I love taking care of my mother with advanced Alzheimers, but today I am feeling very blue. Caregiving has been very rewarding because she was a wonderful wife and mother, but it is a very lonely and isolating experience. I will be turning 50 in a few weeks and feel as though my life is in major limbo. I gave up a career, life in a big city, and so much more to care for Mom.
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I have worked very hard in the past couple of years to get out and do things for myself, so that I am around other people so I don't feel so isolated. Luckily I have a mom who supports me in that, which is unlike many people in these threads. So I'd try to stay as active in your own life as possible...
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I definitely am right there with you. Caregiving for mom, coupled with my 60+ hour-per-week business (working from home) means I am in front of the computer for about 12-14 hours a day, with breaks only to make meals, let the dog out, and do the housework when I can. (And the housework sometimes takes a backseat to everything else, and I have to play catch-up the next day.)
I see my friends and family posting on Facebook all the time about how they went to see this or that movie and how good it was, that they took a group of friends out to the local pub for drinks and conversation (conversation...what's that??), a group of ladies went shopping and had a girls day out, etc. I am never asked to go with them, nor does anyone (not even my siblings) bother to ask if I could use a break. I have asked repeatedly for someone to just come and take Mom out for a ride or out to dinner - just to get her out of the house for a while, which would give BOTH of us a break - but they won't even do that. I get one week a year where I can go visit my son in another state, and that whole time, I'm worried about Mom, who is somewhat mobile, but is prone to falling and forgetting to take her meds or shower. When I went last year, I *begged* my siblings to check in with mom by stopping by - none of them did. (Her best friend came by several times, thank goodness, but that's not the point - her CHILDREN should have been here.) I arrived home to find she had not showered all week and had missed 3 days of meds. So now I'm reluctant to go this year, unless I can be sure someone will be here to check on her every day. She really cannot be alone for more than a few hours.
Some days, I feel so alone and lonely. People ask me if I will ever be interested in dating/marrying again - I have to laugh out loud at that. They've got to be kidding! Not to be morbid, but Mom is 73, and her mother and grandmother lived to be in their late 80's, so I have at least another 10-15 years of caregiving for Mom. Even if she gets to the point where she needs to be in a nursing home, I will be there for her every day. Dating and/or marrying is not anywhere in my near future. (I'm not really interested anyway - long story.)
I would love to just have a break sometimes, even if it's just one of my siblings taking mom out for a ride so I could have a couple of hours to myself just here at the house - I'd feel like that was a vacation! But they simply won't do it. There's always some excuse. But they can run their in-laws all over the place, take them everywhere with them, and do all sorts of things for them - just not for their mother. Some of that may relate back to our childhood...I don't know...I just know that they all act loving towards her when we meet for breakfast on Sundays at a local diner - but beyond that, it's like they don't want to know she exists. Other than the occasional phone call, they don't bother. I guess I should be thankful for that - it could be worse.
I, too, gave up everything I had and loved to move in with Mom when Dad became ill and passed away in 6 short months. I lived at the hospital with Dad, night and day, because he was losing his memory and the docs wouldn't get all the pertinent info they needed from him - until he became comatose and then I ran back and forth between home and the hospital with Mom, 120 miles round trip every day.
I had a beautiful (rented) home, which I had to give up when Dad passed away, meaning I had to sell all of my large furniture and possessions (quickly) - which meant I sold it all for a pittance of what I should have gotten for it.
Some days it seems this situation will never end, and indeed, I know that I am only at the beginning of what will likely be a very long road, if the ages of my grandmother & great-grandmother are any way to judge it. I keep hoping the feelings of resentment towards my siblings and the loneliness will get easier, but somehow, I don't think they will. :-/
SusanA43 - I wish I could give you a hug. I know what you are going through - you are not alone. There are many of us living in this universe of caregiving. Connecting with people on this site has really helped. Makes me feel like part of a community. Hang in there!
I think caregiving and loneliness go hand in hand.
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