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Thedaughternlaw Asked April 2014

How do I proceed in getting help for my parents until I get my own house?

My mil has ALS and is getting worse and my fll has mobility issues. They live with my brother and sister n law who do nothing to help take care of them. I work and try to help out as much as I can. I take them to their appointments. I clean their house. I try to cook for them on the weekends, as I have my own family and house to take care of. I am beginning to think they need extra help. They don't like to throw anything away and I've been wanting to help her clean her bedroom but she won't have any part of it. He is stubborn and refuses to use his walker when out in public, only uses his cane. We are in the middle of buying a house and have let them know we want them to move in with us so we can take care of them. However, they own half the house with the other brother in law and don't want to leave. My fil is realizing they need the extra help as mil is having trouble cooking for themselves. I don't want to wait for something bad to happen before anything changes. I'm not really sure how to proceed to get them the help they need untill we can get our own house.(we rent). Can't have them move in here now. But they are stubborn and are in denial that they even need help. He is 86 and she is 82. They are not in poverty status but don't like to spend money. Sometimes they give me some cash for cleaning and cooking but not consistent. He just says when its time they will go in assisting living. They have no idea how that will and their house is paid for no big bills. I just don't know how to give him a reality check on how things are or what they can expect. I don't helping them, but we're struggling financially and I need to work too. Just could use some advice.

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daughterdeb Apr 2014
I just want to point out since you are the one taking them to the doctors YOU can arrange for them to have someone come in to the home through the doctor. You WON"T have to call Adult protective services. ...any decent caretaker will document things, and if necessary report it. YOU get ready for your home to become "handy" for your parents. I have a heart like yours and understand you want better for your parents. Tough love is exactly that in your current situation. Also get a home with TWO bathrooms and sizeable rooms.
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Rocknrobin Apr 2014
Stop mowing and taking care of a pool no one uses. Stop cleaning a house you don't live in. You sister in law probably loves it that you clean her house. She is benefiting from your good heart. You and spouse sound like you are enabling the whole situation. How the brother and sister in law can stand living with someone who doesn't bath regularly is beyond me. Call the Area Agency on Aging. They can put you in touch with a case manager who will come out and do an assessment of both parents. They may be entitled to a homemaker for a few hours a week. Look into Meals on Wheels. There are lots of options out there. Get started. I don't mean to sound harsh. It's easy for me being on the outside looking in, but this forum if full of that. We are here for you. You can do this.
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Thedaughternlaw Apr 2014
Mother in law is mobile and after reading your post everlishlash it does make me think maybe we are being hasty. Right heart I guess. The other family members are not going to help, because their kids can barely take care of themselves. It us and that's it. I'm going to print out all your answers everyone and let my husband read these things...
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Thedaughternlaw Apr 2014
I think I would start world war III if I called Adult Protective services. Husband works full time(nights) and he takes them to their appointments if I'm not available and he mows the yard and takes care of the pool, that no one uses. They were supposed to put their house up for sale because they feel they are stuck there. No one wants to buy the other out. But that's not happening. My husband just goes with the flow, because he knows his parents are stubborn. My sister in law works part time and is usually gone on the weekends. I guess I'm just appalled at how little they do. They just share a house, stay in their bedroom, no socializing with the parents. When they want to see other family they go somewhere else, avoiding the parents the opportunity to visit with other family members. Not a good situation at all.
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Eyerishlass Apr 2014
If your in-laws don't want help or won't acknowledge that they need help there's nothing you can do about that. You can keep chipping away at them but there's a fine line there and you may spoil your chance to be helpful later if you get on their last nerve trying to get them to accept help.

Moving them both in with you may sound good but you can't know what caring for 2 people at the same time is like. Caring for 1 person can break a caregiver much less caring for 2. Especially with no help. I would think very long and hard about this.

I don't think your in-laws would be candidates for assisted living. In AL the residents have to be mobile. A walker is OK. Is your MIL mobile? And AL is just a stepping stone to a NH. You may get everything packed up and arranged and moved and then have to do it all again in a month if your FIL takes a tumble and injures himself. AL may not accept them if they need this much help.

Advice? Don't move the in-laws in with you. Have a family meeting to begin discussions on what to do for them. Don't include them in your family meeting just yet. The meeting will help everyone figure out who's willing to do what and when and what everyone needs in order to take the in-laws on. Home health aides? More family members pitching in? Alternative living arrangements for them?

Also remember that at their age they are going to decline steadily. Anyone who becomes responsible for caring for the both of them at the same time will have an almost impossible task ahead of them.
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Thedaughternlaw Apr 2014
Thank you for your answer. I guess I am enabling. I just don't like to see them live in such filth because no one is cleaning. Their bathroom gets a good scrub down at least every two weeks and clean up every week. They can't see and smell for some reason. My father n law smelled like urine last week when i took them to their dr. appt. He is saying it must be his aftershave. He doesn't shower often only sponge baths. I get he goes a whole month without showering or washing his hair. No one manages their medications except FIL who was not giving her all her meds. I think he hides from me what he really takes. They haven't asked to order his refills in awhile. They don't eat healthy and she is sick of cooking. I was going to ask them to see if their insurance would cover and care-taking, but I guess that would be pointless because "they don't need it"
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timbuktu Apr 2014
Do not take these folks into you home on a permanent basis without having POA and MPOA. You may also have to call Adult Protective Services to see how well they are being cared for now. If who they are living with now is also sick they may not be physically able to care for them. Who is in charge of their assets? Also you can't just check into a nursing home like it is a hotel.You really need to keep asking questions on this site. I feel for you . You are about to enter another world in taking care of the elderly.Again, if these are your inlaws where IS your husband in all of this?
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daughterdeb Apr 2014
STOP the cleaning and cooking!! Visit and talk with them only!! Continue taking them to the doctors. Move into your new home. Set your new home up to accommodate your parents. THEN ask them to spend a holiday weekend with you. Slowly they will adjust to a new surrounding. Tell your brother it will give him a free weekend with his own family. This also gives you both time to reestablish KNOWING each other in a extended family home. Be an option not a free home health aide. As long as you are doing what you are doing now, they ARE able to say to you, "We will just go to a Nursing home when the time comes". It is their choice but there may come a time when an agency is called in due to the current situation and you want to be ready emotionally and financially just in case. You are enabling them (brother and parents) right now. STOP!
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Thedaughternlaw Apr 2014
My husband works full time second shift. We don't have the POA only the brother who they live with who does nothing. I've been watching the site for about 6 months. We quit our jobs and Michigan and moved down here to take care of them. Only to get a we don't any help response. My husband found a full time job and I only work part time. The wages if Florida really suck!! We did so much better in Michigan. The brother who they live with has just finished Chemo therapy and his wife refuses to do anything, even clean her own d**n house. Pathetic!!. I do balance their check book every month for them and keep my own register as my mother n law don't write half the stuff down. He has no clue how to take care of this.
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timbuktu Apr 2014
Don't move them in with you. 2 people with different mental and medical issues will be to much for one person. Where is your husband in all of this? Are these his parents? Who has the POA and MPOA? If you don't know what that means you really need to come to this site and start asking a lot of questions. There are some very experienced caregivers on this site with lots of helpful information.Caring for someone isn't just about their physical or mental needs.You also start to get involved in financial issues which is a whole other story. Please come to this site and start asking a lot of questions and educate yourself on this before you get in over your head. Good Luck!
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