Alzheimer's parent in a nursing home is overly sexual. Any advice?

Take care of yourself, Kala, You've been through some awful stuff with your father, and now that he's in a nursing home it's time to look after your own health.
For everyone who's commented that they don't see the harm in elderly people flirting and kissing, or doing more than kissing, you're right, as long as it's mutual.
Of course older people have sexual feelings, and they should be allowed the privacy to act on those feelings, but what this man is doing is unacceptable. He's forcing himself on women who don't welcome the attention, one of whom was asleep at the time. It's not okay for someone to do that when they're thirty, and it's not okay when they're eighty-nine.
This isn't some nice old gent who likes to smooch the ladies with the ladies' enthusiastic permission, but a man who's made a lifetime habit of forcing himself on women.
Fortunately, the staff at the nursing home has been alerted to what's going on so they can keep an eye on him.

Dear JFryHospice, at my age and health, I know I'll never be considering another job. You have given me excellent advice, something I may need in the future. I will continue to manage his affairs, be an adult about all of this, make sure I visit regularly, etc. I have had therapy in the past, and I suggest therapy for anyone who has those demons in their closets, no shame in it AMEN to that. Or therapy for those under so much stress during their care giving, so many of us let our own mental and physical health go to shreds because we are so focused on caring for others. After I had my father admitted to the NH, I ended up in the hospital for days due to a heart condition that I was ignoring. I just kept pushing myself by no sleep, and taking additional heart meds when I felt too sick to take one more step. Last June 2013 I was admitted for 8 days in the cardiac wing of the hospital for neglecting my heart problems, my heart beat had gone down so low I could not walk or focus and had to be hooked up to the defibrillator in the ER, I was down to 38 beats per minutes, skipping beats, heart was stopping but also suffering from bigeminey which is a double heart beat, my heart doesn't know whether to run a marathon or hibernate a lot due to electrical pulse, lol. . I have a history of electrical problems on the right side of my heart. Something I learned during my years of care giving....your parent WILL be okay if you don't visit every other day or that Sunday visit, the NH will keep them entertained and odds are your parent won't remember when you were there last anyway, I think the visits are more for our own conscience accountability. Try to schedule those visits during a weekday and make appointments with the Head Nurse, Social Director, be involved. But most of us are to the point where WE are beginning to need help at home or developing health problems or struggling with our own current health, we have to take care of ourselves as well. Easier said than done. I know. If I missed thanking anyone for their advice, I thank you now. So many of you have offered excellent insight and options that will help me now and in the future.

KalaFW, I am soooo sorry that you are having to deal with your dad continuing to victimize people, including yourself! It was bad enough you had to put up with him throughout childhood on, but now to have to be responsible for him??!! I don't know about other states, but we do have one N.H. in AZ that is a locked facility for patients who have psychiatric issues in addition to dementia/Alz etc. You might want to explore this in the state where you live. If you have the funds, you might want to look at hiring a private Case Manager to help you with his current placement and/or future placements. Also, if it comes down to it, you might want to look at what it would take to have the State step in, e.g. Adult Protective Services, and to consider him to be "abandoned", where you are no longer willing to accept responsibility for him, including refusal to pick him up for discharge from the N.H., or hospital, etc. Be careful with this option as it could give you an Official State record of "Abandonment, etc.,(This could cause a problem down the road with employment if you were to ever seek work in in caring for others) But, in NO way do I think you should ever have to take this predator back into your home!! You have been his victim far too long, and you don't deserve it! He is beyond the normal sexualized behaviors of an Alz/dementia patient. If nothing else, it might help for you to see a counselor at this time just to get some support for yourself.

A person would have to be acephalic to believe that inflatable dolls are anything approaching human. You can't fool an old hen with chaff!

Thank you sodonewith, apparently this is nothing to do with meds and was an issue way back when. at this stage in life, not knowing if he had a partner or not, restraints are out, and some people just can not sleep alone, and just maybe a doll of such might keep him in his own bed. I did not see anywhere here that there was anymore than touchy feely going on with some kisses and for all I know the ladies might even enjoy being flirted with. I think I would... its not like anything could go on being in a wheel chair and all. I still believe that the NH has a handle on this behavior and would not let anyone be assaulted in such a way and again everyone there has an option to leave or move their parent if they don't like the way the facility handles the issue. Meds "salt peter" I believe it is more of a mind set than anything really, I have a situation of the same issue, 93 years old, believe me it don't stand up, but just the contact, catching a feel, eeewe, I know! but think about it, 30 years of widow not exactly out for dating and just so alone (not me, my neighbor LOL). Not much time left for him but, I don't know, is it wrong?... I hope when I get that old someone still flirts around with me... Thanks all, best of wishes Kala.......

Dear Seenypa, I'm sorry to read about your dad and I sincerely pray that all goes well with him and the family. I think flirting is cute especially in the senior years, keeps them happy and smiling and giggling, gives them life, as long as that line isn't crossed.

Dear SoDoneWithSal, I know, living to this age with black lung seems unreal; I don't believe there is anyone else he worked with who is living. He is one of the physically healthiest people I've met; never had blood pressure, cholesterol, heart, weight problems, could eat anything he wanted, etc. He only takes steroids for the black lung and that works really well for him. Really thinking hard about this, he very well could be bi-polar and never diagnosed properly; I lean more toward psychopathic because of his ability to disguise his behavior and turn it on or off in a split second. When you hear the phrase nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, his face comes to mind. I've also been thinking about the few conversations I have had with the NH Social Director, very bluntly discussing his sexual behavior with her; so they can't say they didn't know about it. I have Monday off work and plan to call early to see if I can get an appointment with the Dept of Nursing or Social Director, I doubt if the doctor would be available at such short notice. I'm going to ask for medical intervention and I'm going to ask for THEIR advice. I feel if I ask for their advice, follow that, then if something goes wrong, I can honestly say I was following the NH protocol. But if push comes to shove, I'll pay more to have him moved to a more secure wing. I simply can't have him back in his house where yet another young girl will live the rest of her life traumatized by his actions. I only recently found out my 37 yr old daughter was another victim of his sexual predatory nature; kept silent by his threats and was afraid to tell me. This explains a lot of her young teen years behavior when we could not figure out why she was acting out so badly. She only told me a few months ago, breaking down after I promised her that I would never bring him home again.

My dad likes being kissed by women as well as the family women as a greeting. But now he has taken it to another level, he used to go to a social club for seniors, and after a while the ladies just lined up to be kissed by him. The men of course just ignored him , but he was a 'hit' amongst the single ladies, much to my embarrassment.
We have, after quite a search, found an ideal NH for him and we a bit worried that he might think its ok to do it there. He has early dementia, but steadily getting worse when left alone for short periods.

Holy cow! He has black lung disease and is still so "lively" at almost 90. That's incredible. I would have thought he'd be barely alive, gasping for breath and on supplemental oxygen, but instead he's merrily going around groping women and flashing his willy. Un-bee-lieveable!

I feel angry at the way he treated you and your sister, and at his disdain for women in general. I know coal miners were a rough lot, but still, his behavior is off-the-charts misogynistic.

And the constant chattering and need to go, go, go all the time. Are you sure he isn't bipolar?

Finally, I'd say no, he doesn't deserve to be home. He deserves to be right where he is, hopefully with the staff keeping a close eye on him.

Dear HadEnuf....no worries, I can't see me ever bringing him back home unless he is in late stage ALZ and home health care can take care of him and me just being there but NOT taking full care anymore. Unless the ALZ progresses to where he can't be a tyrant and predator, he'll never see his home again, it's not safe for him or others around him. Sad, but so true. And that's horrible coz that was his HOME and he deserves to be HOME, but it just won't work.

DearTooYoungForThis, good idea. The NH pays none of his meds or supplies, we furnish it all. Since we are private pay, I am responsible for picking up my father's meds and delivering them to the NH. He has excellent prescription insurance, very manageable costs, $5 per Rx regardless of actual cost, so I'm willing to try any med at this point to settle him down. Example: 2 years ago on an 11 hour one-way trip by car, he talked for 3 hours, 20 minutes straight, talking, singing, whistling. Yes, I timed it. He never stopped. If the other passenger and I tried to talk, he would interrupt and bring the conversation back to HIM. If it isn't about HIM, you aren't going to talk about it. He actually got mad and pouted coz we asked him to wait a minute while we finished our discussion about a local news story. He was NOT happy.

Dear JFRYHospice...EXACTLY my point. He is a predator, always has been and only escalated now to where the ALZ makes him not realizing the repercussions. I would have to side with the nursing home, what if that were my wife, my mother in there and some man was putting his hands on her? I'd demand that SOB be ejected and discharged from there. I'd want to go down there and beat somebody up, even if they were 90 years old and has ALZ, I'd want something DONE. I understand the law and why they have to notify me...it also covers their liability, they told me, so I know. So if they tel me he has to go, I certainly can't ask why, coz I would know. With the NH also having to notify the other patient's family, they are within their right to insist something be done. I'm praying the doctor will give my father some med to slow this down or eliminate this behavior. Thank you so much for your words.

Dear ShannonMahoney, sounds like our parents are matching book ends, OMG I hate this for you coz I know exactly where u r coming from, from hearing every sexual exploit in detail before we could tie our own shoes to everything else...yep....that's them for real. My heart goes out to you.

Dear ElenasElderCare, totally understood about modesty no longer being the norm and I do understand that everyone needs personal, private time and it's their own body. Sexual pleasure is normal and healthy for the body and mind. I'm talking about when he just wants to expose himself for the reaction. Dad, let's get you dressed, it's time for church...and I go brush my hair and come back to find him in the kitchen with his pants undone and his hands busy while leering at me. I had no problem helping my dad bathe, my husband even installed an ADA compliance bathroom for my father complete with ADA toilet and shower fixings including chair. Keeping him clean was nothing to me, drying him, applying meds, none of that bothered me in the least. But having him stand up to change into his jammies and him say something like come lay down with me while fondling his privates crossed that line big time so I'd tell him to put that mess away. Or when you go into his nursing home room and say Dad so and so are on their way inside and will be here in 2 minutes, let's comb your hair. They come into the room, a neighbor, mother and teenage daughter, and he says he has to urinate and comes back out with his pants shoved down exposing himself, rubbing himself telling the young girl how beautiful she is....yeah, I'm gonna draw that line. Sadly, this is not due to ALZ, he did this a lot in the past that my sister and I just quit having anyone over to our house.

Dear Patts44OK, thank you for the most valuable advice. The nursing home DID know before hand about his behavior, it was bad at his first nursing home where he only stayed 2 months for rehab due to a broken hip. Things had gotten so bad taking care of him at home that I even documented in writing and submitted to his family doctor about his sexual behavior and hyper activity and everything else. The family doctor wrote up the admissions, telling me that my father was beyond living at home anymore. And that paperwork went to several nursing homes that we interviewed. I know he doesn't need to be punished; having ALZ and Dementia is punishment enough. But getting these calls, scared for what is to come, well, your advice is certainly positive and makes me feel much better on what to do should the nursing home start asking me to take him home or find another place. Thank you.

Dear ElenasElderCare, I do agree with you on keeping a patient busy, giving them things to do, respecting their sexual nature, of course I do. I tried to encourage my father to do things at home, fold laundry, feed birds, put things away, dust, clean, phone messages, anything...but his life is to dictate and have things done for him...all the things you suggest are Woman's Work to him and he's not having any of that including Woman's Bingo, Woman's Games, tending to Women's Flowers. Once when I was washing dishes, he slammed a cup on the table so hard it cracked coz I asked him to wait one second coz I was washing the breakfast meal skillet. I asked him could he please get the cup of coffee himself coz my hands were wet and it was on then...not pretty....slam goes the cup, tap goes the cup, tap tap tap, then SLAM...I should have known that was coming coz I wasn't fast enuf. I was not allowed to sit down to eat until the kitchen was cleaned from cooking or he would just start on what needed to be washed before I could finish my food, easier for me to grab a bite, wash a skillet, grab a bite, wipe down the stove, etc.. What I do see him do is he'll ask for a kiss and someone will lean over to kiss him on the top of his head or his cheek. He then either grabs their face or tilts his face at the last minute to make sure he gets a mouth kiss then brags about how cool it is and don't they like some tongue, baby, does that turn you on being kissed like that, GAG. He was never an affectionate man in the stereotypical sense of a man showing affection or care or needing affection. His affection was shown by going to bars, getting drunk, sleeping with whoever he was drinking with and then came home. His affection was not romantic, his affection was grabbing my mother and taking her into the bedroom with the kid awake in the house or groping her under a blanket on the same couch we kids were sitting on watching TV. And he didn't try to be quiet, he was quite proud of his vocals during his ahem affectionate time. His affection was coming home drunk in the middle of the night, making me and my older sister wake up and dance for them, then he would stumble into bed and have relations with my mother who was laying in bed pretending to be asleep. I've never seen him want affection, only attention. But I honestly DO see what you are saying, I see that in so many others and that does ring true for so many. Thank you for your input.

Dear Sickenson, excellent ideas thank you. I took care of my father the past 21 years part time, then more in earnest the past 11 years after my older sister passed away, I was taking care of her part time before she passed for over a year. After she passed, I was able to devote more time to running my father's homes and bills and everything else he needed done. I did leave my job on an extended period of absence, left my home and life and moved in with him last year and lived with him until I had him admitted to a nursing home. I just couldn't do it anymore. At almost age 60 myself and my own health problems, I could not be chef, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, landscaper, entertainer, banker, accountant, shopper, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, etc 24/7 any longer. And when I say every waking hour was spent doing his bidding, I mean it with no exaggeration, my only down time was when he took a nap or went to sleep at night for a few hours. Every second awake was spent doing what he said to do (nothing changed, it was like that in child hood). Pick that up, wash that, fix this, write that, take me here, clip this stray eyebrow hair (yes, really), cook this, bring me that, what is on the floor, LINT! (screaming fit), and so on. He refused to watch TV since he could no longer follow a plot, even a cartoon confused him so no TV was allowed. He wanted to be on the GO GO GO every minute, shopping, groceries, manicure pedicure hair cut, department stores, to the bank just to see what was in there, go for a drive, to church, out to eat. You could spend SIX hours out, getting him in and out of the car and wheelchair, get home and he'd start on what needed to be done before I could put down my keys. My husband was no longer welcome to come visit me coz my father would throw a fit that I wasn't sitting there at the same table listening to his stories or listening to him sing. The only time my husband was allowed was ...yeah....being honest...when my father told me why didn't my husband and I go take a nap in his room and he would sit by the door and listen to us pant....OMG I threw a fit and screamed so loud on how nasty he was but he then said he was only kidding....uh okay...I was not allowed to talk on the phone. I could not go to the bathroom without him pounding on the door and screaming my name to hurry up. He has always demanded complete total attention to him and no one else was allowed to have a life. He tried to seduce my mother in law and she refused to ever come back. I lost home health care providers because they couldn't get close enuf to him to assist him without him trying to fondle them and beg for kisses. Each shopping trip was spent with him trying to talk some young cashier into going out on a date with him and maybe spending the night....it got so I couldn't bear to hear him wake up and I'd be throwing up just hearing him call my name first thing in the morning. Trying to tell him night after night that NO I will NOT lay down with you, I'm your daughter, damnit...with him saying NO ONE will ever know, it is only us in the house....creepy crap like when I was growing up....anyway, thank you again for the great ideas about them TRYING to get him to rest in his room more, he is in almost constant motion at the nursing home, wheeling up and down the hallways for hours, he just NEVER sits still for long and he's already on Ativan.

Dear Gilliboo, thank you so much for the words of wisdom, I'm holding onto this info thanks !

Dear SoDoneWithSal, I know he isn't taking any viagara or similar since I handle all of hi bills and know when he saw a doctor and manage his checkbook and would know if he was taking any meds. He's always been this way, even with his own daughters and in front of his daughters, he has no shame. But with the Alzheimers and Dementia, he's taken this behavior over the top :(

Thank you so much for your suggestions on the different meds. I'm going up there to talk to the doctor/Dept of Nursing to see what they can Rx for him. He's barely on any meds at all other than steroids for black lung (he was a coal miner and the meds keep this totally in check) and the Ativan meds and one baby aspirin a day. We are private pay patients so not sure how hard the nursing home will work to keep him in there, hopefully private pay will give them the initiative to work with me to keep him admitted. I do understand and accept that seniors well into their 80's and such still have a sex drive...that's fine, but not to where my father is reaching over and climbing out of his wheelchair to plant kisses on unsuspecting female patients. The first time he went into a lady's room while she was sleeping and was caught when the woman woke up screaming, with his hands under her sheet and kissing on her. He can get up and down from his wheelchair if he has something to lean against. When questioned, he said he was wheeling by her room, saw she had no bed covers over her and was just covering her up so she wouldn't be cold...yeah, okay.

Salt Peter!

You have a serious concern, and it is good that you are not takinging it lightly and you are seeking help. This is can result in your father being removed from the facility, and having a difficult time being placed. This type of behavior can result in the facility being sued.
The facility should be taking the right precautions to supervise this behavior. Medication is often the last resort, but if he is talking and exhibiting other symptoms of agitation, medication to reduce anxiety may be what he needs. There are less sedative medications, some anti depressants, that might be more suitable and safe for your father. A psychiatric evaluations will determine the right medication. In addition to medication, a behavioral plan, and closer supervision is needed. Bed alarms might help alert staff and is less restrictive. This is can be appropriately managed, every one has to work together to get your father the much needed help, he has always need. Now he just has a harder time suppressing his impulses.

Wow. If my mom were in a NH and some strange man tried to have sex with her, I sure hope the staff would remove that man!
And yes NH's do have behavior standards, and if the residents do not behave appropriately, or cannot, they can be evicted (maybe not if they are Medicaid, but private pay only facilities surely can evict anyone at any time for just about any reason, check the fine print).
Seniors have rights. That would include a right to not be oogled, groped, or sexually coerced. The instigator needs to be dealt with, whatever it takes, to get him to stop that nasty behavior.

Sheliaj, I don't think Medicare covers inflatible sex dolls, but it would be fun to find out. Ditto hookers. There are probably loads of ladies of the evening who are getting on in years who'd be happy to make outcalls to a nursing home.

Please talk to your doctor and see what he/she says about Celexa. My husband had the same problem and this SSRI has done the trick. Had him on whole tablets for a month, now down to half a tablet a day. We are getting a generic version through the Va and it seems to be OK. Apparently this is a very common, but not openly discussed problem.

Some Parkinsons meds may have increased sexual urges as a side effect, and it would seem only fair, if it is necessary to continue them, to try to balance that with another medication.

I know this is nasty and bizzzarrrr and I truly mean no offence but could one of those "blow up dolls" help maybe? ... Just a thought...

MPA (progesterone), estradiol (estrogen) and stilbestrol have all been used to diminish male urges. Although estrogens can be carcinogenic in women, they have the opposite effect in men. Some medications like Celexa and Prozac list diminished urges as a side effect. In theory, lower Serotonin caused men to increase sexual activity, higher levels put off the interest.
Now the question is, will the MD prescribe something? This where the NH should contact the MD about helping to control the behavior. Without control the patient is headed for a secure facility.

Tough situation; MPA is a drug that has been used successfully and safely even with men in their 90's.
It has been used to help pedophiles and other sexual predators.
It lowers the testosterone levels and has few side affects however, many facilities will not use it as it legally it has been defined as a "sexual restraint."
The other option you might explore is having him moved to an area that is populated mostly or all by other males.

Prescribing on a blog is a foolhardy and dangerous thing to do. Thank goodness doctors don't rely on our posts to determine their diagnoses and treatments.

I'm surprised no one has recommended the straightjacket and a length of lead piping as behaviour modification therapy.

Gotta go: it's time form my chlorpromazine!