How do you handle being "played" by the person you're giving care to?

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phanna919 Asked June 2014

How do you handle being "played" by the person you're giving care to?

I am the eldest of 5 children (2 girls, 3 boys) - my mom was recently placed in a nursing home (my decision) I only had 30 minutes to find a place because the doctor discharged her from a rehab facility and she could not go home. I have dual POA, and no help from any of my siblings. I had heard more excuses than I could ever imagine, so even though I live 3 hours away, I make weekly trips to visit my mom, handle all of her personal, financial and medical affairs, and try to maintain working 40 hours a week because I live alone, and live from check to check.
This past week my mom has been calling me relentlessly saying that she just wants to go home and die, cannot walk or move her legs, and is totally helpless. I worked with the staff and her physician over the weekend, and discovered that my mother has been playing me like a fiddle. She can move her legs, and she can walk with a walker but has been acting out when I come around so that I will feel sorry for her and bring her home. I can't afford to quit my job, and I can't trust anyone else to really be there to help. I have had family members not show up for scheduled times they were going to help or bring her to dr visits, or just not show up at all when it was their turn to help out. I feel as though I have been used both ways, and I am just disgusted with the whole situation. I know my mother has bouts of dementia, is extremely overweight and just too darn lazy to help herself. Why should I have to be the one to take responsibility for everything? Is anyone else dealing with anything like this?

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score 2 · Answer 1

Phanna, you are awesome. Your mother is in good hands. Be her advocate, don't get sucked into the dementia vortex!

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score 1 · Answer 2

I agree with all of the advice above. I want to add, answer the phone once a day, IF you want to. You can call the NH and speak with your mom's nurse if you need to. Believe me, the NH will call you, if you are needed.

My adult nephew had to do what you are doing, for mother, because caring for Mother precipitated his own mother's early death. The first 2 months are the worst, I think. He had so much paper work to do that I paid him $500.00 a month, for awhile. (He lives 90 miles away. I am 1500 miles away.)

I don't know what elderly expect. Do they think that they will just drop dead? I think statistically that is wrong We all need to make plans.

Good luck. I hope you are feeling more at ease.

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score 3 · Answer 3

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all the comments and support. It is sad that I am not alone dealing with this kind of situation. My mom and I were never ever close, and being the oldest of 5, I was the maid, cook, babysitter, etc. to care for the other 4. I thought that since she was in the final years of her life I would have finally had the mom I always wanted, but I was mistaken. I am going to take care of myself and enjoy my next weekend, alone!!

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score 4 · Answer 4

It sounds pretty straightforward - Mom needed more care so the doctor determined that she needed skilled nursing. You have to work fulltime to support yourself so you can't be home to give her 24/7 care. Your sibs aren't going to provide 24/7 care. My mom has been doing this acting thing since she went into AL (now in NH). I was angsting one day when a staffer pulled me aside and said that my mom was doing fine and going to activities. But that she changed her demeanor just for me and that they saw this a lot with mothers and daughters. Your mom will get the care she needs, she's safe. You'll get good at figuring out when she has a genuine need or problem, and when she's yanking your chain.

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score 2 · Answer 5

phanna, it's an ugly thing that people usually don't talk about. Many elder parents use their children. It is baffling, but we see it so often that a parent can lose caring about what happens to a child as long as their needs are being met. It's a narcissism that sometimes comes with old age... and sends many of us hunting for support groups.

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score 1 · Answer 6

I understand how you feel about everything ending up on your shoulders ( for me, I'm told to get help for my grandfather because Im doing too much,but yet, under the same breath Im not doing enough or good enough) Just because I don't have a job? Or even if I had a job I was told by certain people I would have had to quit to care for him because hes done so much for us) Well, we have other family who retired or are jobless out of state, why cant they come take turns?

Its not easy and honestly, worry about you! Your doing great and your mom will be ok where she is it. As the Dr said, she can walk... at home, do you think she would? Your in my thoughts

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score 2 · Answer 7

It's time for the professionals to take over.. You need to take care of yourself.

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How do you handle being "played" by the person you're giving care to?

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