How to you break the news to your Mom she's going into a nursing home?

Settling your mom in a nursing home is hard for both of you, I know. After getting my mom settled in the nursing home, I went home physically exhausted and literally sick. But it was the only way that made any sense.

As far as telling your mom, I have a feeling that even if she objects, she knows that her health is very bad and that she needs nursing care. I'd stress her health and safety and the need for professional care, telling her that you will still be there to visit, support her and be her advocate. Expect some grief when it happens, but I think that you can expect that her caregivers will learn to care about her and she them. After a couple of weeks it should get better. Tell her ahead of time about her possessions she can bring with which is so much better than a hospital.

Please keep us posted on how this goes for you.
Carol

It's a very difficult decision to put an elderly parent in a NH. My dad wound up in rehab after a fall and it was decided that he should stay in the NH. My heart broke for him. I used to reassure him that he would never go into a nursing home. I didn't consider that I wouldn't be able to care for him at home at some point.

Do you have siblings who can be there for support (yours and your mom's) when you talk to your mom about this? If so, get them in on talking to your mom about having to stay in the NH. It should be a family discussion.

Try to get the social worker from the NH to join your conversation. She can take some of the heat and it will help having a professional weigh in with her two cents. Our elderly parents tend to pay more attention to medical professionals than they do to us.

I'm sorry that you've had to make this decision. I know exactly how you feel. But be kind to yourself, you're doing what is best for your mom. There's no room for guilt. Once your mom is in a NH you will continue to be her advocate and be actively involved in her care. When our elderly parents go into a NH the caregiving doesn't end, it just gets different.

I'm sorry you're faced with this decision. Many people here have had to deal with this as well. I hope you continue to let us know how you're doing.

Okay, mom is released from the hospital Friday evening from the seizures she had in the rehab center. She is at the nursing home not even 24 hours, fell and broke her other hip. Was operated on yesterday. How much more can this poor little lady go through?

My mother landed in hospital after a really bad fall at 2 a.m. and it was evident that I could no longer care for her 24/7. She has Parkinsons, strokes and dementia. Desperate to get out of hospital she accepted going into the nursing home.

It's a hard decision for you and I expect you feel guilty but please don't. In a nursing home your mother will be well cred for, cleaned, fed and have supervision 24/7/365. Once she's settled in you can visit and enjoy each other's company s you once used to.

Eyerishlass your situation sounds so much like mine. I promised mom I'd keep her home and take care too, but just too much is happening with her now. I know she's going to be upset when she hears this information and will wait for someone to go alone with me for support. My sister isn't available today, but hopefully she will meet with me there tomorrow. Sometimes she upsets me with her I'm too busy attitude. I hope she adjusts, but I am doubtful. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for your support.

THanks Carol. I know my mom is a strong-willed person and felt like something else would happen with her, but the first day there. My goal was to put her on palliative care and no more therapy, but with the broken hip she must get some therapy again. I will keep you updated.

Our father was very opposed to going to a nursing home from conversations we had when he was well. He experienced a bad left hemisphere stroke in August and cannot speak or transfer himself from walker/ wheelchair to his bed. He has the condition Apraxia. He was in rehab but it seems there is no more improvement. He is in hospital but the family has not spoken to him yet about long term care because of fear of his reaction. (He can become quite aggressive and go into a deeper depression). Is there a way other professionals can gradually ease him into the idea without it being a total shock and emotional upheaval when
the time a bed becomes available? It's only my mom and I. I really cannot handle any more emotional upheavals. It's very emotional and upsetting.

My mother swore she would live in her own home until her dying day, but has been in a care facility for the past year.

It was the result of some medical incidents and cognitive decline that meant she required 24/7 supervision. I think it can come across better from a doctor than one of us "kids".

Nobody *wants* to live in a NH. But when your needs get to this point, it's no longer about what you want, but what will keep you safe, clean, fed, and medicated correctly. These kinds of crises can really hit a caregiver hard because it exposes topics we really aren't ready to handle. It exposes parent/child dynamics that were easily ignored before. It exposes a lot of things that are very difficult to handle without a lot of advance work and thinking.

With my mom, I didn't saddle her with "This is FOREVER!!!". When she wants to know when she can go home, I just say that when the doctor says she's well enough she can go. It's not a lie. She will actually never be that well again, but there's no reason to tell her that.

If you are afraid of your loved one's reaction, you can't hold yourself responsible or hostage to that. They may be mad, angry, violent, depressed, mean, moody, silent, hostile, and so on. You have to allow them to feel their feelings and not take it personally. Just expect it. If it doesn't end up like that, good for you! If it does, then join the rest of us. Change is hard. The only people who like change are banks and wet babies.

Change in inevitable. You have to be strong for your loved one who can't anymore. You have to buck up in front of them, and reassure them you are not abandoning them to the wolves. Don't make promises you don't know if you can keep. But, reassure them it's going to be OK. Commiserate that you don't like this choice either, that you'd rather things go back to when they were good. It's OK to say that kind of thing so they don't feel alone ih their feelings.

My mom would get all wrapped around the axle of what will happen to her things. Her things were more important than anything else! She was so worried about her winter coat and all her shoes. Where will her fake poinsettias go?
She focused her stress on that kind of detail. Others may focus on different details. Just be prepared with calm, reassuring statements.


But, mom/dad, to keep you safe, you're going to stay here in this place for a while. Everything is taken care of. You won't have to do anything yourself. We will move your things. You will have your clothes. I have taken care of all that. All you have to do is sit in the chair and go along for the ride.