Why is he so mean and horrible to me?

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ypiffani Asked July 2014

Why is he so mean and horrible to me?

he is kind and sweet and loving to bro and sis and everyone, but with me he is awful. I am here 24/7 and he just told me he can't wait for me to leave and the next time he sees me it'll be at his funeral. What the heck? he puts on this different face when others are around even when he was in the psych ward, they said he was no trouble and the sweetest man. Then he gets home and poof all of that is gone. He fell getting yogurt out of the fridge, I asked him to call me if he needed more food, he ate 2 tuna sandwiches and chips for lunch, oh and a banana. and he was still wanting food so he went to the fridge (partial paralysis and WAYY TOO unsteady to walk around for no reason). I can't pick him up alone anymore he is too weak to help and I've hurt my back too bad from him picking up his feet while you're lifting... does it always. He is stuck there until I can find someone to help get him up. I just don't know why he has to be so nasty... I was telling him I can't pick him up anymore, he told me "has anyone ever told you not to sh#$ where you sleep?" ... what does that mean? I asked. "F*&^ with me and I'll F)*& your world" why? because he has hurt me every time I try to pick him up off the floor? because I didnt' anticipate him wanting yogurt? why? now he's rolling around pulling everything off the shelves and out of the cabinets in the livingroom trying to "find" something to help him get up. How do you get someone into a home who can't afford to pay 5000 a month for care? without just giving them to the state? How do I get through this until we can get him placed? he can't be left alone he is too unpredictable and does such wacko stuff when he's alone.

Burnout

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score 2 · Answer 1

Could it be that he sees your care as usurping his authority as a parent, and his dignity as a man. My father was also mean and horrible till I changed muy approach. Now I clean, I do the laundry, pay the bills, clean up the messes, see to his medications, his BM's, cook delicious nutrious meals, but I do not help him unless he asks. When i want him to do something I ask. If he says no, I honor that. I see my role as facilitating his desires, not as keeping him safe. Now he has no dementia. When he tells me to do something; I say yes sir. We are both so much happier. I because I have laid down the burden of figuring out his needs, and he because he is still calling the shots. Now instead of nasty fights, we enjoy each other. It ain't easy but it works for us.

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score 3 · Answer 2

ypiffani, I don't know where you live. If you live in an area with 911 service, call them to get some help getting him up. Most of us women are not strong enough or trained well enough to do it on our own. We risk injuring them and ourselves. You may want to take the opportunity if he falls to have him taken to the ER to make sure he is okay and for evaluation. Tell them you do not feel competent to care for him anymore if you feel he needs to go to assisted living or a nursing facility. I have a feeling that if you try to do this on your own, your father will just fight you. When it comes time, maybe the people in the ER will help you get him the services that he needs. I know that your life is not pleasant at the moment. I wish you could be loved and appreciated, because you deserve it.

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score 6 · Answer 3

I think the answer to "Why is he so mean to me" is "because he has dementia." You once had a great relationship with the "real dad" but now you have a relationship with a demented stranger. It is Not His Fault. It is Not Your Fault.

Rather than trying to assign reason where reason has flown, spend your energy figuring out what he needs and how to provide it for him.

When you apply for Medicaid and Medicaid pays for a care center, that is not "giving him up to the state." That is getting financial aid to pay for what is needed. Being able to visit him without being responsible for him may restore your relationship. You can treat him as your father, not as a patient you are responsible for.

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score 3 · Answer 4

He's nasty to you because you're there, because he has and can continue to get away with it.

Honestly, if someone told me he couldn't wait for me to leave, I wouldn't keep him waiting.

You feel an obligation to him which he doesn't appreciate or reciprocate.

Dementia or not, I'd be considering getting out and letting him fend for himself. Cruel? Perhaps. But is he cruel to you? Definitely yes.

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score 1 · Answer 5

I like the video tape. You can get a granny cam that he won't know it's a camera. I have one that looks like a radio, if I could just figure out how to use it lol.

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score 3 · Answer 6

So sorry you have to go through this. They say the caregiver gets the blunt of anger/aggression because are the ones that are around them and can actually see their decline. It's as if their pride takes over. Awful just awful.

If it were me, I'd video tape his old cranky ass and whip it out to show the others so it's just not YOU who gets to witness his behavior.

Good luck!!

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Why is he so mean and horrible to me?

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