My mother was previously at home. I have 2 homes on 1 property, very close together, and she lived there by herself with us checking on her several times a day.
Her health began to deteriorate shortly after my father died 10 years ago. She would go to the doctor but then refuse to follow directions, take medications, have recommended procedures, etc. She was finally forced into having at least one medical procedure last year because her health became so bad, it was either have the procedure or be in tremendous pain.
She was placed on home health at that time, and they would have re-certified her, but she she started refusing to comply with their treatments/recommendations, so she was discharged for noncompliance.
She then began to fall frequently. She would just sit in her recliner all day long, only getting up to feed herself or go to the bathroom. She became deconditioned. Again, she was placed on home health with home PT, an aide for bathing, and nursing to help with meds. She made it through the first period, and they recertified her for a second, but again she began to refuse to comply and was discharged.
In November 2013, she had a major stroke and fell, injuring her right arm. She was sent to rehab and then sent to skilled nursing in a nursing home. She should have received skilled services until mid March, but because she refused (again) to comply with therapy or rehab, she was discharged from skilled and placed on long-term care.
She cannot walk. She cannot feed herself very well because of the injury to her arm. Her trunk muscles cannot hold up her body, and she is somewhat like a rag doll. She is an extreme fall risk and has fallen several times, even with all the precautions. She is incontinent of both stool and urine and frequently soils herself, requiring very strict cleanliness precautions because since she refuses to move, she is at huge risk for bed sores. She has an advanced directive/living will and has explicitly stated that she does not want a feeding tube or any heroic measures.
I am giving all this background to get to the topic.
I try to stop by and see her every day after work. She is extremely angry and verbally abusive to not only me but the staff. She does not want to get out of bed, especially to shower or sit up in her wheelchair. She has hit, kicked, and pulled the hair of at least one aide.
She has refused meds. They brought in a psych to see her, and she was offered antidepressants, which she refused.
She curses me when I see her. She at first demands and then pleads to go home. It is just me. I am her only child. She has siblings, but not only are they worthless, their health is almost as bad as hers. There is absolutely no way I could care for her at home because she requires 24/7 care. She has told me that I am "going to pay" for what I have done to her and that she hopes I die in a nursing home.
My 16-year-old son often goes with me to visit but lately has refused to see her because she is so verbally abusive.
The facility is now in the process of documenting her behavior to determine if anything can be done. Their staff doctor requires specific documentation before something can be done.
Me and several others have tried to gently explain things to her, and she is just convinced that someone is keeping her there and that if we sold just let her go home, she would be better.
What do you say? What do you do? It is to the point that I don't want to see her, but on the other hand if it were me in a nursing home, I would at least want some company. What have others done in this situation?
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When your Mommy child decides to have a temper tantrum in the store, are you able to pick her up and wisk her outside before she disrupts everything in sight?
Oh what happened when you turned 5? Did you not start the journey to going to school? I bet those teachers were mean, weren't they? Did your Mommy take you out of school and just let you have your way? From the age of 5 to 18 you were in school and frankly, I hated school! But my Mommy said I was safe there and needed to learn so I could function in the real world.
Honey, if you want to take care of your Mother at home, I think that is great! But please don't compare it to having a baby. Not even close. Having a baby at age 20 or so, don't even come close to taking care of an elderly parent when you are in your sixties.
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The nurse has said that they must have documentation of her behaviors to even start her on a medication for her behaviors and anxieties. They can't just randomly start her on a med without documenting why. It is so strange because you hear so much about people who have no visitors at a nursing home. No one ever says it is because their loved one curses them, calls them names, and says they hate them.
The other side is freeing yourself, too. You DO NOT HAVE TO visit all the time. Think about it -- is there any other context in our society where we would tell people "you should allow yourself to be abused on a regular basis"? Your son's reaction is a healthy one. Do you want to train him to believe that "good people allow themselves to get hurt over and over”? No you don’t. Imagine that you are now in your nineties and you are lashing out – do you want him to suffer terribly at your hands? No you don’t.
Ask yourself what you really want to model for your kid(s). It will help you decide what to do AS your mom’s adult child. Maybe what you want to model is something like this:
(1) we’re doing the best we can to see to it that grandma is safe, medically cared for, and content;
(2) she IS safe, medically cared for, but contentment-wise she’s in a bad way, we haven’t got that bit figured out yet and will keep trying;
(3) meantime for our own sakes, we also do the best we can not to take what she is saying literally or take her behavior personally;
(4) we have to look after ourselves too, so we don’t have to go any more often than we can take.
Some people will never be happy with anything. Someone else's happiness is not your responsibility it is theirs.
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