It's been going on for 20 years. We've voiced our disapproval and there's nothing but excuses, denial, enabling going on for years. I'm not sure how this will even help, except for me to vent and get some outsiders insight. My #1 question are these events considered elder abuse, in legal terms? My 90 yr old grandmother is in good mental and physical health, is not an invalid, is independent, drives, has an active social life. She's been forgetting things sometimes, needed major surgery (recovered fine), but that's the worst of her health issues so far. She's of sound mind, but thinks the biggest opportunist in our family is a saint and gets upset if you suggest otherwise. Denial.
My grandparents loaned $40K to my aunt and her hubby years ago. My grandma herself eventually told me, they stopped paying her back the day grandpa died and she became "persona non grata"--gram's own words. My aunt's claim to fame at this time was being the "book keeper" for her hubby's business and her own household. Her hubby had a nursing degree and ran a "home aid" business. They lived above their means for years: luxury home, vacations & cruises, antiques, $30k baby grand piano, gold plated silverware (Liberace would be proud!), cars, designer clothing, etc. My aunt wrote the checks and had to know about their finances. Yet Grandma won't hold my aunt accountable for anything, placing all the blame on my aunt's hubby at the time. They would have loaned my aunt $40k no matter who her hubby was, because she's their daughter and they trusted.
Grandma married my step-grandpa a few years later. My aunt and her hubby filed for bankruptcy (TWICE), lost their home to foreclosure, and split up. My unemployed aunt never lifted a finger to get her own apt or job, so my grandparents allowed her to move into their home. During this time my step-grandpa lost $20K in a scam that targets elderly people. He also had a stroke and ended up in a wheelchair. My grandma, aunt, and mom (who works full time) all helped take care of him. Within a few months my step-grandpa gave my aunt $50K to buy her own home. My grandma went along with this. My mom was extremely upset: You don't accept that kind of money from an elder who's already lost $20K in a scam-- You get off your butt, get a job, and buy your own home like everybody else. My step-grandpa's son had power of attorney on his dad's finances, but was deliberately kept in the dark. The son went through his dad's paperwork, trying to figure out how $70K vanished. They eventually told him about the scam, but I don't know if he was told about my aunt's "gift house". To this day, my aunt and grandma badmouth the son for investigating. My step-grandpa soon passed, his family hates ours, my mother doesn't blame them for hating us, and I agree with my mom 100%!
As soon as my step-grandpa died (not long after his stroke), my aunt doesn't pay anything back. Excuse this time is my step-grandpa wanted her to have that money. My aunt has a bachelor's degree. After step-grandpa passed, she worked exactly one year full-time and was fired. She never lifted a finger to get a full-time job again. She worked part-time once or twice a week and whine to me about "having to work", she wasn't concerned about her lack of hours, just annoyed she had to work at all. She's in perfect physical health, better than most. As soon as she was old enough she applied for SS and her pension, taking a huge $ cut. My aunt (and grandma) tells everyone she's a "retired so-and-so", even though she only worked one year full-time her entire adult life. She had the nerve to ask grandma for a $5K loan, that time grandma put her foot down. But only because she didn't approve of my aunt allowing her deadbeat kids into her home, the one my step-grandpa's money bought for my unemployed aunt. My aunt's kids take right after her, and her grandkids too-- No work ethic, not working for years, leeching off their mom and other family members, etc. My grandma has lots of negatives to say about my aunt's kids & grandkids, ignoring the fact she allowed my aunt to get away with the exact same things, more so even! Nothing compares to "gifting" someone $90K, and my aunt hasn't done that for her deadbeat kids. The only "extra" money my aunt had access to was my grandma's, only about $10K, but that's gone now too.
A year ago my grandma had heart surgery. 99% was covered by her insurance (I saw bill with my own eyes). Grandma tells everyone the uncovered 1% is what "did her in" financially and wiped out her remaining savings. She was telling us she might have to sell her home (payed for in full 40 years ago). My mom told grandma giving $90K to my aunt is what wiped her out. My brother tried telling grandma my aunt should be giving her monthly payments ( I moved into Gram's and was paying her $400, then $500 month rent for one room). If I pay that for 1 room, surely auntie dearest can pay that much for a whole house?
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To clarify, my aunt has POA and I see her weekly/several times a month. I'm not looking to bring a lawsuit against her, was just curious if her actions could be considered "elder abuse". If you met her, you'd think she's one of the nicest people. I don't like or respect her, BUT I'm a great actress for grandma's sake. The only time I would ever speak out against my aunt is when her shenanigans effect me directly. Like when grandma was out of town, I came home from work to find auntie had let her deadbeat son into our house, so he could crash there rent-free. He was in grandma's shower and all his belongings in basement. Aunt won't let him stay in her own house, but she has a key to our house so might as well take advantage! I hated to call grandma over that, but we were able to laugh about it later. Grandma told me to look around and make sure nothing was stolen! I have some expensive things, so does grandma. Those instances, I had every right to speak out and did. My grandmother backed me up, but that doesn't stop my aunt from repeat bad-behavior. She's pulled stunts like that multiple times, knowing grandma doesn't approve, and it's not fair to me either. At this point, her son (in his 30s) has been in and out of prison. I don't want to be near him. I believe 100% the people he hangs with are dangerous.
I'm not worried about grandma "cutting me off" because the fact is I have more $ than grandma! I'm surprised she hasn't asked me for a loan! I've worked full time same place my entire adult life. Never expected a free hand-out from richer relatives. I like making my own money. In other words, I'm the exact opposite of my aunt. My mother, father, and two brothers are the same as me. So forgive me if I don't relate to deadbeats with no work ethic who leech off elderly parents until they are broke. At this point the problem is bills being payed late or not at all. I've seen "past due" notices and threats of legal action over unpaid bills left sitting on the table. I keep my mother posted on what I see and hear, other than that I keep out of it. I'm the expert on biting my tongue, to the point I have no tongue. Whether it's my business or not, I internalize it, because I'm so close to it. Eventually I will be away from this situation. So that's all I can do.
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Best of luck
But. While I can understand your feeling enraged with your aunt's pattern of behaviour, that behaviour did not constitute abuse in the legalistic sense of the word. Morally, sure: what you've described is pretty despicable; but actually? Your grandmother and step-grandfather were at a low ebb, and vulnerable in that sense, but they knew what they were doing at the time they did it. Hence: no abuse.
The important thing for you to concentrate on, though, is what your grandmother's needs are now. Is she in financial difficulties, really? If so, the best thing would be for your mother (rather than you) to seek professional advice on how to improve her situation. If that were to include recovering some of the outstanding debt from your aunt, it would seem only just - but frankly this isn't your business. Not because you're wrong to care, of course you do, but because nobody put you in charge. You don't have the authority to do anything about it, so don't meddle.
If she isn't in financial difficulties, if there's no risk of financial hardship, you need to think carefully about HER priorities. Number 1, I'd say, is making sure auntie doesn't pull any more fast ones. But Number 2 is thinking about what's important to your grandma about how she sees her daughter. Her beloved daughter, don't forget; not just your wicked, feckless, manipulative aunt.
The portrait you've painted of your aunt is an unattractive one. I don't blame you for feeling very angry with her. But clearly your grandmother had a different view of her; and we, your readers, need to bear in mind that there will be other factors of play - including, probably, ones that you yourself aren't aware of or allowing for.
So my advice, once you've made sure your grandmother is protected from further - let's call it - exploitation, is to zip it. Focus on helping your grandma, forget dearest auntie, concentrate on what's important. If you keep on thinking "rhubarb rhubarb $90K, grumble mutter hate $100K" to yourself it will eat you up and stop you from making the best of every moment with a wonderful elder whose home you share and who is going strong at 90 - more power to her.
I'm curious: what kind of contact did you, do you still have, with Villain Aunt? Have you ever thought about thrashing all of this out with her? If you're not on speaking terms - I'm guessing not! - you could try the old ruse of writing her a letter and getting all of your feelings towards her down on paper. It might help to clarify exactly what it is about her that makes you sorest; then you can more easily see how to stop it hurting you so much. And try to make space, just a little, for areas where maybe she was more sinned against than sinning: there could be good reasons why your grandma felt sorry for her, beyond sentimentality.
When I took over dad's bills in December 2013 he was on the verge of loosing his home. He has $21,000+ in cc bills, he was months behind on all his utilities & insurance premiums & had missed 2 months of the mortgage. I am just now getting him current. We just went through a mortgage loan modification.
There is nothing you can do. The money is gone & it is never coming back. (My dad had even given money to a neighbor!!!)
A person can give their money to whomever they wish & it is not elder abuse.
Here is a link to an excellent article on financial elder abuse buy consumer reports.
http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine/2013/01/protecting-mom-dad-s-money/index.htm
Unfortunately your aunt has no assests so it is unlikely that any money could be recovered.
I suggest moving out of Grandma's house and paying rent elsewhere, it seems to be upsetting you paying your Grandma while your Aunt gets away without paying back her debts.