How does everyone cope with the clinging, obsessive neediness of your parent?

I hear you! I've had this problem as well and just resented feeling like a puppet with my father pulling the strings when he wanted something. My situation isn't as intense as yours though. I honestly know that I couldn't handle it.

But here's what I did, as well as things I haven't tried it. Perhaps they'll help. But I also agree as to getting extra help in. You need some "me time".


I think in the whole scheme of things, the loss of ability to care for oneself creates a need for reliance and dependency that we could only experience if we lived through it (and I hope I never reach that point). I think there's fear involved as well, especially when mobility is compromised, and those primal fears become so dominant that higher level thinking, such as organizing thoughts, become difficult. So I try to do the thinking instead and just present options, not multiple choices, but yes or not options.

I no longer ask what places he wants to go when I come out to do his shopping; instead I suggest we go to a, b, c, then get a Dairy Queen. I take the scheduling of trips away from him so he doesn't have to organize his thoughts but only respond to my suggestions. Yes or no answers.

As to things like looking up charity execs' salaries to determine if the charity is worth a contribution, I tell him that I have a - x high priority responsibilities for him and those come first. If I'm diverted looking up this and that, and doing other things, that takes time away from the priority issues and they won't get done as quickly.

There's only so much I can do in a day, and now he understands that, especially after I've been too fatigued or actually ill and suddenly everything he needs comes to a grinding halt.

For repeated questions, I've suggested he write down the answers but he hasn't. What I should do is list them, print out the answers and give the "cheat sheet" to him so he can look them up.

What you could try is setting aside perhaps 5 minutes out of an hour, then gradually extend it, to go over his needs for the next hour or so. When he thinks of something else, ask him to jot it down and you'll discuss it in your next strategy meeting.

Makes these meetings relaxing for both of you - cup of tea, lemonade...maybe some music.

I've never figured out if the "frequent what's this or that" questions are a reflection of thought processes being truncated and some memory loss, or just plain manipulation. But it did make me feel as though my whole day was broken up into segments of Q & A and eventually I found it difficult to concentrate on more important tasks that required thinking. This was and remains a problem for me.

As to the physical care, set aside 1/2 hour, 3/4 hour or even an hour after the laborious tasks just for down time for yourself. If you have to leave to go for a walk, do it. You need to recharge your own batteries more often or you'll just become physically run down.

Good luck, and hang in there!

Hi i wouldnt feel bad about shouting at your dad we all do it we are only human! How many times have we seen an exhausted parent with a naughty toddler shouting at them? yes we feel guilty after but this illness can really push your buttons. I have my mum 24/7 with no breaks so be grateful you have some help coming in. I have to go for walks or have a bath just to calm down as im typing shes off doing something and im afraid to find out what but i know there will be a big mess for me to clean up again today!

Thanks, I am in the process of getting someone extra to come in maybe 3 times a week, for 2 to 3 hours and I will be out of the house to go for a walk, go shopping, or maybe even a rare manicure, pedicure :)

You sound very overwhelmed. Being someone's lifeline is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting. It sounds like you need a break.

Can you hire a caregiver for part of the day, or maybe just for a few hours during the day? When she's there get away or just shut yourself up in your room. I think it's very important that you get away for a bit. Not for a 2 week vacation or anything but just relieved of some of your burden.

Call your siblings, get another caregiver, send dad off to a facility so you can get some respite care. Do something before you burn completely out.

Maybe it's time to expand the overnight caregiver into more often during the day? Hire a second person to alleviate his worries about pills, and your frustration. What about your siblings, can they take over for awhile? Maybe take dad off your hands for a week or two? My husband and I don't live with his mom, but I spend as much time as I can with her. When she gets in the Alz loop of asking or saying the same things to me a thousand times, I tell myself that that could be me in 20 years doing this to OUR son. Oh my gosh what an awful thought! And the thing is, that thought makes me MUCH MORE patient with her. funny and sad at the same time. Hang in there. Once your dad's gone you'll have nothing but hindsight, and that can be either good or bad.