My Mom, with dementia, is jealous of my Mother-in-law since I'm now caregiving for both of them. Any advice?

I had the same problem about my mother and my aunt, and my aunt ended up having to go into assisted living. I would stop by and get her things that she needed and took her to appointments sometimes, but there was no way that I could help both - I don't think you would have the energy to either. Let her family find health workers or an assisted living facility for her. Caring for her isn't enough in this situation.

My poor sister in law has been dealing with this for 30 plus years. So she has to set rules for who gets what holiday and no matter how much her mother pouts, she does not give in. Hard line boundaries are how she copes. She ignores the tantrums and walks away when her mom starts to swear at her. And the rest of us back up sis as much as we can.

Sorry.Meant this as new post-not in answer to above question.

Regarding not taking Mom back from week respite with siblings.
After 14 months of 24/7 care in my home (mobility issues,mentally alert), Mom went for one week respite to be shared by two brothers. My mother had major issues contributing financially, having aides or respite care from anywhere but family. At one point, I was told no one else in the family could take her if I needed a break, so I tried to use assisted living for respite and all hell broke loose. After that one brother decided if he shared the week with another brother, they COULD do it.
Well to sum it up as fast as I can, due to my mother's control issues, lack of appreciation and lack of respect, I posted here asking about not taking her back. I was advised not to trick anybody but use the time to find another place for my mother, which I agree with in theory BUT it doesn't really work like that in my family. Mom shuts down and here comes everyones opinions. Well she went and we refused to take her back. Have you ever done something and can't believe you did it? I have always been close to my mother (if you played the game her way) actively argued with my brothers against her going to a nursing home and constantly trying to help her. My mantra was always "she's my mother" but the lack of respect really made me see this is a one way street. I guess this relates to the post "when is enough enough" . As you might have guessed, we have no contact. I have committed an unforgiveable act. It's actually quite freeing to step out of this crazy family dynamic but there is a price to be paid. I actually love them and I do regret treating my one brother badly. He is her POA and did try to help me. Just trying to think things through-funny how life can slap you around and make you re-examine things.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It has been a hugh support.
Can't tell you how much I respect what all of you are doing.

Your mom has dementia and like everyone here has already said there is no reasoning. As far as your MIL goes - Isn't there any other family available that could do the care? Honestly when my MIL had her cataracts done I had her in the same nursing home that my FIL was in for respite care. She went for 2 months and it was a much needed rest for me and she was able to be with her husband for his final days as well. She too has early stages of dementia.

trying to care for 2 elderly parents with some really needy care is really impossible and you will burn yourself out. It doesn't make you a bad person to have MIL in a respite care facility. There are professionals there to provide all the care she needs she doesn't have to go anywhere to get PT, your husband can visit her on the way home from work and you can relax knowing that this isn't an awful choice and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Also you really need to consider your own mom with dementia. AS much as we all want to think we can provide the best care for our ailing parents and that the best place for them to be is at home with us - that isn't always the case. First your life shouldn't be on hold because you have a parent with mental illness, second you really have to look at everything with very impartial eyes (not easy at all to do) You have to ask your self is being at home the best thing for her or would a Nursing home/Assisted Living type facility really be a better situation. Its not an easy decision to make. If you don't have help your going to get ill trying to do this all yourself. Give your self permission to put your self first and know its ok if you choose an alternative care situation for either parent.

I really would think hard about a short term respite care situation for your MIL.

you don't have to have dementia for that to happen .Most people are jealous of
someone ..

LOL - had to laugh at some of the comments re attention seeking. My mom (93 & with dementia) is constantly asking if my MIL (75 & just a royal pain but no dementia) is jealous because I am "spending so much time" with her. Didn't realize it until just now that it's like my mom wants my MIL to be jealous. Yes, my mother wants ALL of my attention on the 3 days I am with her. If she were fast enough, I'm sure she would join me in the bathroom, sitting on the side of the tub while I did my business.

Seriously, you can't be everything to everyone -- something I am sure you have found out by now. Smart to get your mom's aide for extra time. If your MIL needs an aide, I'm sure you've already figured out that it would have to be a totally different one. Yes, MIL's own blood should be pitching in helping with her.

I am dreading what will happen when it's time for my MIL or FIL to need help. My SILs have already said they would not help their own mother because she is so needy. They assume that I will do it because I am doing it for my own mother. Heck no - already told my husband we are moving to another state!

they were homemakers , and as much as i respect that , i had worked nearly 40 years of hard labor and in theory had some returns coming for that investment .

do be careful . i had mom and aunt competing to see who could be the biggest pain in the ass for years . 6 years ago it came to an explosive ending -- my brain broke on a really rough hepc treatment , the jealous women were directly involved , and after a year of hell i crashed on the floor of the va stress unit and lost my opportunity to kill the virus . i had to make a big decision . i walked away from my aunt . her family were skating like thieves . they had no choice but to pick up the slack . now mom is gone and im happy to help aunt . i couldnt do both . it temporarily cost me my sanity and nearly cost me my life -- essentially over a couple of jealous , demented old women .. they had lived their lives , in hindsight both put together werent worth mine ..

Sorry i wanted to say that attention seeking is very BIG part of this illness if im on the phone shell say something to get me off,as im typing here shes constantly at me wanting me to talk OR watch tv with her. Its just madness nothing you can say or do can change this but you can help yourself by ignoring her as it drives you "buggy" my mum was never an attention seeker until now she cant bear me to take my attention away from her but i dont let her control me now i just walk away and ignore her the more you give in to them the worse she will get.

Oh Yeh!! Our new neighbours have just got everything done to thier house extensions you name it ME i think good for them! My mum has been cursing like mad she is so jealous she just keeps doing it looking out the window shouting "ba.tards" they are getting everything done that i want.

I hope she dosnt say anything at the house warming oh god im so scared maybe i should leave her at home but she may climb over the wall.

If you don't have family to help you out with either your mother or MIL, do you have any options like adult daycare for your mother? Some AL facilities also offer respite care for a few days or weeks. One of these options might be enough to help you through the crisis time until MIL is discharged from the hospital and settled into rehab or wherever she is going for the next step.

Well, I'm with the people who say you can't explain much to a person who has advanced dementia.

Where is your husband in all this?

You did the best you could. You're NOT superwoman. You will have your own health problems if you continue to try to take care of both.

One or the other needs to go into and/or have full time caregiving. And it shouldn't be you.

I have such great admiration for all of you who take care of both your mom and MIL. Both my mom & MIL passed on very quickly, and we lost our mom after just 3 weeks of heart problems and eventual failure. But my dad is inclined to be jealous of my aunt 83yrs, who is our second mom. (my mom's sister) He doesn't like it when we visit her. She is fine and doesn't like him, but he acts up when we take him with and says we have to go after 5min. He has the dementia. He is also jealous when either me or my sister have male company, even if it is only for business. Not sure if they get territorial, or insecure.

skyisblue, you're doing a great job, but take care not to stretch yourself too thin.

I had the exact same problem! Except my mother in law was jealous of my mom!
Mom was 93 and bedbound and MIL was 84 and jealous when I would be staying at my moms caring for her.
In hindsight what I should have done was to insist that other family members step up to the plate and care for her. I did not do this and suffered for it. please take my advice. Set your boundaries now. Let all family members know what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Make sure you are very clear. Do not beat around the bush.

I agree with you guys, do your best thats all you can do.

I have the same problem............only it's my MIL who is jealous of my own mom. All three of us are widows. MIL (alzheimers and bedbound) lives with me and my mom lives alone about 4 miles away. When I occasionally have my mother over, MIL gets angry. So my mom stays away (is scared of MIL) and I have to get a sitter for MIL just to see my own mom. It's okay - they wouldn't get along in this small house with me anyway. Too much estrogen lol Do they even still have estrogen at 89?

I also agree with Jeanne and Countrymouse..

It is very important that you have another family member help with MIL now.. You have enough on your plate dealing with your Mom, let others take over for MIL..

Taking care of your Mom is a full time job..

What other family has your MIL got? I completely agree with Jeanne, and I completely agree that you had no choice about how to handle your MIL's crisis; I'm just wondering whether there is anyone else you could call on to help from this point.

It's just that there is no way on earth of explaining to your mother why you can't be there for her so she is bound to get scared and upset. If your MIL is lucid and can understand the situation, then gradually delegate her care to someone else instead if that's possible. It's a matter of who needs you more, when there is only one of you and you cannot be everywhere. Best of luck.

Your mom has dementia. No amount of logic and reasoning is effective with someone who is losing/has lost the ability to reason. Just lavish Mom with love when you are with her, keep reassuring her that you love her. Ignore the 67 messages. Above all, don't feel guilty for not being able to be all things to all people who need you. Do your best and feel proud.

I think having Mom's health aid work extra hours was very smart.