anonymous225547 Asked May 2014

How to remove my Mom and brother out of home without involving Adult Protective Services?

After taking care of my entire family off and on my entire life, 31 yrs, and since my dad passed 4 yrs ago, I have been sole 24/7 caregiver to both. My mom has multiple problems including multiple strokes, TIA's, heart attacks, diabetes, fibromyalgia, neuropathy, lupus, arthritis, Ehlers Danlos, mental illnesses and more. My brother has cerebral palsy and is 44, quadriplegic, mental age more of 12, mental issues majorly including severe anger issues. Both of them have physically and emotionally abused me many times, so bad to where cops had to get involved. I have permanent back and hip injuries due to the abuse. After dealing with this for 4 yrs, and all of my childhood from my mother, I have decided I am done and want to move on with my life. Originally, my mom agreed to go into a home on May 15th and agreed to have my brother placed into a home. However, now she has decided to do none of that. I have POA on my mom but not on my brother. This must happen by June 5th, as my boyfriend's family has already booked my plane ticket for their family reunion at end of June, and I must go. This was booked back when my move out date was May 1st. But my mom wants to make sure that my life is continued as a prisoner to this house as their caretaker. She doesn't care what I want nor what I deserve. I want to make sure they go to a place that they would be happy at and not some horrible home Adult Protective Services sends them to. How can I do this on this short of notice without involving Adult Protective Services? Please help me! I can't take any more of this abuse and threats and everything else they do to me. I truly feel like the only family I have is my boyfriend. That I no longer have an actual family, I feel all I am to them is their slave! Please help me!

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The other way to look at it is if APS puts them somewhere that they hate, they may be a lot more open to you helping them get into a better place after a few months. Let them see how it is without your help. Then they'll be a lot more appreciative of what you've done for them so far - and you've done a LOT.

You're an angel and it's just too bad your family dynamic doesn't reflect how much you've done for your mom and brother. Come back here often, we get it. And you'll find a LOT of support from us. You're a wonderful daughter and sister and you have every right to have a happy life of your own.

You don't control whether your mother or brother will be happy, only they can do that for themselves. You're not superwoman. You're just a loving daughter and sister and that is more than enough!

Helpful Answer (18)

Need help ASAP, I'm on part of the same curve as you are on. I've been reaching out for help on this forum from time to time over the last two years. At the beginning I was so confused I just went ahead on where-ever there was general agreement as to how to proceed in my situation. No action solved all problems, But by almost blindly following the advice it began a journey out of co-dependency and into some control over my life. In my case I'm still caring for my Mum - but I have support from my Brother and Sister-In-Law and my Sister is not allowed to visit without my Brother present. This journey could not have been accomplished without a radical first step - that my brain was programmed NOT to take. I was supposed to be miserable and serving 24/7 as some duty disguised as love. Actually everyone had willingly given over their responsibility to me and I was carrying it all around. When this happens NO ONE willingly wants their responsibility back! They will fight to remain in the same advantageous position - as it serves them. But it is not good or anyone's soul or spirit - to take advantage of another. You must make some courageous acts to change the pattern - at the beginning it will feel wrong - as its against your programming - the world and a healthy journey to self-worth are awaiting you to make hard choices. But be aware things sometimes to not get better right away - sometimes they get worse before they get better - don't be discouraged by this. All the best to you, you have done a wonderful job - you are a good person - now its time to factor yourself into the picture and included your needs in what is good for everyone.

Helpful Answer (18)

First, why do you believe that APS would send them to a horrible home? Second, have you got a placement for them both? This has clearly gone on for too long. Does brother have a social worker or case manager from the agency that provides services? If not, I would call the county department of aging and of disability to get case management in place asap. You might consider hiring a geriatric care manager to manage both of your family members' cases so that you can get on with your life. You seem to be viewing this as a black and white issue, which in itself is a symptom of burnout. Make those phone calls today and stop feeling guilty!

Helpful Answer (14)

Needhelp, you seem to be very clear about what you owe your family. Less so about what they owe you?

Feeling like you're stuck in a prison with your mother as the warden (and your brother as the slightly scary person in the upper bunk, don't tell me) would make sense because you are also institutionalised, in that you seem to feel you belong there. Otherwise, why aren't you angry? Me, I'd be angry. People who haven't been emotionally injured by the kind of abuse you've absorbed will be thinking "LOSE them!"

But, I can see, you do care. It is not unusual for people to continue to love abusers, so I don't doubt that you do genuinely love both your mother and your brother. Nothing will stop you doing those things even when you are not physically providing them with services. But what you're talking about is sacrificing yourself to their needs, and the worst of that is? It won't make any difference to them. It'll bugger up your life, but it won't improve theirs. Not one bit.

Ba8alou, Pam Stegman and Blannie have suggested much kinder ways of thinking about this than I have, and their advice is practical and good. PLEASE take it. I would be so happy to think that your travel dates are confirmed and your mother and your brother are both booked in to good quality, long-term placements. Now, get yourself to a place of safety. When you look back ten years from now, you'll cry with relief that you did.

Helpful Answer (12)

You have done more than your share and it is time to get on with your life. Let your brother's social worker know you are out of the picture effective June 5th. The caseworker can decide how to move forward with them. Do not answer phone calls from your mother or brother after June 5th. Our counselor said to step back and make mom deal with the consequences of her own bad decisions. If you want to check on them, do it through an intermediary such as the social worker or a family friend or neighbor. Step back, because any contact you have will be extremely manipulative on their part. Mom will announce her imminent death (hooey!) and demand you return. Don't buy the guilt card, keep moving on.

Helpful Answer (11)

Great posts here - Countrymouse is right on target - there are longterm issues here - even if you wanted to do so, you could not possibly care for them in the years ahead with their worsening health problems! The safest way to go if you love them (and I know you do) is to get them placed and it seems that they will not listen to reality, so having APS involved may convince them that they had better listen to you. After all, we are to love our neighbors AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. This reasonable balance is crucial in human relationships. You can actually be of greater service to them by taking care of yourself, being strong and having a good life. From strength you will be able to watch over them - you won't be helping anyone by driving yourself into an early grave.

Helpful Answer (6)

I have to tell you what I just had to tell hubby. After all the nasty telephone calls, he sat there and said, “But they just do not understand - I love my mom, I love my mom.” I told him it feels bad right now, but that I am so proud to see that he is trying to love himself. Lord knows I know he loves his mom and have emotional scars as proof.

So I am here saying to you, Love Yourself As Well.

Helpful Answer (6)

The officer that came last night is doing whatever she can to get him out of the house asap. He decided to call cops again today over a VERBAL disagreement! Cops have basically torn him a new one and told him everything he needed to hear. It feels so good to finally have cops and APS finally on my side. For so long, they would believe the makeup stories this person that's supposedly my brother tells them. Now they r finally believing me and doing everything they can to help Mr. Hopefully he's out within a week. Cause I can't take even being in my own house. I never in my life want to live in that house after all of the bad memories him n my mom have created and caused. Thanks everyone!

Helpful Answer (5)

Needhelpasap if you don't stop immersing yourself in the waves of guilt over your Mom and brother, you will never move forward in your life. You will always find an excuse why you need to be there for them. Why? Because you have been basically programmed by them for years! Reprogramming yourself takes time, and you will need to go cold turkey for awhile where the are concern. From what I'm reading they haven't been very caring in regards to your well being or needs, and now it's time to save yourself. Let Adult Protective Services do what needs to be done to place them. You say you don't want your Mom and brother to be unhappy where they are placed, but think long and hard on that statement! They aren't going to be happy anywhere they are placed. Do it for them, because if they physically harm you, as you say they have already, then you might just be the one Adult Protective Services has to rescue. Let it go! Actually what you're doing is loving them more than you realize.

Helpful Answer (4)

Needshelp;-Please-excuse-the-dashes-my-keyboard-spacebar-is-non-functional.-I-am-so-happy-that-you-have-shared-your-situation-very-honestly-here,-and-I-so-agree-with-all-that-has-been-said.-I-can-only-add-that-you-are-assuming-APS-places-are-all-nightmare-placements.-As-an-MSW-who-worked-with-the-elderly-at-the-beginning-of-my-social-work-career-I-will-say-that-some-private-pay-residences-are-nightmares-also.-Do-not-assume-the-worst;-get-a-list-from-the-social-worker-as-well-as-a-checklist-for-what-you-should-be-looking-for-in-an-adult-placement;-take-a-day-and-tour-facilities.-Because-you-have-been-in-this-position-in-your-family-all-of-your-life-I-urge-you-to-get-counseling-support-for-yourself.-You-both-need-and-deserve-that-to-break-the-unhealthy-patterns-of-interaction-within-your-family-relationships.-There-has-been-from-what-I-read-in-your-post,-a-cycle-of-abuse-that-must-be-broken,-and-some-much-needed-healing-in-order-for-you-to-truly-move-on-and-enjoy-the-life-everyone-here-unanimously-agrees-you-are-so-deserving-of!-Lastly-do-not-expect-either-your-mother-or-your-brother-to-be-reasonable-at-this-juncture;-they-absolutely-are-not-going-to-be,-and-as-other-wise-supporters-here-have-said-,you-cannot-change-that.-Forge-ahead-and-use-social-services-,from-what-you-have-shared,-that-will-be-your-only-recousre-for-making-this-happen.Lastly,-because-you-have-suffered-physical-and-mental-abuse-in-the-past-I-strongly-encourage-you-to-let-social-services-know-this,-and-leave-your-home-until-they-can-be-moved.-No-doubt-as-the-reality-of-you-moving-on-becomes-clear-they-will-be-angry-and-I-am-very-concerned-for-your-safety.

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How to remove my Mom and brother out of home without involving Adult Protective Services?

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