Alcoholism and 90 yrs old- down the road again. Any advice?

Thank you all for your kind words. @shakingdustoff- I wish I could get her to an AA meeting but she won't budge from her apartment complex. She only leaves if I pick her up for family gatherings or a doctor appointment. She refuses to go out in PUBLIC to a store or restaurant. She doesn't want "people" seeing her use a walker- and it took several falls and injury to her knees to agree to use one. She refuses an electric scooter or to use the motorized carts at the grocery store and refuses to use the Facilities Handicap Bus service to ANYWHERE SHE WANTS TO GO! Her facility is complete- like an expensive hotel with several "living rooms" with large TV's and cozy couches and chairs, a huge library, laundry rooms, hair salon, and 4 outdoor patios, a massive dining room where they serve 3 meals a day and have a snack counter with goodies available all day and night. Emergency care on site with emergency buttons inside the rooms. She has a nice size one bedroom, one bath with living room and her own balcony on the second floor. It's gated and all inclusive and frankly; mom has always been a bit snobbish and vain and self centered as "money buys" ... and it seems the older she gets the more exaggerated her negative traits are emerging. But she's mom and the only one I have. She has dug her heals in on this one... when sis and I refused to buy- she called her granddaughter who declined and then a son-in-law who also declined because- he reminded her- at Easter she made a formal family announcement she quit drinking and that she made a new lease on life. He has known my mom for 68 years- since he was born- and he told me he had never heard her talk so "nasty" about everyone and thing. So now that she got the "no" from everyone; she called me today and asked for her bank statement and told me I am cut off. Called my sister and told her to not bother coming to fix her hair and that "she was cut off". So we both told her that makes us sad that she doesn't want our help, we could care less about her money (and that's the truth as she has always been selfish with money anyway & if you even take a money gift- you will have it held over your head!) and then I told her I will set up her monthly expenses on auto pay and you can take the Medical Bus to the bank, store, or whatever. I Reminded her I love her. Nothing else I can do. And again- thank you all for listening. Sometimes we caregivers just need to spout!! ARGH!! I told my daughter to remind me of this time in my life if I EVER treat her like this. And good grief- mother's day is around the corner. ARGH!!

My mom is an alcoholic too. She is on dialysis also. She won't stop. She has never had any consequences due to her drinking. Since she has health issues she can't go cold turkey it would trigger huge withdrawls. She drinks a lot! I don't buy it for her. She knows when I go to the store she goes with me so she can buy it. . I don't bring it into the house. I don't help her with it at all. I've told her if you fall from being so drunk I will call an ambulance and let you deal with your addiction.

No way should you feel guilty, no way should you buy alcohol for her.
If she starts screaming change the subject, or walk away.

As far as assisted living- her cognitive skills are too good- I can't do anything against her will. Shes an alcoholic- unsteady is age appropriate. She uses a walker. Shes still witty and has a memory like an elephant. Her senior apt is completely enclosed, 3 meals a day, housekeeping service, bingo, cards- lots of activities. Shes well off financially so she is paying for top notch facility. Sis and I are just being good dtrs- we buy her the sweets she enjoys and just monitor her shower by being available. Sis is a retired hairstylist so she does her hair. We both live close so wr visit every dat. This problem is pure alcoholism related. She was so pleasant at Easter- we picked her up and took her to a family gathering and she openly talked about her problem and how good she felt. Its just hard when she was screaming at me "holding her hostage" by default of her expressed inability to buy her own and "YOU took it away" and no reminding her of it was her decision was heard. Ugh!

She quit on her own about a week after the dr told her- she had another blackout that scared her. She admitted her problem so she quit by her own epiphany about a month ago- she was taking some meds the doctor gave her for sleep and blood pressure which I monitored with a blood pressure cuff- she told everyone how good she was feeling and was glad she quit. What changed was her arthritis in her knee flared up because of a cold weather system that moved thru- shes always been so healthy so aging is an inconvenience and i do understand . she has always dealt with problems or aches and pains via alcohol- sorry to leave out such an important fact! I reassured her this will pass- its a bump in the road and my sis and I will help her thru it- she told us to stay away and a few other choice rude things. I know you are right- its so hard. I just needed reassurance and reminder we are doing the right thing!

Not any experince with this personally, but thinking about what is done when the person has addiction to other substances -- the patient is either removed from the drug(s), or the drug(s) are removed from the patient. In your mother's case, her living situation makes that impossible, since it's so easy for her to have access. I think, if you want her to get and stay sober, she'd need a living situation which would provide the oversight and ensure that she wouldn't have access to alcohol.

I also forgot to ask if you believe she is safe living alone? I've been of the opinion you can't take liquor away from a person who is an alcoholic. Her drinking behaviors seem to be a result of some type of depression, i.e., in that she used to just drink at night, then afternoon, then morning. It's not whether or not your should supply the alcohol, it's whether or not she needs to be in a nursing home and/or some sort of other living arrangement.

She may be fine physically, but is she in the throes of some type of dementia?

What did the doctor recommend as to the 'alcoholism'? Did he test her cognitively?

Since your mom is addicted to alcohol I see no good reason for you to buy it for her. As you said, it's taking it's toll on her body and while she may be as healthy as a 50-year-old today the alcohol will eventually ravage her because of her age and infirmities. Do you want to give her something that will make her black out? Do you want to supply her with something that will make her fall? Do you want to supply her with something that causes dizziness? Of course you don't. So don't. If she were on medication that had all of these side effects you'd stop giving it to her, wouldn't you? This is the same thing.

Your sister has the right idea by not contributing to your mom's alcoholism. However, once you take her booze away she is still an alcoholic with all the behaviors and manipulations that go along with the disease of alcoholism. Taking away the alcohol doesn't cure the disease.