Mom has dementia. Any advice?

Can you have a frank discussion with her doctor about how advanced her dementia is and what an ideal living situation would be for her? The hardest thing, I think, with elderly parents, is understanding that in a very real way, we are now in the driver's seat. We want to defer, we want to consult, to keep them happy. but the bottom line is, we need to make the best decisions for them. Short term, your mom is not going to be happy ANYWHERE. She's going to need to get used to whatever living situation you decide is right for her. She's going to be angry/annoyed at you for a couple of weeks and then she'll forget that she was ever upset.

Unfortunately, this behavior is par for the course with many dementia patients and so frustrating to deal with. I do understand your frustration. If the doctor took her drivers license away, there must be good reason for it; so it's good that is taken care of. It is so difficult to lose one's independence. It is good that you have a woman to take her out, drive her around and sit with her.

But, since she is not remembering any of this; perhaps it is time for assisted living or some form of elderly housing where there are others around for company and she could walk around the grounds, etc. and meet people. It doesn't appear that she would be content at your house,yet staying in her own home is too lonely and isolated. So, just a thought.

My parents ended up selling their home and moving into elderly housing; it was small; but manageable and they got by. There simply are concessions to be made during the aging process and some are not as bad as others. But all can work together to find some peace and contentment, hopefully. But, if her memory continues to deteriorate she might need a memory unit in a facility. These decisions are most difficult; so many of us have been there and understand. Take care and hope things work out for the best.

debbie, it sounds like your mother is getting more advanced in her dementia. One thing I've learned from my mother is that her reasoning is not good, so I have to use my judgment about what to do. I like to let her decide the things that are reasonable for her, but I make the other decisions. I have a feeling that no matter where your mother is she is not going to be happy. When someone has dementia, they know something is wrong, even if they deny it to other people. Often they look around for a reason, such as they aren't happy because they live in a certain place. But when they move, they aren't happy there, either, so want to go back. My mother does this even on trips. We go somewhere, and an hour later she wants to go home.

I have the feeling that your mother would make your home life very unhappy if she moves in with you. Maybe you can look around at assisted living communities. If you could sell her house, the money could be used to pay her rent. Some of the communities are very nice. Of course, she won't be happy for a while when she moves in. But it sounds like that would be a problem no matter where she lived. You may have to make the decision for her, knowing that you have her best interest in mind. There will be staff to help her keep things clean and to help with her medications. Meals will be prepared. It sounds like it may be just what she needs.

It isn't easy. I don't envy what you're facing. All these things pass, though, so choose what you think best. Much luck and big hugs to you. Many of us here know what you're going through.