Who has advice for this?

Chicago, doesn't it just! - seem like they're doing it on purpose. I can sometimes get over my irritation by saying to myself "I expect she's doing it to annoy you…" - the improbability makes me giggle and that bursts the bubble.

It often seems like they irritate you on purpose, doesn't it? You have tried to help her. You have done a wonderful job, but it is time that you let go and let your mom get skilled nursing care in a home. Actually, my mom got much better, there. I don't know of anyone there that takes an hour to eat. The patients just seem to conform to the routine.

Take care of #1, and that is you.

Dear Sandy, The yelling isn't helping.You've already said it yourself. It's just raising your blood pressure and could in fact be adding to the physical problems you already suffer.
I don't know your situation but perhaps these suggestions will help:
Mealtime:If there is a television in her room why not watch a program or movie you like while you feed her.It helps kill the time between spoonfuls and sips.You'd be doing what you need to for her and relieving the stress you feel.
I don't think she's eating slowly on purpose.The elderly have a hard time with foods.Some have no teeth or few teeth, some don't make enough saliva to swallow comfortably etc. Try giving her smaller spoonfuls with sips of liquid between bites.You may find feeding goes faster as she can more easily manage the mouthfuls.
You anger: I manage my anger by throwing glass into a trash can.The sound of it breaking relives my stress when all else fails.
Your trigger finger:VERY painful! As you are unable to have it surgically remedied at this time there are stretching and bending self-help tutorials as well as simple massage techniques that you can learn on you tube that may provide some relief.
PS.try not get angry at your mother's aid.Don't forget she probably has stress of her own and providing care to the elderly doesn't pay as well as you might think.Most of the money you shell out goes to the agency who provides the service.

My dad can still feed himself when you put the food in front of him, but it takes forever... I feel for you .And we go out to eat he wont leave the table until everything is gone.. I have already had them put his drink in a to go cup, packed up leftovers, and he will still stall because the jelly packs are on the table! But we still go because Mom and we like to eat out. We order for him and cut his food up.. but I hate to spend 2 hours watching him eating 1/2 a sandwitch and a cup of soup!

i live in Northern California and Medical (states version of medicaid) has a program for the elderly, blind or disabled that helps to pay for caregivers. The caregiver can be a family member. It's not a lot, but it helps especially if your parent's income is low enough or if they are deemed dangerous to themselves or others they can qualify for 24 hour care. They will also pay for respite care in a nursing home. Just looking into your options and taking the steps to fill out the paperwork makes you feel like you are being pro-active about your situation. Good luck!

I agree with Pam..you are beyond burned out. I suspect the all caps may be the mood you are in as well??? I know I do that when I am beyond angry or fed up. Sandy22, my Mom is the same...except now she is totally bedfast and the only thing she can "eat" is the nutritional drinks.i.e. Ensure, Boost, etc. I have learned how to make them interesting by getting one of those single serve blenders so thus far that is working great, BUT prior to her being as she is now, it would take Mom over two hours to eat a simple meal. she would chew and chew and chew and chew the same bite for five or ten minutes...and I do not know why, but the level of frustration you reach from that is unbearable after a while. She had surgery in December for a fractured ankle and apparently during surgery the anesthesia did a number on her already weakened brain and now she cannot eat anything anymore...she can't hold her cup, the only way she eats is if I am standing there beside her feeding her every last bit..and not just anyone can stay with her because the one sitter I have, a cousin, will ask her if she is hungry...she never is...but she eats when you give it to her...so, no matter how many times I have told my sitter this, she still forgets so I have to constantly call her and tell her to feed her anyway..hence not much of a break and so I don't get many. You do need to perhaps take advantage of respite care for her for a bit. I am going to have to do the same thing. I am coping but there are days where I just feel like ramming my head into the wall. It is frustration, it is anger, it is being unable to make it better and knowing there is only one way it is going to end...I started my day off great...then got blue, then got downright depressed and am now starting to bound back...I am clinically depressed and was diagnosed several years back and need a particular combo of meds to keep that in control. Needless to say I have not been able to get them since losing my insurance as they are too pricey...we have a low cost clinic here and I have been there but for some reason I cannot get these particular meds from them, for whatever reason and the other things don't help...so all this summed up, and speaking from someone who has similar issues here...Mom has a lot of days where all she does is stare at me....no speaking unless it is so weak it is inaudible.... 2) You are burned out and need some time for yourself...look into respite care for at least a little bit...I am working on this now 3) I finally started giving Mom bites of food and doing other things in between the hand feedings...otherwise it was two hours worth of sitting there and watching her chew....in some ways the shakes are easier as she drinks those pretty easily...maybe you could even try substituting a meal with one of those...they are balanced nutrition and I hope by adding the things I add like the frozen fruits, yogurt, honey, ice cream, peanut butter, etc...(not at once of course, just different flavors so she doesn't get bored..lol) but maybe that would help a little for those times when you are really busy or just at wits end and the thought of sitting there for that length of time sends you over the edge....and trust me I totally understand that feeling....

You are beyond burned out. Let Hospice take over her care, or they will end up caring for you.

I agree with all Blannie says; I just want to add that I really sympathise with the screaming frustration of standing there to help someone with every tiny, tiny mouthful of food or sip of water. OH GOD THE TEDIUM (sorry Blannie - that's just to vent!). And oh God the frustration of knowing you've got a dozen more productive things you could have done in the same length of time.

Trigger finger is very painful, too - my mother had it, though it seems to have disappeared. I suspect the hospice lady didn't know what she was talking about on that particular subject?

And yes you are correct. We all do need to look after ourselves or we won't be doing our job for long...

So Sandy what country do you live in?

Could your mom use a straw to drink her drink? Or a sippy cup like kids use? Does she forget to drink or can't pick up the cup? Why does it take her 30 minutes to eat her sandwich? She's just slow, or she forgets to eat it? Tell us more about that.

You sound like you're at the end of your rope, which is understandable. Any way you can get some respite care in, so you can go away for a couple of days? You clearly need a break and we can all understand that.

And can you take the "CAPS LOCK" off your computer keyboard? It's much easier to read if it's not ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THIS. Tell us a bit more and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.