My Dad (77) is an alcoholic with an 8 year old liver transplant. He needs help but I'm afraid he will push me away if I try. Any advice?

Sorry I'm late in my reply. My reply would have been similar. Focus on that 4 year old. You can't save your dad but toucan make a difference in the child's life. I appreciTed the reminder that my father will drag me down and keep that in the back of your mind. He is an addict. He is ashamed but smart enough to know you need to get that child of of that environment. Do it. Don't question it.

rxms, throwing his daughter out is a red flag and may signal an intention to drink himself to death. He doesn't want the granddaughter to witness a suicide. I know you can't stop him, but do what you can to protect the innocent.

My daughters father is a chronic alcoholic and is showing the signs of breakdown. He has ordered her and her 4yr old daughter to leave the house and was trying to explain to the 4yr old that he was sorry he had to do this. My daughter is moving out and she has been running the house for 15 years. The family is in turmoil and they have no control over the situation. This behavior has been reoccurring many times throughout the last several years. It is not a new event. I tried to help her but she too is in denial. I am hoping that input from others can help her.

DGinGA, thank you. He lost a 500k insurance policy, I think because he didn't pay it at some point. I am now taking him to his doctors appointments. He has not been formally evaluated, I believe. He just knows of the changes and both brothers had it. I will look into guardianship. Only his name is currently on everything.

Pam brought up a good point about ALANON. You need ongoing support, more than from a well meaning post.
Best of luck to you

Ok. I hear what you're all saying. But I would like to point out that I don't talk to him about his drinking. He's beyond that. My focus is on eating and walking so he doesn't become bedridden. Thank you all for your help.

Lynne, as I read your posts my first instinct was to tell you to step back and let go of the things you can't control - your father being #1. Anyone who has a liver transplant yet continues to drink doesn't really care what happens to himself anyway. Then you mentioned the money situation, and that truly is a problem. Do you have access to his doctor? Is your name on any of these accounts or the house? I ask because I had a discussion with the social worker of the nursing home where my dad was briefly for rehab. We talked about his dementia, and the fact that he would not allow any of his kids to assist him with his finances despite the fact that he was neglecting to pay utility bills, property taxes, etc. She told me that one of us could apply to the court to be named as his guardian. In Michigan that requires his doctor and a psychologist to sign statements declaring that his dementia has progressed to the point that he can no longer make decisions that are in his own best interests. The doc agreed to do this and set up the psych eval as well. Obtaining guardianship status basically gives me power of attorney over all of his finances and other legal decisions. He isn't happy about it, but it was for his own good.

Cap'n has a point, the more you urge him to stop, the more he will drink. Like Dusty said, Al-Anon is not about curing the drunk, it's about recognizing how alcohol affects YOUR life and how to not let it get to you. YOU survive and separate yourself from guilt, you stop urging them to stop. They have to choose sobriety on their own. You stop picking them up off the floor, you step over them and tell them to get up on their own.

nurses keep telling me to ease up , dont overdo the hard work . dummies, if theyd tell me to work harder id go lay in the shade and lick my n*ts .. defiance . everything is about defiance ..

pretty good answer imo , dusty . i agree , people are going to live or die as they choose . if you google up legal issues concerning elders youll keep coming back to the same lawful precedence ; self determination of the elder .
if i want to drink gasoline and light my farts thats exacly how it will go down, as it should be ..

Thank you. I've received a lot of good pieces of advice and will definitely put into play. But my original question should have focused on the Alzheimer's. That and the physical deterioration (from alcoholism) will quickly result in safety issues. I can accept his decisions but at some point don't I need to do something if he continues to fall in his home? How do I know he's not being pushed? Do I just accept that this is his choice to live and just be supportive when I can?

Lynne, I agree with you and with Pam, I would take it one step further though and make nice with the live in - a little praise to her, whether you feel she deserves it or not will open up the avenues you need to get the information that you need - your main concern is your Dad, you cannot change the situation right now and she
may be taking some of her anger towards you and sisters on him ...... and he probably feels some anxiety over the situation. I would just be supportive of him and his decisions, be there for him if and when he needs you and you will be doing your very best.

Al Anon would tell you to accept the things you cannot change. He is one of those things. His choice of companion is one of those things. If he wants to see an attorney, take him to one and leave them alone to sort out the details. Keep the papers (Deed, will, trust, DPOA, health care proxy) in a safety deposit box, not in his house. Do not leave the key where she can get it. Take him to the bank and get him copies of bank statements and have dad fill out the bank DPOA forms. Keep them safe. Keep copies of tax returns in a safe place. If something happens to him, I doubt if she will be willing or able to help you sort out the details. If he ends up in the hospital, you need to get there before her and present your DPOA and proxy. Protect but do not interfere.

So, I guess the answer is that she is caregiver of sorts and so am I. But she lives there. I am in same town but not under same roof.

I think he was trying to hide dementia and she and he were fighting. He wouldn't let us help him to move or go over. We finally had an intervention of sorts and he agreed and admitted he is having memory issues. He also agreed that he needed to get rid of his housemates girlfriend who was paying bills and in his words "overstepping the boundaries" but wouldn't elaborate. He said he and housemate will do the bills. That he needs to ease the other one out of the situation.

It is his home. She is trying to get him to put it in her name. He thinks he owes her for living with him and taking care of him. He is thinking of contacting an atty to put in trust and then when she dies it goes back to my sisters and I. His checkbook and financial statements are not in his room and he's not sure where they are. She is there weekends and evenings. She drinks after work and then goes home. I was mostly his caregiver for liver transplant period but he has pushed us away for past year and we are just starting to get more involved again with doctors and spend time. We've learned we can't ask, we just stop by. He is always happy to see us. But causes significant stress to him because she gets ugly.

Wow, it does sound like a complicated situation,
if your father is an alcoholic - I would bet that the abuse when they are drinking goes both ways - and no way to help either one of them if they continue to drink. Sounds like they are just enabling each other I would offer support should they want it and back away from them - as long as the drinking continues chaos will reign. If and when your father decides to quit drinking or his medical condition becomes such that he can't getting him out of the situation may be I would do what I could to remove him from - and I am confused here from your post - is it his home or is it hers - is she his caregiver?
In the meantime go to Al Anon which offers support for family members of alcoholics for some guidance.

Unless he is deemed incompetent you cannot do anything to manage the situation. If you think he is in danger, call Adult Protective Services and report the problem.

Angel #2

I agree with the comments thus far relative to his alcohol. My immediate problem is how to manage a situation I believe is going to become a bigger issue as his condition progresses. Emotional elder abuse by his companion. I witnessed it during the time prior to and after his liver transplant. She tries to isolate him from us (his daughters) and is verbally abusive...screams at him when she drinks and I did witness one time during her lunch. She doesn't want us in HIS home ( he lives with her). It's really rather complicated situation. Who do I see that can help me manage this situation to ensure that HE is protected, can live with dignity and peace. If I report the situation too early it will backfire because he is in protection mode because he sees heras the way in which he can live on his own.

Show him your love. Ignore her as much as you can and accept that you cannot change this situation. Offer detox, if he asks for help take him there.

Unfortunately you cannot manage an alcoholic unless they WANT HELP which doesn't seem to be the case here.

It is possible that what he is experiencing is not Alzheimers but is alcohol induced dementia. The symptoms are the same, but it is a condition that is caused by drinking (it has been called wet brain in the past). Like Alzheimers and dementia there is no cure, only treatment of the symptoms.

A lot of alcoholics do not eat. This is because they are constantly sick from the alcohol and lose their appetite. The first symptom of this is an imbalance (deficiency) of potassium, which causes serious abdominal pain, dizziness, and other random symptoms that are often blamed on other things. This is life threatening.

I'm assuming he got the liver transplant after a lifetime of drinking? After a liver transplant, the recipient is usually on a lifetime cocktail of anti rejection medications and other medications. Nutrition should be strictly monitored. Alcohol is completely off limits after a liver transplant (although an alcoholic won't simply quit after a transplant, they must want to quit). Liver failure after a transplant is extremely risky. Its unlikely he would qualify for a second transplant if needed.

All of this is just random information though...since you can't do anything to change him.I fear that of you cannot convince him to enter a detox treatment facility as soon as possible that the only consolation would be to wait until something catastrophic happens like a fall, a potassium incident, or a drunk driving incident etc. and have the hospital place him. Most importantly, do not allow him to stop drinking on his own. Alcohol detox is deadly due to seizures. He must be medically monitored if he plans on quitting ESPECIALLY since he is a liver transplant recipient.

Most of all, don't blame yourself. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Angel