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moms1of6 Asked April 2014

Mom's isolated from everyone but one of my siblings. What should I do?

She won't even acknowledge me in a store, except snicker with my sister. Haven't talked to mom for almost 3 yrs. She doesn't want to talk to me and when we see each other in a store, she makes rude comments to my sister who adds fuel to the fire and they'll stare and snicker. Mom use to spend every Xmas, Xmas Eve, and Thanksgiving with my family (noone else invited her) and we had a good time. I have sent her flowers every birthday and Mother's Day. Not even a thank you. My daughter and granddaughter visited her and said I sent the flowers but she doesn't want to call me, I'll hang up on her (which I don't, but she has hung up on me). She doesn't want any communication from me. She's 83, has dementia, doesn't take her meds regularly (according to one of my bros.), is diabetic, Crohn's, hi-blood pressure, hi-cholesterol, is completelyl deaf in one ear and hardly any hearing in another, has a hard time with the english language (she's asian), and maybe about 85 pounds. She use to be a very sweet person and cared about everyone. It breaks my heart that my sister has helped her to be the way she is (as she doesn't want anyone else to visit mom, "causes too much stress which causes her Crohn's to flare up"). I was told to stay away and was not welcome in mom's home. Yes, she lives by herself, house is clean (per brother), but her safety is in jeopardy. She still cooks and was told not to (by her doctor) sine she burns her food. I don't even know if her smoke detector works anymore. My parents are divorced, she's entitled to half his pension (military). Since the siblings who are willing to help are told to stay away, what are we to do?

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hope22 May 2014
Regarding the dementia issue, I do think dementia can be very unpredictable, and it does cause them to go up and down in moods and back and forth with unpredictable behavior. I have personally seen that with my Mama, who is the sweetest human on the face of the earth, but now and then can take a "turn" and it is very hurtful....I am trying to just remember to hang on through those "turns" and sure enough she does come out of them, but it is a cruel roller coaster...prayers to you.
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moms1of6 Apr 2014
I feel the same about mom's additional care. I don't believe a dementia patient continues her anger and hatefulness towards someone she had really relied on and all of a sudden turn it completely off. Mom use to be a happy person, went through life with a struggle of being abandoned at a young age (2). Her parents left the country and raised two additional children in another country (china) until her father moved back to the states. Her mom and sister had died when mom was young (according to a deceased brother. She lived through the atomic bomb in Japan and struggled in the streets to survive. My dad left her and took advantage of her financial state and we were able to recoup what she was entitled to (through the court system). She has 6 children with only two she dislikes (thanks to sister's narcisstic ways) which are the ones who really wanted to help and one still does. The other three go along so nothing more will be expected from them. It's ok, I've accepted the fact that the three of them are out of town and I don't even know or hear of them ever visiting mom. A phone call once in awhile and money (maybe) if sister asks them. Thanks Madison354, your answer was helpful. Smiles and happiness.
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Madison354 Apr 2014
Unfortunately, dementia will cause a normally "rational" person to do something completely out of character. As an example, I am a hospice Social Worker and I have patients with dementia who are completely different from who they once were. One patient was prim and proper, well spoken and religious. Now, she can be rude, crude and make a sailor blush with some of her language. If she realized what was happening, she would be mortified. Is it possible to ask your family for a meeting, including the sister whom your mom still speaks to? Perhaps if you all got together and discussed the situation you could come up with a plan that works for everyone-especially your mom. It sounds as though your mom needs 24 hour care.
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moms1of6 Apr 2014
Thank you, Captain. Sister has asked for help, but only with money. Mom had to have a new hearing aid as she lost the one and they both looked all over the mobile home she lives in. Lo and behold, they found it after 3 other siblings sent money for a new one. One brother and myself didn't contribute (I knew that it owuld be found after she got money). My brother felt that since he contributes monthly without any acknowledgment of receiving it, he felt he has sent the money and has done what he felt comfortable doing. I agree with him.
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anonymous158299 Apr 2014
i care about my aunt too but dementia is unpredictable. if the day comes that her paranoia turns on me i will walk away and write it off as brain death, which it is. your sis does sound like a real flat tire tho. bummer. ill bet she'll be glad to have some help when the going gets bad enough.
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GrannySmith Apr 2014
Start to go see your mom with your brother. Then build to going with your brother on a regular basis, then try going to see your mom alone and see how that goes. Dementia besides confusion and memory loss, can also cause anger, paranoia, etc... Remember this. Good luck.
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moms1of6 Apr 2014
I thought I had let it go until recently. Seeing her in the store with my sister brought back happy and sad memories. I did tell my husband that I can no longer send her flowers for the days I had been. Too painful to be treated like dirt and I feel I am cleaner than dirt and honest. I'll just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hold my head up when I see them in a store.
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Eyerishlass Apr 2014
It sounds like your sister is involved in her care.

I'm sure it's very painful that your mom treats you this way and I know you love her but you might have to just let it go so you don't continue to get hurt yourself when you send her cards or flowers and she refuses to acknowledge these gestures. Do you really want to force your way into this situation?
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moms1of6 Apr 2014
Thank you. Sister has accused me of all sorts of things (she likes things under her control). She's made mom feel that she couldn't depend on anyone other than her. Two sis. feel she's doing a great job (they are out of town and they don't have to physically help nor visit). Two bros. out of town (one contributes monetary with cash monthly, mom never calls to thank you nor checks her mail - sis does it all).
Mom doesn't call him to thank him and doesn't want him to visit. Other bro. lives up north and visited her a couple of days recently, says she's failed to take her meds. regularly. mom doesn't get any exercise and lays on the couch watching TV or sleeping. When I last visited mom she said I lie about everything, ever since I was little I had been a problem (?). This is the same sis. that abandoned mom and dad at 16 (runaway) and maybe is trying to make it uo now, but at the expense of the children who want to help mom. My sis. loves the attention she gets from everyone "taking care of mom" and taking her to all her appts and grocery shopping. I guess I'm burned out with the whole situation, but still love mom.
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assandache7 Apr 2014
Have you talked with the sister who sees Mom to ask why she ignores you? What does your brother have to say about all this?

Maybe until you can have a civil conversation with her you could continue to send her cards/letters letting her know you care for her..
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