Narcissistic "only child" daughter cut me off forever for no known reason. Any advice?

As soon as you said you spoiled her the little lightbulb over my head went on. I did the exact same thing with my daughter. She was a little Sweetie growing up and I would constantly bring her to the mall in Seattle buying her the latest in fashions etc. I bought her a new car at 16 then paid her way through college. While she was in her last year of college her mother and I got divorced. I caught her with another man and that was that. I moved to Florida to be closer to my parents. This all happened 12 years ago. I heard from my daughter 3 or 4 times the first year and nothing since. I have tried numerous times over the year to find her or her mother. I still get teary eyed when I think about her but what can I do. I had no choice but to accept it and move on with my life. I started going back to church on a regular basis was baptised and have continued to strengthen my faith. I am not a fanatic or a bible thumper. What I am is a good Chistian with some pretty great values. It is one of the many things I have done to move on but my faith has helped more than I could have imagined. There is definitely something that isn't part of being a good parent and that is spoiling the fruit.

I see your post is 3 years old so you may not see this reply. I know what your going through as I have a 31 year old daughter who I too raised with love and support, she was an only child like your daughter. She was a good girl and I had non of the usual growing up problems. I know I spoilt her but I loved her she was my life. The problems started when I said no to her or expressed an option and she would fly into a rage. Things got much worse when she had her 2 children who she treats too harshly. I have to 'walk on eggshells' around her. She is very abusive and manipulative. She lacks any empathy and like your daughter she only wants you in her life for what she hpcan gain. Nothing is ever enough and if you try to stop the abuse or try to defend yourself like I did she will freeze you out. She has cut off all her family 26 of us and is now cutting off her husbands family by refusing to attend 2 of her brother in laws weddings. She is always right. It's a complete nightmare so I know what your going through. I have researched online and my daughter meets all the criteria for a full blown narcissist. I have done nothing wrong. She treats me like she hates me. I have not seen her for 3 months even though I have apologies for all the imaginary lies she caused me of for the sake of my 2,grandchildren who I love and they love me. But what can I do? I suggest you join a support group in your area they will help you with mental health issues and you should be able to trace a mental health group from your doctors surgery. This is the time for you to totally concentrate on self soothing as you have gone through an ordeal. I will try once again to make peace with my daughter but if she continues to treat me badly then I know I must walk away for my own health and well being and I suggest you do the same. This is not your fault and it wrong and unfair you were a good mum we have just been unlucky. Perhaps, an earlier break up has traumatised our daughters but we did our best and they don't care how much they hurt us in fact they know what their doing and they love the drama. I'm sending you love and hugs and hope you found a way to heal your wounds. Expect nothing from your daughter, I'm sorry but I know my daughter will never change. I have a husband to think about and after 60 difficult years I want some happiness. Good luck to you

LuvC, I think moving to the senior living complex you mentioned is definitely worth finding out about in detail. Go and visit it, as a first step - resolve to do that at the earliest opportunity. See if you like it, and take it from there. After all, if you do decide to move - there or anywhere else - you will surely be able to leave contact details so that if people need to find you in future they can. It does sound as if you need people around you. Make a start on that as soon as you can. Good luck.

LuvCosmos I'm also agnostic and it can be annoying when people of faith try to share that faith with us. But it comes from an honest place with most folks. I wish I had the faith that many do, but I don't and feel fine without it.

I second the comments that encourage you to get out and create your "new" family of friends. I have one brother, a 94 year old mother and two cousins I'm in contact with. That's it for family. But I've developed a network of friends, some pretty close, some more casual that get me through. I've had an ongoing medical problem for the past two weeks and it's been gratifying to have my friends regularly check in with me about how I'm doing. More than my brother has, LOL. So get out and meeIt some new people. I have met lots of good women friends through meetupdotcom. It's a way to find activities in your area to participate in.

I also strongly believe in the power of volunteering - whether it's at an animal shelter, a food pantry, a garden park...whatever floats your boat. Nothing feels better than helping others. When your world gets bigger through new friends and experiences, you won't feel so alone and depressed.

LuvCosmos, I know you are hurting, and bitter experience has left you expecting to be hurt more, so almost anything someone says to try to help might sound mean but probably isn't meant to be.

I had to learn that there were things I would never get from my family of origin. I could either spend my life and energy trying to make them the family they would never be or I could find what I needed to feel a sense of belonging and support in other places. Church choirs, Kiwanis, friends and neighbors, online support groups and listservs - I like this place but I still miss the old listservs, I'll tell you what. And FaceBook has gotten me connected with relatives I'd not seen or heard form in years. The biggest reason my family was not that for me was their tendency to cut relationships off if ANYTHING went wrong or led to any disagreement, and avoid shows of affection, so I make a point to be tolerant and see the good side of people as much as I can, and though I'll never be normally huggy and gregarious, I try to be, though it still seems artificial and awkward for me.

I understand the pain - I once thought my daughter had cut ME off, but it turned out she had just got busy and had some passwrods hijacked and had not been on email or FB for a bit. God that was awful. I had no idea what I'd done or not done, and was relieved to find out it wasn' t me. In your daughter's case, with bipolar, there's no telling. But Kiwanis, Rotary, a Tai Chi Group, and animal rescue league, darn near anything you can get into with some shared interests will start to fill some of the holes in your heart where a family is supposed to be, and the other people there start to go from being friends to being a second family after a long while with them. Don't wait for your family to be a family again for you to be happy again, it sounds like its not gonna happen that way!

LovCosmos, I realize that last comment was directed at one sentence in the closing paragraph of my lengthy (and, believe me, carefully thought out) post. I wasn't trying to preach, but to respond in a meaningful way. We have all taken time to read your statements and respond in an attempt to help, but so far several of us have been criticized for making helpful suggestions, hinting that perhaps you contributed to your problem, and now preaching. I'm sorry that you are taking our suggestions so negatively, but I hope you are able to find a resolution to your unhappy situation and some peace in this life. Moving on...

P.S. I DO have too much time to think, and believe me, I have done as much introspection (rigorously honest) that its possible for a person to do. I'm not happy with choices I've made in my life, but I continue to be everyone's scapegoat.

Thanks all, for your comments. In answer to Countrymouse, my family is spread apart by hundreds or thousands of miles, and each has chosen to be alienated from the rest of them for different, personal (their own unique) reasons.
No I am not religious anymore. I was married to a preacher for 12 years who was a hidden alcoholic and then a drug user. I have recently studied evolution and am happy being an agnostic. I have spirituality but I battle depression because of my family estrangements. Family is very important to me but its not important to my family. Make sense? Please don't preach to me.

Change the things you can. Not your daughter, not your father. Seek your own happiness with your dog and the other folks you live with. Your brightest moments will be when you connect with neighbors. Ask your counselor how to move forward by setting aside the things you cannot change.

LuvCosmos, I have to agree with the others who have posted so far. In every relationship every person involved is imperfect. That includes you and me, not just my controlling mother or your ungrateful daughter. I can't count the number of times that my response to my mother's behavior has been less than helpful or compassionate even when she deserved to be set straight. In Mom's case as well as your daughter's, what each of us thought was a suitable response (whether written, spoken or acted out) obviously did not work and never will. Each of us needs to examine our own behavior to see where WE might have been controlling/overreaching/harsh/whiny/self-centered or just plain WRONG in how we are dealing with the relationship.

I have a friend (V) who for years has been going through a similar situation as yours---different circumstances, but same insurmountable wall between her and her daughter & young grandson. V is a very nice person, loving and helpful, likes to give hugs, but she can also be very annoying and intrusive. If I feel this from my casual contact with her I can imagine that her daughter, who like yours has severe emotional problems and is very immature, must have felt like the only way to avoid Mom's unwanted interference was to cut her off. It's not that V was necessarily doing anything wrong, but given her daughter's personality disorder, it was enough to alienate them.

You say you have a big heart, which I believe you do, but step back and analyze how a bi-polar person with no apparent emotional attachment might react to your heartfelt attempts at reconciliation. You are not dealing with an emotionally healthy individual and it's obvious from your comments that you yourself are not emotionally well. If the only thing that is keeping you from suicide is caring for your beloved pet, that is not enough. You will probably outlive your dog and then what? As much as we love our family, friends and pets, we cannot pin our hopes and reason for living on any of them. We are so blessed to have them and they do give meaning to life, even those who don't appreciate us, but in the end we must be able to be alone with ourselves and still find life worth living. I am not saying this flippantly. Just the thought of one of my children treating me the way you have been and never being able to see my grandchild is devastating.

I don't know if you are religious, but I believe we are all beloved children of a Heavenly Father who allows us to experience adversity to become spiritually stronger and more loving & compassionate. Regardless of your beliefs, suicide is never a solution, but an end to any possibility of a solution. Please reach out for help even if it means moving from your home in the woods. You can't deal with this hurt alone and you deserve to be loved and treasured.

I think the answers are very insightful and offer a perspective that's hard to achieve in the situation you're in. We're seeing the situation from the outside, not as a family member but still with compassion and sympathy.

I debated writing this as I most certainly don't want to hurt you, but I do think that your daughter has been enabled in her offensive and distant behavior. You state that despite your financial situation you have still helped her, yet she continued to maintain a barrier between the two of you.

Unfortunately, I think she's discovered she can manipulate and control the situation. You'll need to accept this and back off, or she'll continue to control the relationship.

Look also at your description of your daughter - great amounts of sympathy from you despite her treatment of you.

I think you'll find much more reward by getting out and joining social groups that don't focus on the issues at hand. Join a book club, gardening club, volunteer at a local hospital...something that takes your mind off your daughter and suicide.

Have you tried to get medical help (such as psychiatric or therapeutic help) for your thoughts of suicide?

I think it would help to first accept the estrangement from your daughter, based on her actions, then decide how you want to live your life given that fact. I can understand it is extremely difficult, but your post suggests you're miserable, and that's no way to live. Find joy in your life without your daughter, and best wishes in your quest to escape a depressing situation.
I would

LuvC, shakingdustoff isn't criticising you. She's suggesting - I assume it's a she - that you reflect on how you view your relationship with the people you care about it, and maybe try looking at things from others' perspective; for example, by changing "I" to "she" and imagining that you are someone else reading your own posts. I think it's a helpful suggestion: looking at things from a different viewpoint sometimes helps us see things we'd never noticed before that can then change how we deal with things.

I don't want to frighten or upset you, I just want to understand - so bear with me while I ask you this. Now then. Your daughter, your father, your husband, your brother are all estranged from you. Why? Please believe me, I am NOT making any assumptions here that the reasons are on your side; I'm genuinely asking you to explain how it's come about.

The big point is, that you have lots of time to change your life. You are only 62. You say your daughter has "cut you off forever" but forever is only a word that can be true for the past.

It worries me that you found a support network specific to your situation too painful to participate in. Normally, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, isn't it? I agree that estrangement from one's children is a terrible thing for any parent to contemplate or think about, the sadness is dreadful; but was there more to it than that? What I'm wondering is if there are truths you're not ready to face; and if just maybe those are some of the things you need to grapple with to change your situation.

Please say more. Life doesn't have to look so bleak.

PS I agree with rocknrobin, too. Do reach out.

We do the best we can as parents, but sometimes the result isn't what we expect. You can't make your daughter be something she isn't Make an effort and let her know she is and son in law are always. Beyond that, there isn't much else to do. But I will say you're alone with your thoughts far too much. Run, don't walk to the nearest senior housing apartment that excepts pets. You sound like a people person and the friendships you form there will be priceless. You need to be around people your age and start living the life God gave you. That dog needs you too. Bless your heart. You can do this.

P.S. I realize this topic is shameful and also full of stigma.

Shakingdustoff; my father won't let me in the retirement community, which has security gates, he is so paranoid. He has caregivers. His son is inheriting his condo, and controls him and makes him hate me. He would never allow me in to take care of him. If you would just read my posts about Long Distance Daughter, you would understand that its impossible to force myself as caregiver on someone who doesn't want it and already has people in his life.

As far as saying "I" too much, I have written long hand letters all my life to relatives and friends and picked up that habit that way. Not sure why you are criticizing this so I'm not marking your posts as helpful. You sound mean.