My mother (with Alzheimers) placed my father (with early dementia) in an ALF without consulting with any of the four children. She is not visiting regularly, doesn't return calls from the ALF, isn't seeing that his needs are met and she has aligned herself with other individuals who are likely to take advantage of her. We want to ensure the best longterm care for both of them. We wonder if she even had the legal right to place him there. In home assistance would have been a better decision at this stage.
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The disability laws of 1992 make it so...
If the father/husband is in an ALF, then the mother/wife should be in one too,
they both need help, you know the old adage what is good for the goose is good for the gander? too bad she can't see that right now.
We ended up with a mess (siblings, jerky POA's) but are coasting at the present with our 87 year old who still enjoys being home.
Either way they both need help and so does your family
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Several years ago while they were visiting, we got a phone call that her aunt/ my great aunt passed away at 97. Her frail husband had died a few years earlier. While we were all digesting this news, my mother began telling me that she didn't think her aunt missed Uncle ____ and she didn't think "i'll miss Daddy when he dies". I cannot believe how everything is always all about her! I could see her doing this to my father and she is the one who needs to be locked up! But their interwoven, co dependent relationship and the fact that they have the money to be bossy about what they want to do (they threaten removing anyone who crosses them with writing them out of the will! After 3 threats, I told them I never want one dime of theirs and I am disowning MYSELF and to leave me alone. My husband backed this up with my dad and thankfully we are living in peace and quiet now!). But my siblings are feeding into this disaster. They live on acreage in a huge house and I can just imagine the nightmare to come. It is also very difficult to get a fairly large group of siblings to agree on anything. They seem to want to run the show and they can have it!
I'm wondering how your mom got your dad to go into the facility. He had to have gone willingly.
But let's say that your family decides that he shouldn't be there. Or a lawyer decides he shouldn't be there. What's next for him? He can't go home because your mom is unwilling to care for him. The AL may be the best place for him.
I think that your best bet at this point is to consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law, who can advise you about legality of what has happened, and also suggest what options are open to you now. One of those options might be guardianship.
You may know what is truly best for each of your parents, but how much and what you can do about it is a legal question, which you should get competent legal advice about.