Mom has lived with me for the last 7 months under the doctors orders of 24/7 and can't live alone anymore. She moved in with me, I quit my full time job to care for her. She is stronger but the dementia is getting worse. She thinks now that she feels stronger she can go back home and live by herself again and unfortunately the one brother she thinks walks on water agrees with her so he pushes for her to come back home. what can I do? None of my other siblings are willing to stay with her
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Also, if your mom likes to repeat things because she forgets she's already said them, then put the phone number for the siblings on the wall so your mom can call phone them every 5 minutes to repeat the same story. That usually convinces the person things are not right.
- Is he able to maintain some kind of daily routine? Like awake in the day and sleeping at night?
My mom got to the point where she'd stay up all night, all day, and then sleep for another day, missing her meds & meals. She acted like a bratty kid when anybody tried to talk about it with her. She was on strong meds that just could not be skipped or taken "whenever" and had to be taken with food. She actually said to me: "You can't make me go to bed! I'll go to bed when I feel like it! If you put me in bed I won't sleep!" For a second there, she turned into an overtired 4 year old in front of me.
Since you are geographically close by is get him to the doc for a cognitive eval. You probably need to talk to the doc or his nurse ahead of time to explain your concerns and how you need their help to get dad into a safer situation.
Be able to articulate several very concrete things that concern you, not just "age".
- Can he manage his meds alone?
- Can he prepare meals safely, and actually eat them at appropriate times in the day?
- Can he manage his bills & money?
- Can he make and keep appointments?
- Does he need help with any routine daily tasks?
- Would he know what to do and be able to do it if the house caught fire?
- Is he keeping up with housework and personal hygiene?
- Is his personality mostly the same as before, like 5 or 10 years ago?
- Is he aware of his changed state and accepting of the changes to come or is he hostile about the future?
***If you stopped going over there to help, what would it turn into?***
This is a major consideration. You can't drop your life to pick up the pieces that will get bigger & bigger.
There's tons of articles on the site about signs to look for and how to have the conversation with your parent. It kind of depends on their personality.
There will come a point where sense has to prevail over what dad says he can do and keeping the status quo. The doctor can help you.
Has anyone got POA?
The same social worker (if your mother does not have much money) can get you paid for caregiving. I agree get a power of attorney and get your mom to a neurologist who can give her a test and declare she needs 24/7 care.
That is the problem with Alzheimer's or dementia, the person does not realize, they need help, their minds do not know valuable information is just missing (when we forget where our keys are, they think it is only that minor, sometimes they themselves(mom) are in denial).
1. Do not talk with your brother about the POA (poa papers are available on the internet for free) get it first, have mom sign it with a notary available at any currency exchange, immediately.
2. Make an appointment with the neurologist and talk about your suspicions that your mother might have dementia or might need 24/7 care. Have her take the test...
3. if your brother gives you any grief call the social worker you are afraid for your mother to fall into a no care situation...
4. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, but don't expect that people will help you because "it is the"right thing to do" most siblings do not help, but you could talk to the Social Worker about it...and maybe with some counseling siblings could pull together about mom, but you know how some people feel about counseling???so don't expect magic there. Good luck!
When push comes to shove, have them put their money where there mouth is!
Pay up or Shut UP! We're all doing the best we can and more power to us.
I'm always amazed at all the good advice and kind words (and yes sometimes harsh, but needed) comments. This web site is a blessing as well as all who take time to help.
Like Eyerishlass said, tell him that he is welcome to care for her half of the time, and he will most likely see how much work is involved in caring for her. He might change his tune on the longterm care.
For your own sanity, try an adult day program for your mom where you know she'll be safe. My grandma goes twice a week, and it allows me some room to breathe and feel normal. Also, get your mom on a waiting list for longterm care now. My grandma has been on a waiting list since Feb. 2014, and she's only halfway down the list...she probably has a few more months before she'll get placed. Hang in there! I seriously know what you're going through.
You can and must take charge and just be prepared to do what is necessary regardless of anybody else.
Facing the truth of decline is very difficult and many people will go to great lengths to stay away from the truth of things. They find themselves in a living h*ll, with their parent suffering and their own health & wellbeing suffering at the same time. They find themselves strapped with all the work, all the burden, and no help coming from anybody in the family. Then they come to this site on the verge of a total mental and physical breakdown.
If you needed a full time job paycheck before, you STILL DO, so you need to setup things so you can get back to work. Putting yourself in financial jeopardy is NOT the right thing to do. If you couldn't just stop working before all this, then you still need to work and have income. That didn't change.
My mom is 76, requires 24/7 care, can't be alone, and has moderately-severe Alzheimers impairment. Make no mistake though, she can get up and haul it down the hallway with her walker and she can sit up, look bright eyed, and have a conversation with you for really short periods of time. She demands to be sent back to her house, she fiercely insists she can too live alone and then starts in on being held hostage in a hell hole. She is incapable of understanding her disability anymore. She denies having Alzheimers. She is so mixed up most of the time, but she comes across as totally confident and totally right about what she's saying. Taking mom out of the care center and bringing her home with me simply because she is very passionate about doing that would be the WRONG thing to do for her. And for me. I have to work. I have kids. Our home is our sanctuary from life. I am not skilled or trained as a 24/7 caregiver to somebody on the edge of severe Alzheimers impairment. This is not like nursing somebody through chicken pox. It gets worse, more demanding, and a lot uglier. It does not get better and it could go on for 10+ years.
I have aunts who don't know jack from shinola about how mom is, who are angry with me for moving mom out of her house in the country and into care. They refuse to accept the reality of her Alzheimers and what that means. They are blind as a bat to the squalor she was living in and the bills that had gone to collections, and God forbid they step in and actually help her. But I don't care and it doesn't matter what they think. THEY weren't willing to lift a finger to make anything better, so it fell 100% into my lap to fix it. THEY do not get a vote here until they pitch in, take action, and stop directing from the sidelines.
YOU have to get reasonable and sane decisions made. YOU have to put aside what siblings all think without really knowing and TAKE ACTION for your mom's safety. It's not about what's comfy for you, or convenient, it's about SAFETY for mom. Do not take one ounce of criticism from anybody else in the family. When they come over to relieve you for an 8 hour shift 3 times a week, then they get to vote.
If you are debating moving her out of your house or not consider this:
1. Do you have on-site skilled nursing staff 24/7 at home?
2. Do you have nursing support staff available 24/7 at home?
3. Is your house configured to have no fall hazards?
4. Do you have memory-care therapy, activities and programming at your house? E.g. re-learning, music & pet therapy, etc.
5. Who is offsetting the cost of care in your home? E.g. food, cleaning materials, washing machine wear & tear, the time and pay this is costing you directly? None of this is free.
6. Do you have fresh staff to come on duty at regular hours to relieve you?
7. Are you prepared to deal with the round-the-clock-plus care aging dementia patients require? E.g. night wandering, pacing, hallucinations, outbursts, etc.
If you can't meet those kinds of needs, then you really have to look into placement for your mom. Use your area agency on aging. Most states have one with a hotline you can call to get started looking for the right kind of place.