Is it normal to have an arguments with your parent when taking care of them and getting inpatient?

Oh, you guys! I feel you all! My dad will ask for help to find something. When I find it in an obvious place, he brightens up & thanks me. Then, he hides MY things to get even w/ me, as he is always the one to find them in a place I previously looked. I think, " Well, that's what I get for helping him! Ahhh! No good deed goes unpunished!" I want my Dad back. I miss him. We were so close...always. I feel like I've been mourning his loss for the past 2 years. But, he needs me & I love him. All I have is love, love, love.... It's keeps me going. blou

A great thanks to all of you for answering my post all of you have good advice and some of you have it way more stressful than I do I should be grateful but sometimes it's just that nagging that gets me and goes on on, tells me how to do the dishes etc Some days I just start crying.

kthln - I'm in that "bath boat" this morning with Mom. She does shower at least once a week, sometimes twice, but lately, she's been digging in her heels and not wanting to shower again. I try to get her to shower every other day, but for the past couple of weeks, she's been resisting it no matter what I do. I just asked her again why she won't shower and her response surprised me - "Because I'm just LAZY, ok?!? I'll do it later, I just want to sit here now." Well, that's a new one. I asked if I should call home health care and have them come in and help and she said no, she'll do it - later (which means sometime in the next 24 hours - MAYBE).

Time to put on my headphones and try to ignore the smell. :-( Oh wait..she just got up and went into the bathroom and asked where the new bars of soap are (I already put one in the shower yesterday) - miracle of miracles! Maybe the silent treatment, heavy sigh and putting on my headphones got the message across. I guess I can only hope.

overwelm, so much of this is beyond your control and that's what makes caregiving so hard. My dad (94) hasn't taken a full body shower in over a YEAR and cajoling, talking calmly, etc., does no good either, even with different family members. pamstegman, THANKS MUCHO for the tip about giving a Benadryl! Never thought of that and that might work.

The hardest thing for me, and I have to work on it every day, is not dwell on these stubborn refusals towards hygiene, going out, etc. You can also call a home care service to have someone come in to help with bathing/showering but in my case with dad it only backfired; dad dug in his heels and got belligerent.

Sneakinoh I so relate to your situation my dad does the same thing. He won't shower shave has to ask me how to take his meds always tells me someone took his clothes. Always has his clothes in inside out and backwards and b*tches when you tell him. Doesn't make it to the bathroom on time and it's getting worse on that subject and I have the worse smell reflex that I almost puck I am also considering on placing him into a dementia home the only time I get away is every other week for 6 hours as that is the only thing the VA pays for and I'm on a fixed income and can't afford to hire someone for more hours away.

Over whelm yes he does have dementia and he's getting worse every day don't know how much longer I can care for him.

Geez...how familiar this sounds. It is a constant battle over everything in my house. Baths, hair washing, medicine, eating, you name it we battle over it and I wind up angry and frustrated beyond all reason. If I say it's time for a sponge bath (because she will not get in the tub) she "feels sick". If I'm making dinner she's hungry NOW, feed me! If I ask if she's hungry the answer is no and then 15 minutes to a half hour later she accuses me of starving her. She can't use a walker because it's "too hard" but then falls down. She says her meds make her sick but then wants more to ease the sickness. Questions what time do I get my next meds...every 15 minutes. Says she can't remember but when I tell her something happened she says no it didn't because she doesn't remember it. I tried interviewing companies to come in during the day when I'm at work and she throws them out. But then says she's lonely and wants someone to sit with her during the day. It just goes on and on and on. Always accusing me being mean to her and trying to "get rid" of her. And then turns around and says she doesn't know what she would do without me. I have had to leave the house and go for a drive just to maintain my cool. But sometimes I do flare up at her and then feel guilty for it. I have seriously considered putting her in a nursing home just because she will not comply with anything I ask of her. I always feel like she is "playing" me.

Well since I have been getting into arguments with my mother since I was seven, for me it would be normal. And if she ever said that she was sorry about something, I might have a heart attack from pure shock.
Happens all the time in the nursing homes and believe me, the staff doesn't have time to waste, so they just shove them into the shower whether they want it or not (which is what I remind my mother when she talks about how great living in a nursing home would be!)

I guess walking away and gathering your thoughts is best ,but some times the arguments are unavoidable.Crying is normal .So is apologizing.Until next time..
This will re-occur, so just hang in there and do what you can to get her to do her cares.I had patients who always said no when asked to take a shower or a bath no matter what the circumstances..a battle of wills occurred over and over.Sometimes I won sometimes not so much..I learned to just go with the flow and "test the water" before even asking..good luck and hang in there

My sister has issues with my Dad along these lines, she is with him the majority of the time (I am with him when I can as my husband is 100% disabled as well). I don't seem to have the same issues with my Dad, yeah sure he gets angry and irritated..but I just cannot let it interfere with the fact that he doesn't have that much time left on this planet, every day I get to spend with him is precious. I will take whatever time I get and make it all ok.

Oh that is horrible Cryingeyes So sorry to hear that he is being mean to you and your family. Does he have dementia?

I have the same problem I'm always arguing with my dad about something or another. I get so angry at him and don't know how to deal with it. I have taking care of my 76 year old dad for almost 7 years and it's getting real bad he's getting mean accuses my 4 year old grandson that he stole money his cell phone etc and has told my single daughter if 2 that she is not a good mother with that I flew off the handle had to walk away I was so mad and people just tell me he don't know what he's doing or saying I call BS on that because after my daughter left he started in on me about my daughter and that was an hour or so later.

Thanks everyone your all a great help I really appreciate all your input especially the Benadryl lol

This is sneaky, but give her a Benadryl (diphenhydramine) an hour before the shower. Or a sip of wine. Your pick.

Hey my Mom just accused me of taking her pocketbook and putting clothes in the draw that belong to someone else. She's pissed at me.. So I found pocketbook told her clothes belong to her and walked away before I said something I will regret!!

We're all in the same boat...LOL

We all feel the way you do.. These things need to get done, often leading to anxiety for both of you..

You need to give up the guilt trip and KNOW you are caring for your Mom the best you can..

Be grateful you got "I'm sorry" from Mom, most of here never get one..

Hugs to you!! Keep loving and respecting her she needs your support..