Garden Iagreee with you and everyone else. Make her home comfortable. Those are her memories her security. My mom isx 90 and moved to Colorado to be with me, and sometimes she wonders why she did, she lives in her own apartment.But she has all her memories with her and piano, which she loves. You cant do that in assisted living or nursing home. Be with her and cherish every moment with her and put her on medical alert. My mom is on that. Do not sell the house. There is such a thing as comfort helpers that come to the house to help her. pami
Kaythecashier, you've summed it all up "in a nutshell". Her home is her mental life raft; take her away and she'll decline. For her, the mental and memory attachments are more important than tanglible things like the condition of the home.
This post has been very helpful to me as well because I'm also dealing with a somewhat similar situation, and after reading the answers here will approach my father's situation differently. I won't press for repairs as long as he's comfortable, but I will continue to ask if I can tidy up some areas just to make it safer for him.
We've put in place a network of help - LifeAlert, phone numbers of all the close neighbors, who also check in on him and bring him food. We're getting Meals on Wheels to supplement when I can't get over to his house.
Rosalia, I would refocus to see what you can do to make Mom comfortable in her house and just forget about selling.
So, thanks also from me for all this helpful input.
There can be many reasons for mom not wanting to sell. You have probably come to a point in your life where you have become the parent and she has become the child. But mom doesn't see it that way. Even if you're 80 and she is 100, you will still be her child. No one wants to be told what to do, especially by their children. You see her home as a rambling wreck but she sees it as her HOME. Even with the repairs needed and even if it's in a bad neighborhood. it's still her home. Her furniture, her comfort in the sameness and above all, her memories. Please don't become angry with her. Put yourself in her place. Also, leaving her home represents one step closer to the end of her life. (Assisted living, nursing home, cemetery.) Sit down with her and show her on paper the pros and cons of staying. Help her start pruning out the clutter. Listen to her reminisce (however many times she tells the same story) Work with her with patience and dignity. You will grow from the experience. You can do this.
MEMORIES and the fact she is comfortable in her HOME. If I was you I would take her outside with a clip board and write down what she wants done in the yard first. Then get it done. Then move on to the bathroom. Does it need to be changed to a handicapped bathroom? Then on to the bigger projects to repair or update the home so she can stay there with home health care. Just including her in the updates will make her more agreeable.
I agree with everyone. It is who she is and she feels safe there.you put her in assisted living and she will be scared. Remember they are children. Would you move your own child to assisted living. Enjoy what you have with her,because one day she wont be around. Move in with her or go over to her place quite and have fun with her. My mom moved to colorado to be with and help and she is my very best friend. Fix her place up and make memories. Help with her memory problem. Enjoy what you have with her and fix up her place. She has memories there and its her choice where she wants live and be safe.
Put yourself in her place...There's something very final about packing up your life (the house and everything in it) It's like giving up everything ---losing the last bit of control you have over your own life. The place she raised her family and loved her husband in. It's kind of like looking at your spouse when he's 80 (or what ever age) You would see a Grandpa looking person but she's still looking at the young "stud" she married when they were both young. The house is like that too. She doesn't see all the warts in it but is looking at the house the way it was way back when. Anything else would be too heart breaking to her. I'm not quite that age but moving toward that and thinking about moving. It may come some day and my kids talk about it but If I can die in the arms of all that's familiar to me that's my most fond wish. The place memories of a life time were created here. The good and the bad--but it's my life all wrapped up under one roof. I know where every stain came from--every squeek is and why---I can walk around this place that's old and beginning to show its age as I am my self --wearing a blindfold and could do it with no problem. Everything is familiar to me--even what looks ugly and old to you. You're asking her to give up her last bit of life she can control and the last memories --even if they are fading a bit. I don't know the best advice to give you darlin'---but tread lightly over the human heart. You've moved on and created your own life and your own memories but that house is your Mother's -- every old dilapidated square inch of it.
Sometimes, it's not only the parent that's reluctant to sell a home. An old, abandoned home and lot sit beautifully nestled in an increasingly affluent neighborhood by me. I've talked with the family who live out-of-state and just want to keep their mother/grandmother's property as is... They are hounded by developer's to sell this property, but money isn't the factor here... It's what they want to do and I applaud them for doing what's right for them. When I drive by this place that is hauntingly beautiful (most people wouldn't even know it's there), and I feel a beautiful sense of love and peace.
I notice you say your mom is dealing with dementia so I am going to give you another 'take' on all this, based on my similar situation. #1 Dementia brings on so many issues with memory, emotions and ability to cope....your Mom may, at times, see the need to do something, like moving, but her coping skills are based on NO CHANGES in her life right now. Her memory depends on things around her staying the SAME so she can find them and deal with them. #2 Dementia is going to perhaps bring on an inability to stay in the home without help coming in. If you are in the US, you may need to help her get qualified for Medicaid to help pay for care down the road....and the one thing you CAN spend her excess money on, is fixing up the home, since, with Medicaid, they may get paid back via the sale of the home at some point. With my parents, we had to early on, place my Dad. An example of how the dementia and change do NOT go together....there was a broken toilet and thus a flood in my parents home. The disruption of workers in and out, bathroom not working, fans running to dry up the moisture for a week long, flipped my dad over the edge and within a month of that experience, we had to move him to a facility. His brain could NOT cope with all the changes. When he could not use his usual bathroom, he started to be incontinent during the night because he couldn't find the other bathroom, even when I posted signs leading him to it. There was a fan standing outside that BR door running. His brain thought it was guard who wouldn't let him in, so he started peeing in funny places in the house. So see, your mom is resistant because she is safe in her home, she knows where things are, and she can still care for herself there. I would start, if you are local and can help her, by only talking about 'housecleaning a room' or sorting out things she does not need anymore with no reference to 'moving' for the time being. Doing some necessary repairs if she can afford them. Things that will be helping to get ready for a move, without clearly using that word. Perhaps, if you might be able to have her stay in the home, it's a good time to trial hiring a companion to come in and 'help' do some of these cleaning and sorting chores without being pushy or controlling about the aspects of her needing help or getting ready to move out? When there is not enough $$ for this, it's harder, but in the US, we have senior organizations who also provide volunteers to do some minor repair work too. They come an repair gates, haul off un wanted items, mow the grass, do weeds for my Mom....who is still home alone.
I wondered why my dad wouldn't sell his home and move to assisted living. Then I put myself in his place. He shared the home with my mom who passed away 7 years ago. The house needs so much work, but after all, it is his home. He's comfortable there. He's alone in a 2 story home that needs all kinds of work. If it were me, I wouldn't want to leave either, so I will do what it takes to keep him in his home. When the time comes that he has passed on and I must sell the house, I will worry about it then. Maybe sell it "as is" and specify that the buyer gets necessary permits. Yes, the house will sell for much less that if it were fixed up, but the main concern is my dad's happiness and emotional state now.
Change is so difficult for everyone & the only thing that is consistent in our life's. I would need so much more information to answer your question. I bless you & wish you the best. FYI, I am dealing with the same issue with a life long friend in another state. Her home is falling apart too & she is so resistant to fixing it up or selling it. All I can do for her is what I am telling you.
When I took my mom to see other places, NOTHING compared to her own home. There was far more space in hr own home. Frankly, I wouldn't want to move either.
Her home was filled with her own things, her memories of her life. The new places were poorly constructed with cheap materials and the spaces were tiny.
My mom refused to move, nicely. She was open to looking around, she liked having breakfast with groups of other people and listening to the speeches and taking the tours, but she never found a great place to move to.
BTW it was ultimately cheaper to keep her in her own home and to have repairs done and bring help in, than all the money it would have cost to move her to a facility for the elderly. Also, my mom had fun getting 3 estimates. She was fearless with repair men coming in to her home. They were always kind and if they didn't do a good job, she would insist they come back and fix it. It was the thing that kept her strong mentally and alive. It gave her energy to putter around her house and take care of the little things she could still do.
Just sharing an experience. I hope it helps in some way with another perspective.
As Senior Move Managers, we see this everyday. Your Mum's home, even if it is falling apart, defines her and who she is.
We have a saying, "familiarity breeds CONTENT!" If possible, work through the project in two stages at a relaxed pace. Select her favourite thing to take to the new place and leave time to listen to the stories as you pack!
Make several visits to the house to get any other items she may need. Let her know that she is in charge -- the one thing we want is to maintain is our independence for as long as we can.
Put yourself in her shoes and be as gentle as you can. This is a huge life decision and your Mum is not only giving up her home, but possibly her neighbourhood and friends too!
Its hard to let go of all the memories she has in her home. You have to ask yourself would you be willing to give up yours, to walk away from the one place that you felt safe no matter what condition it is in, its hers.
I agree,with the others of why. Also, she can be nervous about her future or change even though she "knows" where she is going. Her home is probably very comfortable and "safe" to her. I wish her and you the best :) Keep reassuring her without pushing her.
The emotions to keep a home get stronger over time. Our mom moved to assisted living and agreed to rent out her home, but did not want to sell it. It took $10,000 to make it presentable. First, move her to Assisted Living with her bed, favorite chair, table and lamp. Then tackle the empty house.
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This post has been very helpful to me as well because I'm also dealing with a somewhat similar situation, and after reading the answers here will approach my father's situation differently. I won't press for repairs as long as he's comfortable, but I will continue to ask if I can tidy up some areas just to make it safer for him.
We've put in place a network of help - LifeAlert, phone numbers of all the close neighbors, who also check in on him and bring him food. We're getting Meals on Wheels to supplement when I can't get over to his house.
Rosalia, I would refocus to see what you can do to make Mom comfortable in her house and just forget about selling.
So, thanks also from me for all this helpful input.
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Enjoy what you have with her and fix up her place. She has memories there and its her choice where she wants live and be safe.
I would need so much more information to answer your question. I bless you & wish you the best.
FYI, I am dealing with the same issue with a life long friend in another state. Her home is falling apart too & she is so resistant to fixing it up or selling it. All I can do for her is what I am telling you.
When I took my mom to see other places, NOTHING compared to her own home. There was far more space in hr own home. Frankly, I wouldn't want to move either.
Her home was filled with her own things, her memories of her life. The new places were poorly constructed with cheap materials and the spaces were tiny.
My mom refused to move, nicely. She was open to looking around, she liked having breakfast with groups of other people and listening to the speeches and taking the tours, but she never found a great place to move to.
BTW it was ultimately cheaper to keep her in her own home and to have repairs done and bring help in, than all the money it would have cost to move her to a facility for the elderly. Also, my mom had fun getting 3 estimates. She was fearless with repair men coming in to her home. They were always kind and if they didn't do a good job, she would insist they come back and fix it. It was the thing that kept her strong mentally and alive. It gave her energy to putter around her house and take care of the little things she could still do.
Just sharing an experience. I hope it helps in some way with another perspective.
We have a saying, "familiarity breeds CONTENT!" If possible, work through the project in two stages at a relaxed pace. Select her favourite thing to take to the new place and leave time to listen to the stories as you pack!
Make several visits to the house to get any other items she may need. Let her know that she is in charge -- the one thing we want is to maintain is our independence for as long as we can.
Put yourself in her shoes and be as gentle as you can. This is a huge life decision and your Mum is not only giving up her home, but possibly her neighbourhood and friends too!
Hugs for the journey...
She's stalling because she doesn't want to move or because the task of packing up everything is too daunting.
I don't know how long she's been there but if it's a significant amount of time she probably doesn't see how shabby the house is. That's her home.