My boyfriend lives with his Mom (89) with no real health issues other than she has some difficulty getting up and down. Causing problems, advice?

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debbie9999 Asked April 2014

My boyfriend lives with his Mom (89) with no real health issues other than she has some difficulty getting up and down. Causing problems, advice?

e. She is very self centered and controlling. He is her only son. He works 12 hr shift work so she is fine being left alone when he works. The problem is she wants him to be there every night when he is off. Im not welcome at her house because she is very jealous and only wants him to care for her. Our relationship is very stained over this. I would be happy to help but she won't allow it. We dont have much time together because of this. I dont understand why he cant just tell her that im important to him and that we will care for her. She is not a very pleasant person and never has been. She talks so mean to him. Is this normal? What do I do?

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score 1 · Answer 1

Thanks for all the replies. Its given me alot to think about. I dont feel important and only see this situation getting worse and requiring all his time when not working. She has been much nicer to him since he is there every night that he isn't working. She is getting her way and knows we cant have a relationship if we have no time together.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Here, you can read another thread that is very similar. Over 200 replies, so lots of reading and opinions on this one: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/maintain-a-relationship-with-a-caregiver-whos-father-rules-over-him-165831.htm

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score 1 · Answer 3

NORMAN BATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!

(Debbie, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at Pam's reference)

"Mother! My God! What have you done!?"

"I'm not even going to kill that fly."

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score 3 · Answer 4

Debbie; Do yourself a kind turn and go to counseling on your own.

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score 4 · Answer 5

If he is 53 and she is 89, he is a dyed-in-the-wool mama's boy and he will never change. Even after she dies he will stay in that house to keep her memory alive. Not as bad as Norman Bates, but close.

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score 2 · Answer 6

If he is 53 then she is maybe in her 80's? Yes, this is temporary, until she dies. She could go tomorrow or she could last for 20 years. I have never in my life (I'm 60) heard a story of a woman waiting for an elder to die that turned out well. (Watch Moonstruck). He is using his mother to fend you off. Find someone else.

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score 0 · Answer 7

He is 53 and moved in with her 7 years ago when she broke her hip. Yes I have asked him to set boundaries but he won't. I could offer so much help to relieve some of his stress but its not what mother wants. I have suggested counseling buthe has no time and thinks its unnecessary. This is destroying our relationship. We recently just got back together and he did better for a while but it's back to the same old ways. I was a priority for a while but not any longer.thanks for the advice. Im so torn and just want to help him.

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score 2 · Answer 8

Be careful about issuing an ultimatum unless you're prepared to lose him. If he knows how you feel already and he hasn't taken steps to amend the situation he's likely to pick his mommy over you.

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score 2 · Answer 9

People show us who they are.... you wishing for him to do something different, and him doing it is two different things.... I'm pretty sure ya'll have had this conversation.... so the fact that he is not at least seeking counseling to cut the apron strings speaks volumes.... give him a choice, and give him a reasonable amount of time... if he is that tied to her, it will not happen over night, if at all.... have another plan for yourself if he doesn't follow thru.... good luck.

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score 3 · Answer 10

So how old is your boyfriend? He's got to be in his 40-50s, right? If he's that old and he can't set up boundaries with his mom, chances are he won't start now because of you. If he's not willing to stand up to his mom to spend more time with you, then chances are he's not going to be a very good partner.

Or you could roll the dice and just wait out the mom. But you could be waiting years and years for that...

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score 0 · Answer 11

He says its temporary and I should be supportive and understanding.

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score 1 · Answer 12

No it's not normal.. Make him choose.. If it's his Mom he chooses then keep walking.. Take care of yourself.

And I would tell my own kids the same thing!!!

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My boyfriend lives with his Mom (89) with no real health issues other than she has some difficulty getting up and down. Causing problems, advice?

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