I spent three days packing and moving Mom to a low-income eligible lovely IL/AL facility. No help from family despite my asking for help. I worked with a family friend who helped me with organizing everything, meetings, upfront fees, moving furniture and belongings. Mom was staying with my sister the night before our friend B was to take Mom over, do final paperwork, pay a few final fees, and show Mom around/get her settled.
I call to tell sister and Mom what will happen, B calls too. Sister gets all upset that B is "bringing her checkbook." Seems Mom spent two days complaining about B to sister. After sister hangs up on B, I talk to my BIL. He asks why B is paying for stuff, we don't need B, why didn't I ask family for help with finances. Family members who don't have money. I said to him that I told everyone the numbers, if they had questions, they should have asked.
I also told him that I need B. I've been left alone to figure it all out. B stepped up to help. Now Mom, who has taken from everyone all her life, suddenly doesn't want to be tied to B. BIL says he and sister will take Mom to the facility, do final paperwork, pay final fees. Will pay ongoing cost overruns Mom will have because she has never lived within her means. Wants B to butt out.
Now I am getting messages from BIL, who has been at the facility maybe 2 hours and has jumped into all the work B and I did and is being deluged with info. He is backtracking. I was just trying to get information, is all, he says. Mom and sister were just upset.
Now, he told me by phone he would cover her extra costs until the Va benefit kicks in. He told me to butt out. But now he's changing his tune.
I have had it. I want her out of my life. I told B we stand down. Let them have her. Let Mom have them.
I want to turn off phones and email and not answer them. I want to say "I don't know what to do about that." I cannot believe this is happening. I couldn't believe the takeover attempt. And now I cannot believe the backtracking.
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Why is this all so complicated?
Thankfully no one has a key to our house. Mom didn't have one - she took one with her the few times anyone but me took her anywhere. And I live 2 hours away from sis, too. So I'm not worried about that, thank goodness.
Pam, when you said move forward without them, I somehow thought me and Mom move forward without them. Now I see I can move forward without all 3 of them. Get my life back.
Worse case scenario? Mom will end up staying at sis' home. I hope your sis doesn't have a key to your home? I hope sis doesn't have the nerve to drop off your mom at your place (and not come back for her.) I've read that happening here on AC from some posters. As for your mom, karma.
I talked to my brother last night who BIL asked to help with money for Mom. The brother who slept on a sectional couch for 7 years because of our parents' selfishness. Who was one of 6 kids who were neglected, abused by neglect. That brother really wants to put mom on a budget - a no cable, no phone, go out and visit with people for your entertainment budget.
I am seeing a way forward and to freedom through this. Yes, Veronica, I do worry about her care. I don't want to. In a way, he has done me a favor, maybe. He's an arrogant SOB, but maybe Mom is getting what she deserves in dealing with my brother and sister.
Pam has it right move forward. you have been freed of all responsibility. Enjoy your freedom. Blessings
Now he is emailing that all he really wanted last night was just some information and oh, look, they got cable set-up today and talked to the house manager. Nothing about setting up the meal plan which B was going to do because Mom has no money until her next SS payment.
I cannot coordinate with the AL place during weekdays, so B was doing that. I cannot pay for extras, B was doing that. When BIL said Mom doesn't want you talking to B I said okay, I won't. But that means I cannot oversee her care anymore.
I guess he isn't clear that I took him seriously last night. I am tapped out. I quit.
Why can't I let it go?
I would say leave them to it. they wanted it, they got it. they can deal with it.
Mom has been taken to a safe place where she will be supervised. you and B have done your part. Kudos to the pair of you for a job well done. When the dust has settled you can visit but do not take any resonsibility. Let the phone go to voicemail and decide which if any emails to answer. send mom a nice card or flowers for Mother's Day but that's it.