How do you cope with two dying loved ones?

vstefans, you have a good point, some folks need closure. I remember when wakes were a full three day affair. 2-4 and 7-9 for three days. Maybe I am in denial. What I feel right now is, (to cousins) if you don't come see her now, I don't want to see you later. I'll make exceptions for those far away, or those who are still grieving their own, but not those who never called, who were "too busy".

Dear Pam,

You continue to be a blessing and a ray of light to me.

I think of the pain and exhaustion you must be going through.

I shold quit complaing and not being judgemental and should be more patient and loving.

Thank you, Pam
Marymember

Oh, Pam, I am so sorry!! That just makes my heart ache to hear that's what has been happening to you...

You know, I think sometimes the people passing don't want to realize what grief they are leaving us with. So having everyone come now while she is still with you is great, but I might consider, ahem, very partially overriding some wishes for no wake or anything just for the sake of those who maybe can't be there and those who need the ceremony of saying goodbye and celebrating a life...I had some dear friends who for whatever reason had no funeral service and man, it leaves a bigger hole that way, I still don't feel "right" about either one....

Thank you for responding anais43, Im sorry about your husband and father. I need all the support I can get, and hopefully I can be a help to you and everyone else here. Your in my thoughts too.

My Father was diagnosed with stage4 malignant melanoma in February of this year, he was given 6 months, he is really starting to show signs of deteriorating. My husband was diagnosed with stage4 head and neck cancer in June 2011, he is but a shell of his former self. While he has not been given a time frame, all of his treatment is considered to be palliative. I can so sympathize with you. I will keep you and pam in my prayers.

Thank you all again. I am going to do my best and balance things ( not working out at the moment but hopefully soon). Sometimes I see what you all and others go through and I think to myself" they have been thru the same, worse" and yet Im complaining... sad.. scared and maybe immature about everything. I thank you all so much.

pam, Im so sorry about your daughter :( Im glad you all are getting the family together. You both are in my thoughts.

me1000, my daughter is dying of Leukemia. She wants no more chemo. So I put the word out to all the family that time is short, and come to see her and say goodbye. Tomorrow we leave for a family reunion, the last hurrah, with aunts and cousins from all over. There will be no wake. The celebration of life is NOW, while she is still with us. She will be dead in just a few weeks. She thinks wakes are stupid, she wants to say goodbye while she still can. We are following her wishes. Hope you find the strength to do the same.

Sorry Captain, but sometimes the people around you just suck your energy and offer you nothing. I'm old enough and wise enough now to know when to cut people loose, and when to hold tight to the people who will lift you up and help you. When you are down the LAST thing you need is the psychic vampires who come out of the dark to prey upon you in your weakened condition. Good riddance! Surround yourself with HELPFUL PEOPLE, optimistic people, friends willing to go into the trenches with you and be truly helpful in the ways you need. Many of the angels who helped me at the worst of times weren't even people I knew before. I opened myself to angels, and let the vampires go slunk off to find other victims.

Why don't you all cry together? There is nothing to be ashamed about in crying because you will be losing someone to death. We all will die. Some sooner, others later. But, find a job, because you will need to support yourself and it will do wonders for your depression and attitude. Be grateful for the time you all have left, and cherish the moments you spend together. The miracle is already at hand. You can all be there for each other even though some will die. Be strong and be willing to accept life is tough, and we all have to make choices so we hopefully prevent some of the health problems you have described. Be healthy!

i wouldnt be so quick to run off any of the dysfunctional clowns around you . anyone can be of some kind of help if theyre prompted and made to feel usefull .. my aunts family has went from feeling resentful and suspicious of me to all being part of a great care team in only a few months. there is no more suspicion or resentment , everyone is special in their own way and they have a 91 st birthday cookout planned for aunt this saturday evening . many of us are getting to know each other for the first time in our lives .
you need the people around you , utilize them ..

So glad you reached out to this site. People have given you lots of wonderful ideas. I would agree with getting Hospice involved as they do provide more than just nursing as already mentioned. Who knows they may even help you with your financial situation and get you some help from the state at least for now. It is hard not to think ahead but all any of us can do is take one day at a time. Praying for you!

Thank you all so much for responding. Id address all of you separately which I try to do but today, just cant. Yes, I will try to make good memories for them and all of us and record them too. Great idea. My dad is the one who was given 6 month-12 months to live. He has one more test ( angiogram) to see if there is any possibility for a stint or two to allow the blood to flow but his arteries are severely calcified.

My grandfathers appts are in the next couple months and we will see what they say. They both are very ill today so I'm just blah. As far as them living together, they argue to much and wont... I suggested this yesterday but both said no for different reasons. Plus my kids are not easy to handle esp my son, and having all of us under one roof, we will have to see. It may come to that point unless I get some sort of help with one or the other. Yes, my grandfather is my fathers dad.

Thank you all so much. I never thought I would have to talk to some one like a pastor/ counselor but.. I may have to. Especially our because sadly and honestly.. I have so much doubt in my faith.. so much why nows. I know he will say " Its in Gods hands, up to him when he calls them home, their time" But right now, I just cant/ wont accept this for an answer. Esp with my dad now so soon- same time around as my grandfather. I mean I have lost other family incl a miscarriage,( Im still not over it)and a friend and Im just full of "whys".

Dear Me1000, My heart goes out to you. You are in an impossible situation. I agree w/all of the above advice. Please talk w/your father and grandfather honestly and openly about what is happening to them both w/their respective health situations. They probably both suspect the worst is happening to them already. IF they need to clear the air about "old" family issues this is the time to air them out and to heal old wounds. This will help them to be @ peace if there are any old issues between thm. Please don't forget to record their voices and ask them questions about family history and stories. You may learn some interesting history and some funny stories along the way.
Lastly, for yourself, you need to talk w/a minister or counselor to vent and help YOU through this tough time. Please DO NOT neglect yourself throughout this time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless you.

Is it not an option for them to live in the same house. This could make things easier, especially when you are running between 2 houses. I know that with both of them then living with you it could even be more stress on you. That's a tough one. Is your grandfather the father of your dad? Maybe they could share a home and give you a break.

It is sad, but you are doing your best and you are there for them, which will mean a LOT to you in days to come. If there are things you can do to make a few more good memories with either or both of them, go for it. Even something as little as watching funny movies at home or going out to see Christmas lights this winter will be something to treasure.

Yes, Hospice is an option if a doctor will attest that you're about 6 months from the end of life. It is worth checking out. Have a talk with your grandfather's doctor.

It sounds as if your grandfather may qualify for Hospice services. Call them. They can steer you in the right direction. I learned in caring for my dad that there are many services out there where you can go for support. With Hospice you would have a social worker who would help with so much! I am sorry you are having to shoulder so much at such a young age, but you will get through. Keep sharing on this site. It will help when you feel alone. God bless.

It's okay to cry; it's okay to share your sadness with your dad. He probably needs someone to talk to about his grief too. You have each other. He is probably more worried about you than you are about him. It helps to have the hard conversations about death, although I know how hard it is. I was never sorry when I did initiate that conversation with one of my dying relatives. I was surprised to hear what they were concerned about, and was able to reassure them based on my belief system and what I would promise to do after they were gone. It's a relief to the dying person to express their feelings, fears, wishes.

Keep looking for services and support, wherever you can!!! Be creative. Talk to people you know even casually. Talk to your doctor too. Ask if he/she knows of any services that can help you. Also, you need to take care of yourself in order to keep taking care of everybody else! I know it all makes your head spin and it seems overwhelming now. As my dying aunt told me, "We're just going to take this one day a time." What a wise woman she was. Try to find your own center and not be overwhelmed, tackle one problem at a time, and ask for help when you need it.

I will start looking for services again.. I cant even think straight.. sometimes I dont want to even think because It makes me have to realize this isnt just a nightmare its real life and I just am not ready to except it either. Im in my late 30's. Thank you to for answering hugs back

I been breaking down and crying in front of my dad.. I try to say excuse me and walk out but he follows me if we are talking and its just hard. I mean, I shouldn't complain but I already lost both my grandmothers, one grandfather and my mom. My dad is depressed I think. Hes got every reason.

My dad lives with me but I'm at my grandfathers nightly and off and on during the day. We haven't and are not going to tell my grandfather but... my dad is getting worse by the day.. we might have to because at this point... I will need to jump even more between the two houses. Its just me and the one lady for my grandfather ( shes only there twice week 1-3hrs each time.)

I actually need a job asap because they pay the bills so on top of all this I have to find work. o maybe that will be my time to be away. But I hate the thought of leaving them. Thank you for answering :) Sorry to ramble again

It's an impossibly hard situation. My heart goes out to you. First, get rid of the dysfunctional people around you, they have nothing to offer and will drag you down. Find yourself as much support as you can get. Check around for elder services in your community, caretaker support groups, hospice services?. If one place can't offer you anything, ask them to suggest a group that might. Cleave to your one real friend and ask for help. People on this board are very helpful and supportive, but there's nothing like an in-the-flesh human with you to help.

You seem young, so as someone older who has been through a lot, I promise you... THIS TOO WILL PASS!!! Everything does. And for every hard thing we go through in life, there is a gift waiting on the other end if we act with love and integrity through the situation. Sending you a prayer and a virtual hug.

Breathe... and try to take it one day at a time. You can only do what you can do and no more. Try not to push yourself beyond your emotional and physical limits. When you get into the worry cycle, stop and breathe - turn it over to a higher power. Do they both live with you? Try to get yourself away at least a few hours a week to go for a walk, get a massage or do something else nurturing for yourself.