can do more! Her daughter lives in Texas and hasn't offered to help or come out to visit in any way shape or form but wants her mother to travel to her in the summer to stay a few weeks while her 5 grandchildren and others will be staying at there too at the same time. This is not a solution at all. Currently she is getting a second round of PT and OT provided to her in her home. These therapies with this new outfit have just started and could last up to 90 days. I've been with her for 61 already and don't think I can do another 90! I have had discussions with my friend personally and told her how tired I am and why haven't her grown children made any long term care arrangements for her. she simple replies I don't know why. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home, doesn't want to hire any kind of help or aide to elevate me in anyway and I feel so alone and trapped! Her sons won't take care of her (other than occassionally sitting with her for 2 hrs so I can see my doctors one of which is a shrink and I am now on 60mg Prozac and kolonapin to help ease my clinical depression). I have no legal rights to her care yet everyone in her family has just left me to do everything. I am very concerned and shocked at her children's behavior with the wait and see if mom gets independent approach. Her regular md is aware that I am the only one caring for her and he is my Dr. And sees the toll it is taking on my life. I have a 19 yr old daughter living at my house that rarely gets to see me and feels lonely. I simply don't know what more to do to make it clear that enough is enough! I care about my friends safety and well being and if I go her plan is to stay on her own. This would be very dangerous. The only thing I can think that will help me out if this is the therapy that has been prescribed to her is now from her regular md and he is now going to monitor and assess her needs. Hopefully by end of April he will have enough info to prescribe her care! And then maybe she and her family will listen. She has some money to hire respite but chooses not to. She pays a cleaning lady (who is a distant family member) 120 a week to come in a clean an already clean house and do 1 load of laundry. Ashe makes to much to apply for medicaid. Sooooo what gives! Any suggestions on how I can be even more persistent for a long term plan to be made for her and how I can get some much needed relief and get my life back! I am 40 and not even engage to this women's son but have been dating him for 14 years. This... I feel should no longer be my responsibility. I am on disability due to a 3 level back fusion I had about a year and half ago with daily pain and clinical depression. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months and feel further depressed, trapped and now resentful. Help any suggestions?

I am caring for my friend, who is 92 years old, living at home and the primary ailment is heart condition / stroke.

Burnout

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score 0 · Answer 1

Oops, missed that you already have a home. Go there, have the family pay you for the hours you work to care for his mom, then leave when those hours are over. Your boyfriend can "date" you from your home.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Sweetpea, I do agree that being harsh is not a good way to help someone. We all use the best coping skills we have at the time. You may not be married so you don't screw up your disability payments, sometimes they used the combined income of both spouses I think.

I do think you will feel better if you explore and maybe set up options for yourself outside your boyfriends home. A studio apartment for example. You can choose to use it when you want to.

Since you are providing in home care for his mother, you should get paid for this. Also, if you have back injury that prevents you from work, you need to protect both your body and your disability claim by not performing these tasks.

You are heading toward eventually needing care yourself. Would your boyfriend do anything differently for you than for his mother? Usually you can see what people will do in the future by looking at what they did in the past.

Also, I don't know if you have legal rights as a common law spouse, you may need to look into this. I suspect you believe that your boyfriend will care for you, provide you with his home and such, until you die. That may not be true. The only person who will take care of your needs is you. He could die before you, find someone who is healthy and does not remind him of the past sickness of his mother. All terrible things I hope will not happen, but could and do happen to folks.

I encourage you to continue to read comments, even if people phrase their encouragement too strongly. Don't throw out the support due to poor wording.

You are valuable as you are. You do not need to "earn" value by caregiving.

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score 0 · Answer 3

This topic is closed for discussion thanks again for everyone's opinion and advice.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Thank all this topic is closed. Appreciate everyone's opinions and advice even the harsh words.

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score 3 · Answer 5

I would run from him and his family. If he is not listening to your concerns and his mother needs more help, let go and let him deal with it for week. I bet that would be a game changer. No one who is not legally a part of this family should take on this responsibility.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Home health care could also be an option. Even though my MIL is in an assisted living facility home health visits her three times a week to bathe her and do blood work etc. Medicare pays for it. Your doctor should have advised you of this already as he is also your MIL's doctor. He needs to write orders that home health is needed or maybe even hospice care since her health is so bad. Also get that man out of the house with your 19 year old daughter! You are inviting trouble. Even though you have been in this relationship for 14 years it sounds like it is a one way street here.....God Bless you and give you strength.

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score 0 · Answer 7

You are only a victim of this situation because you are allowing it. This woman is the responsibility of her children, not you. Your first obligation is to your daughter and to yourself. Stop being a martyr and give your boyfriend the responsibility that is his and his family's. From what you have described, you need another boyfriend, and maybe another shrink if the one you have hasn't encouraged you to end this basically self-immolation situation that is draining you to the point of exhaustion. You have already done more than enough.

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score 1 · Answer 8

I would tell the family that unless they want you to have power of attorney, the care will end. Bet that would get them moving. I do think they are using you. You could always get a social worker to come in and see the situation so you would have someone on your side. I have dated someone like this and would really think twice about a guy who was so non supportive. Doesn't he care what it is doing to you?

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score 0 · Answer 9

BTW, I'm also a doormat. It's okay if I call myself that. If someone else said that to me, I'd just ignore.

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score 0 · Answer 10

BTW, if I am reading this right and your doctor is the same doctor as boyfriend's mom, he's in a tough spot, with one patient's best interest pitted against another's. It may be hard to see it, but you may need to untie some of the knots you've tied yourself into. I'm sure there is a reason not to change doctors, but I'd think the need for some objectivity could trump it.

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score 1 · Answer 11

Sweet pea, you may not realize it, but you presented your story as if you were being thoroughly used, neglected, and blown off in all your concerns though you are at the absolute breaking point and your health in ruins. It would have been hard for us to see it any other way! If that's not really the case and the situation is salvageable and boyfriend has his merits even though he won't make a commitment, why so "burnt"? Just food for thought, and maybe the perspective could make a difference in how you think of your current and foreseeable future life. But yes, doing anything you can to reduce stress on yourself if you are not up for making a big change makes sense.

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score 2 · Answer 12

I do think calling anyone a doormat is a crass way to respond. It could be hurtful. I'm sorry anyone laid that on you. However, I agree with what others said in response to what you wrote. It is time for the direct family to step up. I have the feeling that if you were less available that they would do something. As far as they are concerned, everything is covered right now.

My response to get out of a bad relationship was after reading you've been dating for 14 years and are not even engaged. I just did the math and saw you started dating him when you were 26 and now you're 40 with no long-term commitment. Of course, we on the group don't know the fine details, but what you described doesn't sound like a good situation at all. If you are satisfied with it, though, is what matters.

Glad you are looking to finding some care for your boyfriend's mother. She sounds to me like she may be eligible for hospice. They could help tremendously if you think it would be good to go that route.

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score 1 · Answer 13

Go home. Tell "boyfriend" it's his turn to care for mom. Go back to your daughter. We show love and respect for our elders by getting them the care they need, not by killing ourselves.

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score 2 · Answer 14

I am afraid that I really don't understand your question at the end of your vent. Any suggestions? was the question right? I think you got really good suggestions. You did say that going home would be going home to your BF. So what's wrong with that?
You are not doing anything wrong in caring for someone that means a lot to you. But in your own words, you are burnt. I suppose the alternative is to continue doing what you are doing, die before her and then you will be free……..sorry, but tough love is blunt.

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score 0 · Answer 15

Thank you! And I have told her all about this she advised me to call her md and tell him what is going on. I have done that and he ended up saying nothing and telling her he is doing the best he can to have her stay home. It is a new week and so I will give him another call insisting he put a prescription thru for a someone to come and help her with her custodial care and some kind of caregiver! I don't want to just leave the person I have been wig for 14 years as he seems scared and won't stand up to his mother for some reason. The problem begins with her I believe as she is the matriar of the family and my boyfriend made the fatal error of promising his mother that he would never place her in a home back 16 years ago when his father died. My boyfriend isn't a bad person or a loser like all are implying on this board....I think he doesn't know whAt the heck to do and now once again I will have to show the way. I realize only I can make a difference in this situation but expected a little more than being called a door mat and that I am with a loser. Yes they are taking advantage of me but I am dealing with scared adult children with a narcissistic parent who wants the impossible. I will be looking for a local support group to look for respite and will start with our local county office of aging as this website suggests after further reading on this site that seems to be a good place for me to start to finish what I started. Thanks again for all the advice. Most of it just made me feel like it was doing something wrong for caring for a women I could very well call my mother in law. I needed to vent and made the mistake I. Doing so on here. I get what I sow... Take care

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score 1 · Answer 16

Pack. Up. And. Leave. Move to a different island at least if not to the mainland. Change your phone numbers. You are being used, not loved, and your "boyfriend" is a user and a loser. You are a far better person than he will ever be. You want to give him and his mom notice go ahead, as long as it is not just a chance for them to talk you out of it. Show this all to your "shrink," and I hope he or she is a GOOD one. That's a lot of Prozac, and more of the same is NOT the answer.

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score 0 · Answer 17

She isn't suffering and is in no pain very a-symptomatic and currently in remission. She has her mind too. Just sayin

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score 1 · Answer 18

Thanks! The door mat

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score 2 · Answer 19

14 years! and with no commitment. And taking care of his mother. The solution is simple. The "boyfriend" should stay with his own mother and you should be with your daughter. I would put that boyfriend on the road with a "good riddance to bad rubbish." Some choices of mates are bad choices and it's best to just be rid of them. I wouldn't even give notice. I would go home and send him to his mother. The shame is on him and not you.

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score 0 · Answer 20

APS is Adult Protective Services. Same concept as Child Protective Services. It's a government agency at the state or county level that investigates reports of neglect or abuse. Are you also saying that your boyfriend and daughter live by themselves while you are living with his mom? I would speed up the return home as your daughter is asking for you. Why leave him them alone together? Just sayin'.

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score 2 · Answer 21

you are not the bad guy here HER FAMILY are the ones that have not stepped up and are taking advantage of you. they should be the ones feeling guilty and the bad guy.

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score 1 · Answer 22

stop being a doormat! she is at a point that home care isn't the best choice for the best care. its time for professional care and a nursing home. its time for a "DNR" and maybe a do not hospitalize order. she is very old and very sick. and maybe it would be more humane to start palliative care and start thinking about letting her pass before she is really suffering any more than she is eight now. but either way you need to let HER FAMILY take over her care.

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score 1 · Answer 23

I guess I have to get more nerve up, deal with the consequences of me being kind and not appreciated, and loose the guilt! This forum is just what I need!

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score 1 · Answer 24

Thank you for the honesty. It's really hard for me to just abandon her this is why I said I will be the bad guy. And as far as common sense goes this family must not have any because I have told him and her directly that I can't do this anymore so it will end badly I am afraid because I will have to loose my s**t to get anyone moving and I am pissed they have take that road or to even be considered a door mat for caring. How embarrassing!

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score 2 · Answer 25

Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat to your boyfriends mother and take care of your daughter. No man is worth hanging onto in your situation. If you are doing this because of of your disabilty and finances, then your so called boyfriend is using you as a means to find someone desperate enough to take on his responsibilities. I may sound cruel, but I am only going on what you are saying and using common sense in your situation.

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score 0 · Answer 26

Thanks so much for responding. I don't mean to sound naive but what does APS stand for? Also going home would me going home to my boyfriend. This is my exact point! They all just left me rowing the boat but now I am the bad guy! Bunch of narcissists!

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score 7 · Answer 27

Go home to your kid. Tell your boyfriend the free ride is over and HE and HIS family need to take care of his mom. Just a thought, but how would he treat you if you need care in the future? You have a long life left to live and you are under to much stress already. Pack up your stuff, tell them in advance your SHORT timeframe for leaving (so they can make other arrangements) and then leave and go home. Your home. To Your kid who also needs you. Take your time rating up. Then talk to the shrink about your relationship with the boyfriend who left you in this boat and told you to row it by yourself. You step out , and if they don't step up, call APS for her.

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How do I help myself? I am officially burnt!

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