What do you do when your parent won't stop using you?

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smilebeth Asked May 2014

What do you do when your parent won't stop using you?

Hi,
You all have been so helpful I hoped to get your input on this. I was my dad's caregiver for 5 years he refused to hire anyone b/c he would have to pay them (state funds he gets) and not use it for other things so of course after working all day and taking care of him at night I burned out. My life has moved forward I'm married and live 2 hours away. Problem is he still is using me b/c he hasn't been able to find anyone he likes to hire. I've put up ads at the university, website, and he still only has his morning gal. He won't hire an agency b/c he was "screwed" by the last one. Plus with the state program he's in control of who he hires and fires but he loses part of the $ if he doesn't have anyone to pay. He glosses things over with his case worker. He hates being told what to do. he's 59 spinal cord injury lives in a rental. All I hear is how he needs exercise and his body hurts and yet he shoots my ideas down for physical therapy b/c they don't do anything for him. His van is falling apart but he gets a loan for $5000 (don't know how) and uses it to loan to his sister for a business venture. The other part of the problem is he pays for my brothers house that was his mom's who passed away and left it to my brother 3 girls and one on the way, but my brother can't get a mortgage b/c of his credit. My dad can't put in his name b/c he's on Medicaid. I told my father when I got engaged 2 years ago that he'd have to stop paying me - we are still doing this song and dance b/c he hasn't hired anyone- everyone either quits or doesn't show up - my brother still won't make the mortgage payment b/c he's mad at dad over things. My problem is I see it from my dads view and yet I don't like being in this position. My step son will be going to college next year and I'm concerned about my income amount. He can use his mom's income but i still don't like this position. My dad doesn't like to play by the rules and we had a strained relationship prior to this b/c of how he handles things. I know i'm being used and i don't like it. He tells me how greatful he is. He thinks its ok to buy guns and other things he never could when he was younger and didn't have $ but now he can't use them but wants them but can't buy them b/c there is a domestic abuse charge on him back when he was married to my mom, so he wants to use my name to buy the guns for him. I don't want to see him loose his funding but I don't want to get in trouble either. Suggestions?

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score 0 · Answer 1

I have been to a therapist and caregiving class and it helped a lot. like I said I used to go out every night to help him. I had to cut back to two nights. and continue to set boundaries with him. Then I had to stop. I want to have a relationship with him but he uses a person up and then acts like its your fault. I did tell him 2 years ago to stop and he had 60days. Then it was oh shoot can't you for alittle longer b/c i'll loose it and haven't found anyone to hire. I have learned to help where I can. I guess I just have this soft spot for some reason. I appreciate all your comments and will move forward with setting another boundary with him. of course this means he won't be able to help my brother with the mortgage so my brother and 4 kids will not have a place to live and I know its not my fault. it just gives me a headache. I've told my dad he needs to get rid of the house. Its falling apart. My dad thinks that somehow he can fix it himself. I feel for him b/c before his accident he was handy. He gets mad my brother doesn't want to fix it up b/c he said he would. My dad likes to live in two world on before accident and one after. If my brothers and I would just do everything he says he would be ok. He has good points on things but then he veers way off. I'm going to have to wash my hands of it all. I try to do everything above board and he likes to sneak. Government is watching. I don't like it. it bothers me. thanks everyone.

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score 1 · Answer 2

You have your family and that's your big priority. Declarative sentences here - "Dad, I can do this and this and this for you. It is not possible for me to this and this and this". Set a deadline when the changes will occur and that he will need to make other care arrangements. Yes, he will be upset and yes, there will be drama. But it's ok to say no to unreasonable demands. You can do this.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Of course you are not selfish. You know that. But even "joking" claims from a parent can have an impact. It is great you have your husband's support. If that (and out encouragement) is not enough to overcome years of programming, schedule a few sessions with a therapist to get you through the first hardest NOs.

I hope you can do this without resorting to calling his case worker, but do what you have to do and always keep that in mind as an option.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Please for the love of all that is holy DO NOT buy guns in your name for him to have. This is a LEGAL NIGHTMARE and you could be at fault if he goes, in his diminished state, and shoots someone.

Aside from that issue, I agree with the others. "No" is a complete sentence. You have taught him over time that it's ok to use you. Now is the time to put your foot down and mean it. He is making bad financial decision (the loan for example) and it is not your problem to help him out of the hole he has dug. If he were a good father, willing to change his behavior, willing to work on his issues, willing to talk about change maybe I would say different but this is a no-brainer. You are still a good daugher, in fact you are a better daughter, when you say no.

Angel

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score 0 · Answer 5

Thanks! I know it to be true and what you say goes off in my own head. I think what would I tell someone else- exactly what you are saying. He is able to blur things so that I feel bad- see his point of view and walk away thinking what?. I have made boundaries and stood up to him the past. I'll just have to do it again. I've thought of telling him it stops and if it doesn't I will call his caseworker. My husband supports me on this. I guess I just needed to bounce it off of others here b/c you know what its like to be givers and where the line is. Yea he didn't wake up and think that when I was caregiving all the time. Now he tells me how selfish I was "joking" to get married and cook for my now family and the least I could have done was have grandkids for him. I'm 36 first time married with 2 wonderful step sons. I helped my mom raise my youngest brother (11 years difference) and waited to have my life then went and tired to help my dad for 5 years. but I'm selfish. lol

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score 0 · Answer 6

The answer is very simple as viewed from the outside: Stop allowing yourself to be used. I know that emotionally that is far from simple. But if you don't want to be used there is no other choice. He certainly isn't going to wake up some morning and think, "Hey, I've been using my sweet caring daughter. Starting today I'm not going to do that anymore."

If you want things to change you have to be the one to change.

Sorry.

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score 2 · Answer 7

You have no option here except to say no. Your father is putting you in a most unfair position by asking you to accept possible prosecution for his benefit. You have to elevate your own needs to at least as high as his. You do not owe him what he is asking. Shame on him for even asking. It will be hard to do the first time or two, but tell him no and no again for as long as it takes. You don't want to be caught up in his conspiracy to defraud and deceive. It could get you in trouble.

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What do you do when your parent won't stop using you?

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