My 85-year-old mother now has her 59-year-old daughter and my sister 28-year-old son and 32-year-old wife living with her all are broke and over the past 17 years, they have spent all of my mothers money and left my mom in debt. My sister is working a minimum-wage job and contributes some her son and daughter in law pay zero. They have no car either. They do nothing for my mom while living in her house and tell her what to do and don't come out of their room except to feed or leave. The other day while we were on the phone talking my mother asked her grandson where are you going... his response was NONE of your business. I said to my mom tell him to get the F out.... My mom says if I say anything to my sister, she will be mean to her. I have asked my mom to come live with me but now again says she can't sell her house cause. They have so much crap in it and don't want to leave them in her house. How can I talk to my sister and make her understand this is not right? I've tried, and my sister tells me that my mom is crazy this is not happening that she has always taken care of her since our father passed away... The only taking care of my sister, and her family has done is SPEND all of my Mothers money if that is what my sister is really taking about... I am ready to blow here ,, I tried to move her before my sister loss, her house and her dead-beat son moved in but now. What am I to do. My mom would not move and didn't want to come and told me I could not leave my sister behind. However, I refuse to have my sister here because she lives like a horder. What to do my mom is so unhappy crying and complaining all day I feel horrible all the time... But refuse to have the extended family with me to and finance them too. We are talking about my mother having over 500K in the bank the last 17 years with all of her debt paid and even her house, and now she is 70K in debt, and my mom thinks she has done good. She gets SS which she could have lived on and still have money in the bank my sister says no way... Are you kidding me, I'm an accountant, My mom paid for all of their expenses, cars she purchased for them education trips, etc.. What am I going to do? My mom is miserable, and I can't control anything I feel without getting into a fight... She is living out her final years in h*ll I feel.
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Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol
I do however know more than a little about feeling powerless over the actions and poor decisions of my elderly parents. Hopefully you will find help for your Mom but if she gave out that money willingly and with a sound mind then it was her choice, I don't know what can be done. It is also her choice who she allows to live with her. I REALLY hope you can find help with this. The people on this forum will help with that. Meanwhile try to protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed with this situation. Love your Mom and do what you can to let her feel loved (I know...you probably already do that :). Emotional support and love are things you CAN do and it sounds like she really needs it.
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My solution would be to consult attorney with elder law experience and get the ball rolling. Open new account for mom where all her money is direct deposited. Move mom to your home; only supervised visitation with rest of the family. Give sis and kids 60 days notice to clear out, then evict if necessary. Sell the home, put proceeds into special account designated to pay down moms debt and or her future care expenses. Organize some care or in home help to help offset your new responsibilities. If necessary, mom could declare bancruptsy at her age she shouldn't need future credit.
All this will take a lot of patience, but keep focused on the light at end of the tunnel for everyone. SIs is taking advantage of her mom even though her perception is that she is offering companionship and being around in case of emergency--but constantly getting money from mom is inexcusable.
Good luck.
So let your mom have some peace. In her situation, she deserves it. Stay out of it.
I would contact an attorney immediately. Look to liquidate her assets and document using what she has left for her care, and pray I can make it last as close to 5 years as possible. I would look to make sure I can cut mom's access to giving away funds. Else all the help mom has provided sis and grandson will bite her as a penalty period for Medicaid once she needs it.