Mom met a man in nursing home who is asking her to marry him. Any advice?

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Hugedoof Asked April 2014

Mom met a man in nursing home who is asking her to marry him. Any advice?

Mom is under guardianship. I am guardian. My mother is in the nursing home. Severe dementia. I have POA, I am her HCP, and I am her court appointed guardian. She has met this man in the nursing home whom she has known for three months. He is asking her to marry him. Each time I attempted to visit my mother, he steps in between us and he starts talking (babbling) nonsense about his life, his guns, who he has intimidated etc. My mother now "threatens" to marry him as a sort of spite to upset me. "I'll marry xxxx and foul up the Medicaid application and everything will go to him." That's fine. I really don't care about "everything" since I have my own wealth and finances. She has no insight into her condition. Most of her money has been spent down on private pay. (Went pretty fast at $15K/month). The problem is, the guardianship med sheet presented to the court said, "may enter into relationships with who she wants". I have talked to my attorney who says that my mother is a long way from getting married, she is under guardianship, cannot leave the facility without my permission, and would have to present her birth certificate along with Mr. xxxx and swear to a statement "of sound mind...." which is a lie even if she left the nursing home on her own. My attorney also said that a town clerk would be negligent if he/she issued the license without checking my mother's guardianship status, i.e., two 85+ year old people limping into the town hall etc. HESSCO (the local county nursing home ombudsman) also said that my mother cannot enter into "contracts" as the guardianship prevents this. I have filed a complaint with HESSCO saying that I can no longer visit my mother at the nursing home; I am visiting Mr. xxxx. I find this to be a form of abuse against my mother. HESSCO has set up a meeting with the nursing home social worker and the state ombudsman for next week. My concern is that my mother could slip out and get a marriage license. My attorney said we could file a case that contests the marriage on "incompetency grounds" if it were to go that far. Any insight?

Elder Law

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score 1 · Answer 1

Another angle you may want to consider in order to keep the peace. Many facilities will conduct joining ceremonies for those with dementia. The union is not recognized legally, but the two marrying do not know the difference and they are happy.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Perhaps the guardian laws may put you in the permission situation!

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score 1 · Answer 3

hugedoof I would like to hear the outcome. Keep us updated.

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score 0 · Answer 4

@daughterdeb: I did some research regarding marital grounds here in Massachusetts. Before 1987, the law said that "a person deemed an idiot, or lacking in mental capacity in any way may not enter into a marriage contract." That law has since been repealed. So any fool can tie the knot here in Mass. The burden of proof is now upon the "guardian" to say that the marriage is invalid and needs to be "annulled" as in annulled before the law and not in a religious sense. My mother has taken very ill lately, once again with the same group of symptoms that have been causing her to decline: congestive heart failure, afib, dementia, alzh., personality disorder. Now, she also has liver edema. I went to visit her at the hospital. She says "Mr. xxx is a wonderful man. He has lot's of money, and he's fun. Woe to someone who crosses him." She thinks he has a guardian, "but not a guardian". He has someone who has been appointed a conservator by the court. In Massachusetts, that means someone, anyone, without a criminal record that the court finds capable of handling a charges estate. The conservatorship happens when one has limited funds, lacks family who may be available to act as power of attorney, is assigned without a bond, and reports to the court. More often than not, a public defender will get the assignment. Ok. Sure. My mother can hold a conversation and but appears to have no sense of time, i.e., this conversation occurred three weeks ago vs. another statement that was just said a moment ago. She's being moved to "floor two" of the nursing home which is the dementia ward. I have a complaint in with the state nursing home ombudsman regarding this man; and a subsequent meeting with both the ombudsman and the nursing home LCSW. We'll see what happens.

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score 1 · Answer 5

I had a friend who had the reverse situation. Her father wasn't under guardianship but the lady he wanted to marry was and her children were all for the marriage. She had to talk to her father and explain that the Lady's children had control of the lady's money, assets and property. He could marry someone who could not legally sign to get married but her children could sign! Since more and likely he would die before her, the Lady would inherit as a wife, legally. She explained to him that he would have to pay for all his "new" wife's bills and care for her himself, as her husband. She told him to get a prenuptial contract made up where she was responsible solely for her expense, and that she would get a stipend "allowance" until his death with no inheritance. He did! Needless to say, the Lady's children would not sign the prenuptial

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score 2 · Answer 6

Hugedoof, I wonder if reversed psychology would work..... you tell your Mom that you are planning to hold a wedding for her, what kind of flowers would she like, who would be her Maid of Honor, bridesmaids, etc., That might stop her from using that as a button to push. And tell Romeo that he would need to pay for the wedding ;)

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score 1 · Answer 7

Doof, she will find another way to raise your dander. Sounds like Mom is a Master Manipulator and she knows where your buttons are. Steel your emotional reaction and try to be as deadpan as your attorney.

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score 1 · Answer 8

I've written her off. I have spoken to my attorney and have advised them both that if they do that, i.e., get married, here's the bill; best of luck. See ya. Actually, she was playing my wife like a fiddle. I told my wife not to "assist" my mother anymore. She has agreed and that's that. Thanks all.

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score 1 · Answer 9

Seriously, I'm remembering two situations here. One was my uncle, he and his wife were true simulates. Separated for 4 years during WW2, she insisted on caring for him alone far after she should have. Once in memory care he developed a "relationship: with a fellow patient. My aunt took this in stride as part of his dementia. I understand that very much the same situation occurred with Sandra Day O'Connor's husband.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Oops!! I don't think you have anything to worry about

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score 0 · Answer 11

Tell him gets the bills from now on... I don

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score 3 · Answer 12

I'm with Pam here; when he babbles and she threatens marriage, smile and go home, saying "I see your in good hands here, Mom, you don't need me to visit anymore".

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score 2 · Answer 13

Haha "enter into a relationship" is a polite way of saying they can have sex if they want to. No, she cannot get married. She is playing you like a fiddle, though, and saying she will marry him gets a big reaction so she will keep on doing it to prove she is in control. Tell her best of luck and where's the honeymoon, smile.

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score 0 · Answer 14

More concerned with abuse.

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score 1 · Answer 15

I believe that the statement in the guardianship papers should be taken at face value. She can enter any relationship she wants. She can have a relationship with this man. What she cannot do is enter into any legal contract (marriage is a legal contract) so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Angel

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score 0 · Answer 16

If she has severe dementia, any legal documents she signs will be void. I wouldn't worry too much about trying to prevent it. If it actually happens, get all the paperwork sorted to reverse it. Maybe point out to the new guy that since they both live in the same nursing home, they can see each all they want anyway, so what is the point of marrying?

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Mom met a man in nursing home who is asking her to marry him. Any advice?

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