Feeling really angry because my Mom refuses expert advice from her financial planner. Any advice?

Bunnyrabbit, you are correct. If your mom is cognizant enough to make decisions, then step back and let it go. Dwelling on her decision will only serve to make you resentful. If however, you think there is something more going on, take her to her Dr. and have him run some tests. Is it possible she is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or other type dementia? If she does have a cognitive impairment, it shouldn't be a problem for you to become Guardian.

Imtired2 you are making a GREAT point. One I forgot to mention. While professionals have some good advice to offer, they are also predominantly interested in feeding their own family and buying their own cars, homes, etc.

Be very, very careful before turning money over to advisors.

Their first priority is often to get paid and in the long run, they leave little. Look carefully at fees, be skeptical and think for yourself. In my personal experience, the outcome was never worth the price when we gave up accountability to a "professional". They "managed" the hell out of things until there was nothing left, but fees to be paid.

Bunny, I just re-read your question, and you kind of answered your own question in your last few sentences when your wrote. "I need to let go of my anger and frustration towards my mother and her choices. It's her right to spend her money and trust who ever she chooses. There's no law that says I am entitled to any part of her estate." Think long and hard before having a firm "take over" to manage your mom's estate. Be grateful your mom is fortunate to have plenty of money to live her life the way she sees fit, unlike many other older people who struggle every day. Sounds like you might be better off not wasting your energy trying to control something you can't. If mom is competent there's nothing you can do. Read online about the pros and cons of having a Corporate Trustee. It may not be in your mom's best interest. There are plenty of corrupt so called professionals who see your mom and her estate as an asset period, and it's their job to get that asset.

Petition the Court to become her Guardian. Your brother will probably object and will most likely also petition the Court for the same reason. Get your evidence together why a Guardianship is needed, and, why it should be you and not him. Maybe hire a lawyer. If the judge deems neither of you should be guardian, he may appoint a public guardian. I personally would feel more comfortable if the guardian was not the financial adviser. While there are many, if not most, financial advisers are honest, not all are, and I have personally seen elder people taken to the cleaners by their so-called financial advisers.

I understand how you feel, however even though my parent feels the same about me as you describe for yourself, I'm still the one who has the burden of their mess. I know it does hurt when a parent favors children, causes conflict with one and has a lack of respect for an adult child. Boy do I know this feeling. I have an estate mess I've been dealing with, a house literally falling off it's foundation, a houseful of stuff to be auctioned. My sibling recently stood in my face and told me they felt entitled to more because they're favored, trying to intimidate me. Yes laughable. If it weren't for the fact said sibling tucks tail and runs every time something difficult happens, said sibling would be handling this and not me. The irony in life.... there's lots of that too. Even though you worry about how your brother will handle it all, you are probably better off, take what little you can from the mess and move on. You can fight for guardianship and all that, but if your mom is able to speak up for herself at all, it sounds like she'll protest it. Dealing with it is simply a matter of is it worth the stress to you? That's what you need to ask yourself, is it worth the stress, because there will be a lot of it for you and hurt, so again, is it worth it? Hugs to you and good luck.

Your mentally ill, unemployed, history of financial irresponsibility, brother wouldn't happen to be the oldest child would he? I have a older sister who fits that description to a T except my sister has no assets of her own, she signed everything over to her third (and hopefully final) husband, during her most recent psychotic episode. I live and work in a state other than the one my sister and mother reside in, I stay in contact with my mother to insure her needs are being met. I don't expect an inheritance, I expect my sister and her non-mentally ill third husband to treat our mother in a humane manner with dignity. I may have my expectations too high where the two are concerned but that is all I care about. I had to let go years and years ago which is probably the healthiest thing to do in these kinds of situations. I'm thankful I can still communicate with my mother on a weekly basis. I hope the best for you!

As dementia sets in, it sounds as if it's the most natural thing in the world that parents will resent the caregiving child and to throw money toward the non-caregiving child, who is most classically some person who takes advantage of the parent.

Is it guilt? Do they feel the need to help that other child? It could be some combination of things.

My own mother doesn't really have a sense of money, any longer. On one hand, she is freaked-out that what little money she had is gone. On the other hand, would probably throw it to the wind or toward anyone that asked for it if given the chance. She does not herself understand why and she waffles between these two extremes.

Because she squandered what little money she had, she worries that she will not have enough to pay for a cheap funeral. So, on one hand, casually threw money away but worries about spending a few dollars for a new pair of pants at K-Mart.

It doesn't make sense, isn't going to make sense, and no-one seems to truly know why. So, if you want to understand it, just know that it might not really make sense.

So, you could just walk away from it all. Or, you could wait around and listen for some opportunity where you could get someone she trusts to suggest she hand it all over to the financial planners. Maybe some time when your brother is too sick to help her and she's frustrated, someone she trusts can make that suggestion (priest? doctor? family friend?).

Just for a bit of humor, notice the headline on your post. You're looking for advice about how to successfully advise your mother to take her financial advisor's advice. Says it all right there -- we are all trying to influence things for the better, and there's no guarantee that any of it will "work". Outcomes aren't always in our hands.... !

My mother is doing the same thing to me. She is putting my brother on her checking account and CDs as joint owner. She has hundreds of thousands of dollars. This legally gives him all of this money free and clear. She tells him to give me half but basically doesn't care what he does just so she gets what she wants.

Bunny rabbit I am sure your frustration is the same as mine. Not so much about money, but about being left out of the family unit. Being not trusted by your mother is a very hurtful thing, I know, mom has done that to me as well.

All of these nice people here are correct when they say it is her money to do with as she pleases and her trust to gift to you as she sees it. But for every mean spirited action she takes there is a reaction. What we do in life comes back to us. I don't know how you feel about you mom but I will not be the one taking care of mine. She will spend that money on her nursing care and my brother's pie will be just a little smaller. :)

My SIL is doing this same thing. She is 65 and put several thousand $$$ in an 11 insurance annuity, against her professional brother's advice.

There is nothing we can do about and the chips will fall, where they may. We doubt that the money even is there, anymore.

Tell your mother she has a doctors appointment and take her in for an Alzheimer's/dementia testing. If her tests come back positive, you can have her declared incompetent and request to be her POA.

I was the primary care-giver for my mom and she gave most of her money to my mostly absent siblings. Fortunately for me, for some strange reason, I grew up to take full financial accountability for myself, so I worked hard, saved and I'm OK.

When I asked her why she kept heaping money on my siblings, when I was the one who sat with her in the hospital, I was her medical advocate, I rushed to her side in every emergency, she said she didn't know why and just kept giving, most to the sibling who needed it least.

I had all the emotions you can imagine. I was at times angry, surprised, shocked, sad and also I felt lucky that I could be there for her... that was priceless.

I showed up for her and cared for her because that is the kind of person I wanted to be, regardless of what happened with her money. At the end of the day, now that she is gone, I'm happy and at peace with my behavior and my decisions.

I keep trying to remember how does it go? "We can only change our own behavior and not the behavior of others"?

I had conversations with my mom. I brought advisors to her. At the end of the day, she was probably desperate for a connection with my missing siblings and she was angry with me because I was closest to her, when she was afraid of sickness and dying. I will never really understand it, but honestly, it doesn't matter now.

Two things: I wish I had pointed out to my mom what she was doing sooner. By the time I had clear conversations with her, it was way too late for her to consider it all. She didn't seem to have any idea why she was pushing money to the very people who were not there for her.

Secondly, in the end I have to believe, that for whatever reason, she did what she wanted to do.

I feel lucky that I have my health, my sons are fine, and that my siblings are still my friends, at some distance.

I feel lucky that I did more good than harm. I am happy that I put my time and energy into being a good person and being the best possible daughter I could possibly be...

I hope at the end of the day, you too feel blessed and and find goodness in this very complicated journey you are now on. It is not easy, but if you make the best and right decisions for your mom and yourself now, you will be at peace for a long, long time to come.

Sometimes the best thing to do is simply disengage. There is no law that says you are entitled to part of your mother's estate and there is no law that says you have to visit with your mother or even have a relationship with her OR your brother. If you think about it, your mother has made it clear that she doesn't trust you. So, really, there's no basis for a relationship at all anymore. Just because someone gave birth to you and raised you doesn't mean you need to continue to have a relationship with them if it is damaging your life. Your mother has intentionally damaged your relationship with your daughter. Obviously she is a very manipulative person. But you don't need to run after her like you are still a little child. You don't need to depend on her for anything. In your shoes, I'd move on and not look back. Some parents just don't deserve to be parents but you don't have to put yourself in harm's way and take her bad behavior just because you are related by blood.

Petition the courts for a Guardian if she is incompetent. If she is mentally competent she can do what she wants. If she is not the court will find an appropriate guardian.