After 3+yrs of dealing with difficult Mom's health situation, it finally blew up major physical fights. How do I deal with all this?

Funerals are like volcanos. Most issues of families are below the surface of the earth so speak. So, these chronic unresolved or not discussed issues of families below the surface often manifest themselves or surface with the death of a loved one. Its not like these troubled relationships are not there, they always have been there but become apparent with top ten stressful events. Everyone knows the volcano will eventually erupt but they are in some element of denial--hoping it will not happen.

I have not good siblings, they never help with parents. They won't come to visit unless they are paid to do so (parents put them up in a hotel, pay gas/airfare, take them out to eat in fancy restaurants).
I suggested to my parents to go to their chosen funeral home and pre-pay their funeral, it was great, because now all I have to do is call them when the times come.
I am actually thinking, there is no need for me to even go to the funeral.
Why would I need to go?
I am the one who takes care of them 24/7/365 right now, I know them, they know me. THAT is what matters.
The lazy out of town sibs, yeah sure they're going to come in (all expenses paid) and put on their fancy clothes, and cry their fake tears. Maybe they're real tears. I don' t really care, because they don't care about how I have to do all the work....while they get their all-expenses paid trips to "visit" their parents.
Every family is different.
But one thing is for sure, the "one" who is the caregiver, is never going to get their due until they get to Heaven. That's my expereience

The story is sad. The brother need help and needs to place in rehab for drugs addiction. You two hang in there and stay very positive . Both you did your job with your mother. Like my father always said you have one n bounce that is disfunction in life. So keep up good faith.

This story is so said and my heart goes out to you and your sister. Stick to your guns (excuse the pun) and stand up for what it right. Your mother would want things just as she left them regarding who gets what and who the executor should be. I pray that your brother gets much needed drug rehabilitation and that all if you one day will rejoice together again as a family. I spent many years estranged from my sister due to her husbands drug addicted ways and it was the worst 5 years of my life as I felt a part of me and my family was always missing. Good luck to you all.

My mother's funeral and last three years of her life were like something out of a fiction story. She had a court appointed guardian and conservator thanks to a drug addicted brother and one who didn't care. My sister was soul caregiver and POA, which the court took away. We fought this for over two years. Hospice informed us five days prior to her death that it was time. My brothers were making funeral plans in front of Mom before she was even gone at the nursing home. By the time of the funeral visitation my crazy drug addicted brother stopped the police car on the way and told them that my sister and I had guns and AK-47's and was going to shoot him. I was standing beside my Mothers coffin when I received the call that the police were on the way to find me. Of course it was all false. Long story, but at the funeral I think there were plain clothed officers at his request. That night after the funeral, the brother that didn't care decided to throw my sister out of my mothers house, where she had been staying taking care of Mom for the past three years. (She has her own house, but had moved some of her things to Mom' as she was. There 24/7 taking care of Mom until the guardian put her in a nursing home where she lost the will the live) He and I are from Florida and this was in Michigan. I had to call the Sheriff on him as he totally lost it demanding her to get out or start paying rent. I gave finacial suport for my Mom for 15 years, and. My sister took care of her, neither brother did anything for my Mom, but were right there to run the show at the end. Now they are going to contest the will and not allow my sister to be the executor. We have to go in front of the same judge that assigned the guardian and conservator based on lies by the other brother. If we had to do it all over again, I think a graveside service would have been better, even with the sub zero weather in the snow.

If directives on the funeral were not clear or prepaid, I would think the decision should go to the remaining spouse and/or the person who had POA before death and the executor for any estate. If one sibling wants to change what is normal procedure for your parents' family funeral routine, they need to come forward with signed proof that the parent wanted this change. Otherwise I would follow past family tradition.

Death should not be a time of discord, and I would focus on giving the person a decent funeral that they would have expected.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this heartbreak considering your mother's health is failing. You have to do what is best for you and try to accomidate what your mother would want. Keep in mind of "Hear, Speak and See No Evil" on the day of the funeral, try going for a graveside if you don't want all this drama and amosity. Do everything possible to make your mother and father comfortable so that you are the one who has no regrets when mom passes and when it is finally time for dad to pass. My family blew up but none of it got physical as I vowed to my grandmother that I was better than picking my hands up as much as I wanted to. We have no regret about a graveside funeral, as it was just better so that nobody had to put on an act infront of other relatives friends who would have attended a wake. As it currently stands, my family is fighting about what Grandma's headstone is going to say. Grandma died 4 months ago. Aunt's husband is complaining about Gram's stone being almost a inch bigger than Gramp's I dont think his dumba** realizes that over 20 years the ground settles and shifts.

You have to talk to with your dad and if mom is alive and still semi sound of mind, ask her what her wishes are and record them so that when people try to say that you're lying, you have proof. Your dad is conflicted because no parent wants to see their children go at it, to the point that it gets physical and the police get involved. I really do hope that all works out for you and please keep us informed of how everything is turning out.

The ability to walk away after doing the best you hold YOURSELF to is very freeing. All that's left is the body. My husband's family blew up nearly 20 yrs. ago. To know in my heart I did what I could, and have no other available options to 'make' the others be happy & civilized in their OWN lives, has really enabled me to live once again. That's what Mom would want.

I have experienced family discord with police arriving at my house to yank my mother out of it because my sisters wanted her in an adult care home. Court battles and finally made a request to the judge all communication be made through writing letters. Do not put yourself in jeopardy as a family who gets physical will escalate to deadly force. You can also walk away and say your goodbyes before the death just in case there is arguing as to funeral arrangements. There is nothing to be gained by this hateful response.

Yes I agreewith last comment.Try aovid the troublemake and goon with funeralarrangement. Hire2 policeman to avoid domestic type problem. This will make your Dad sick with all thesetypeissue with loveone attiude. Show respect and love go on. There is one in family like to stir pot and keep up mess. Probably they are guilty.

Funeral for your Mom?

Not enough details for us to respond. Fight over what? The funeral arrangement? Who is going to ride in the hearse with mom? If it's about the funeral, then I'd do as pam said. Don't do a funeral. Just have your clergyman say a brief sermon just before they bury her. If your father was not torn, he should take the lead and do it HIS way. Since he's torn, then forget it. Each side will persuade him to their side.

If you must have a funeral, go to the police station and ask if you can hire 2 off-duty cops. Explain the situation. If they won't interfere with domestic violence, then cancel the funeral. If the cops can interfere, hire them, do the funeral. Announce in advance to family of this and that you have authorized the cops to escort anyone who cannot behave at the funeral and the burial. No Ifs, Ands or Buts. You misbehave, you will be escorted out.

After this, know who's the trouble maker in the family, and avoid them. Set up boundaries. Keep it simple. Because you may eventually have to go through this again when it's your father's turn.

No funeral. Donate the body to a medical school. No wake. No fights. Regrets are too late at this point. Walk away and forget about each other until you learn to act like civilized beings.

Who died?

Who was charged with assault? And why?

Separate funerals and visitations are for people who can't be trusted to behave like adults. Not to mention the expense of separate everything.