My Mom recieved a 10 day comply or quit for bullying. What do I do?

My great aunt (not the blithe one, this is the one who liked Ibsen) moved to Mass. to be near her daughter at the age of eighty or so; she had also retained her 'central casting' German accent.

She was welcomed with open arms at her ALF at first; but since she had the political leanings of Rosa Luxembourg and saw no reason ever either to compromise or to keep silent… I was proud of her integrity, but I did often idly wish to be a fly on the wall there.

But Moni being elbowed out of activities like that is different, and mean, and snide. Please let us know the context.

Again I agree with IsntEasy on this one, "But, keep in mind that, like school, if she's kicked out of multiple communities, you're going to have a harder and harder time placing her". it is better to address and try to correct an issue, than try to run, move or start over cause we all know until something gets resolved, it will follow you no matter where you go, and who knows what resources may or may not be available if or when it comes around again. The question at this point Moni would be, (concerning the ACCUSATIONS) is this type of behavior in or out of her character? In either case, in or out, have her examined by her physical and mental health Dr's. If this is not her personality then a very real chance of a serious medical issue, if it is her personality and/or has had a trigger that made this behavior more than usual, that to can be treated and life a bit easier for all concerned. Frustrations, fears, anxieties, and overwhelming emotions can cause a lot of damage if left unchecked. Ismiami also stated "but even if she remains in the group, you cannot make the others like her". But properly treated, can become more bearable. I don't mean any offence or insensitivity when I also tell you that old saying, "you cant by love"; may be true or not but there are services and/or individuals that can be hired to be a friend, buddy or companion and divert the focus to healthier beneficial activities that would prove to be far less stress full considering her heart condition, if it is a case of just needing a buddy. If I may be honest here, sometimes there is also truth in that saying, when we meet that reflection in the mirror and see something we don't like through another person, a reflection of our own self, that is the time both sides of the parties involved examine their own hearts and do some "house" cleaning ( my experience in relation to the writing I posted regarding my 92 yr. old neighbor. I don't know his part, but my part is seeing the false accusations I had done in my past and felt the hurt it may have caused, and by becoming aware of this what I had done, I was able to name it, confess it and now set it free, and doing so it feels like another part of myself is free to, and is so AWESOME the feeling...) and anyway, what a huge opportunity to invoke the POWER of prayer and witness a miracle of TRUE healing take place! Lots to consider and very few options so again I lift you up for strength, hope, grace and remember, Blessed IS the Peace maker... p.s. I do hope you check in on that other lady as well and after consideration don't be so quick to dismiss the group either. Ask questions, gather information to make a right choice because YOU are OF Sound Mind, Wisdom and Grace!... Be safe, well and provided for...

I live in an over 55 community. Some of the people here are extremely mean. I am horrified at times they way they treat each other. I have made it very well known that I don't like that behavior and don't talk about others in front of me. They don't. See if there are others in her community who feel the same way I do. Direct her to that group. Accompany her. If you can work out the problems where she is at, and not move her again, it will be better for her emotionally. Moving is very stressful for us old folks. Projects that she likes to do on her own might give her a purpose also.

If you are stating this is an eviction notice in public housing, contact your mom's caseworker immediately. Disabled people cannot be simply booted into the street, proper accommodations must be arranged.

I sense a certain amount of prejudice here. I would find another organization that needs help, preferably one with a more cosmopolitan attitude. And I would have some daily feedback on how things went, both from mom and co-workers.

My heart goes out to you and lift you up for peace, strength and hope. We all want the best for our loved ones. I didn't see anything pertaining to being kicked out of a home or residence, but mostly about a community. Community - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Community


A community is a social unit of any size that shares common values. Although embodied or face-to-face communities are usually small, larger or more extended ...
This is about a group that has been involved in this social setting before your Mom joined in, and as with any social group, including this one, ©2014 AgingCare, LLC All rights reserved, when you join, you accept the terms and conditions. If you don't comply, you don't get to participate, and that old saying, "you will have rules to follow no matter where you go". It sounds like if this place is so stress full for her, then why would she want to be there in the first place? I agree with Candy, she really needs a buddy. If this is an issue concerning a residence, don't take it lightly or who to blame. If haven't already done so, make an appointment with her Dr. for physical and also with mental health, make sure she has proper medications if needed. Just cause you get older does not mean your body stops going through hormones or chemical imbalances. I also agree with IsntEasy, "talk with the director" they cared in the first place, that's why they are there, and they will work with you to help your Mom... PS... If it is the other "lady" mentioned, look into that as well, find out if there has been any reports and raise those flags, cause if it is a bully situation, no matter who it is that is doing it, it has to be put in check! It could be a medical issue for her just as well and sometimes these things manifest in such a way to bring attention to it that would otherwise be left unattended, and who knows, you could be saving a life... Best wishes...

Moni, there is some good advice in this thread, but it really would be helpful if you could provide more details about where Mom lives and who issued the warning.

Moni – as you're realizing by the responses you're getting, residents behaving one way with family and quite another with staff and fellow residents is not at all uncommon. I'm not saying that's what's happening with your mom, just that you should assume that the staff who are reporting these incidents are telling the truth, just as you are assuming that your mom is telling the truth. And, understand that your mom is describing her feelings where the staff are describing their observations.
The fact that your mom was bumped from a trip is kind of a red flag for me. It may have meant that they would have needed extra staff to supervise her if she went along and they didn't have it available.
If your mom is in a private pay facility, I promise you that they do not want to lose a resident over behavior issues. Residents are paying customers. They probably tried many strategies to modify your mom's behavior before taking the drastic step of a warning that they plan to evict her. Unless you want your mom to move, sit down with the director and work with them to devise a plan to help your mom get along better with her neighbors.
Also consider that maybe a move is not the worst thing. She may find a better 'clique' at a new community. I've seen it happen. ALs and SNFs are a lot like high school and maybe your mom has fallen into the trap of courting "mean girls" to try to be included : ) But, keep in mind that, like school, if she's kicked out of multiple communities, you're going to have a harder and harder time placing her and may need to consider a dementia unit.

I would try sending in a spy as well to check how she behaves when you are not around. I had a friend who's dad seemed all sweetness and light and who had been bounced 3 times from facilites .As a mental health professional , I went in to check up. Turns out he was tripping old ladies with his cane and spiting a people in the dining room and saying just awful things to anyone within earshot !!!!!!! He really belonged in a dementia unit rather than a AL facility...and that is where he went. No more problems.

Hi, Moni
This sounds like a very sad situation for your mom, but I agree with Countymouse. We really do need more information about where your mom lives and if this a certain program that is not being accepting. How far away do you live? What diagnosis does your mom have? Is the facility or program trying to kick her out? Please send more info...Thanks

Verbal Ethnicity can be misinterpreted. I sent a "spy" to see what exactly was happening. She was sweet to me but when I wasn't there she was non-compliant & fresh. Maybe offer to accompany her once or twice but stay in the background. Perhaps a group of like ethnic people..German club, church group. She probably needs a "buddy"

Moni, could you add some details about where your mother is living - I don't mean her address! - but is this an ALF that has issued the notice, or what? What are the sanctions attached, exactly? What sort of neighbourhood does she live in, city, small town, rural? I don't understand the circumstances.

But meanwhile - your poor mother! Ouch. It sounds as if she has been victimised by a group of vicious closed-minded old hags.

Help her find another social set, a fresh start, maybe somewhere she fits in better and away from this other lady you suspect.

You could try talking to the organizer, but even if she remains in the group, you cannot make the others like her. These are not moldable children, elders can be extremely set in their ways.