What do you do when a non-family member tries to take control of an elderly person?

Musiclady; My heart goes out to you. You seem to be in a largely untenable situation. I don't know if your mother has been diagnosed with dementia; you say that she has refused psychiatric evaluations. I think that with a person who is stubborn enough to make caregiving nearly impossible, you have to think about your own health and welfare first and "detach with love" as some have put it.

Every time a older person makes a move it is traumatic. To move her even farther away from her family, who does care, is very traumatic. I know my mother has moved 3 times with hospital and rehab and I see the toll it takes on her. It's very challenging to the caregiver and only living child to have to help facilitate this move. There is no easy way to put it. So when others, no matter how well intentioned, try to "help" without checking with the responsible party it becomes very difficult.
No one to my knowledge can get her to submit to a psychiatric evaluation. Believe me they have tried. She refuses. In fact she refuses even the food at the AL. That got her into trouble when the fire department was called when she tried to cook. I guess it was the last thing that she felt she had some control over. My heart goes out to her loosing control but it happens. For the time being I will retain POA until I am replaced or the drama becomes too much. Case Manager has been contacted. It is time for some professional help.

MusicLady; just went back and read some of your other posts. So, AL is evicting your mom; it's THEIR responsiblity, I believe, to make sure that she is transferred to another appropriate placement. what sort of evaluation has been done on her? Is she competent?

Ask the SW at the AL what THEIR plan is for your mom; what are they suggesting as her next placement. You will cooperate with them in calling places that they suggest, but you are far away. The idea of a geriatric care manager looks really good to me from where I sit. WWJD? Is this "friend" suggesting that you should take mom home with you? Or give up your life to come and live with mom where she is? As I suggested above, you could find a facility in your home town and move mom, but it sounds like mom needs 24/7 care.

Is this the person who brought the microwave to you mom after it was decided that your mom was no longer capable of cooking? Do you still have POA? Do you still WANT to have POA?

When it became clear to us that mom was no longer able to live in Independent Living or a regular AL (she'd had a stroke, had some dementia, was paranoid) it ALSO became clear to us that she needed to be close, geographically, to one of her caregiving children. Formerly, we were each at least an hour away from her and thus any ER she would be taken to. Even in these days of electronic medical records, ER personnel continue to ask the demented and stroked out patient questions like "do you have Diabetese?", to which my mom inevnitably answers yes (my dad had diabetes, or maybe she's just trying to be agreeable. You havev no idea how hard it is to get insulin stopped, once it's started!) We researched Memory care units and NHs in each of our areas. The best options were near my middle brother, in Connecticut, so that's where she is.

My point is, at a certain point in this journey, you can't do this stuff long distance. Moving your mom is going to be traumatic for all involved, but if she's being evicted, it's inevitable, isn't it? Are there memory units near where you live that would be appropriate? Can you hire a geriatric care manager near where she is to take over the day to day management of her care? This is something that worked out great for my cousins; it kept the family drama to a minimum. It sounds like the "friend" may either have a limited understanding of your mom's dementia and the need to keep her safe, or maybe has some dementia herself? WWJD? Do remember the anger over the moneychangers in the Temple? I think that's what he'd do. Get really angry over something that was so wrong. Is this lady trying to burn down your mom's "home"? And that of others as well? That would certainly make Jesus angry. Tell her that, from me!

Jesus might remind the AL place about the HYPPA laws ( I think this is how you spell it) Who has POA? Is this woman getting money from your mother? There are many parasites that roam these NH and AL looking for elderly that don't seem to have involved family and because the loved one is lonely/dementia is easy prey for this kind of creature, I won't call her a wolf, would be an insult to wolves.I would be very concerned for your mother and would let the AL know you are will be notifiying law enforcement, this woman could be some kind of "black widow" for seniors.

No this person is not being restrained from being my mother's friend. No one in the family has had any issues with her until she decided to interfere in my mothers care at the AL. My mother is allowing her to become a part of this situation. This person begin to get more involved when my mother went into AL.
Since I do not live in the same state as my mother I can't be there as much as she thought I could. Hence this person began to visit more. My mother was asked to leave the AL. She will be evicted in about a week. I guess to this person she thought she could do more for my mother than I could and begin to look for a place without even talking to me. Hmm WWJD?

I think we need some more details. Your profile says that your mother has age related decline. It also says that you no longer want to be her POA and that your relationship with her has broken down? I haven't read your other posts, so there is no context here; what sort of interfering is this woman doing? Does your MOTHER want this woman to stop interfering?


If she is physically entering your mom's premises without permission, then law enforcement should be involved. This would also apply to harassing phone calls and attempts to visit. A restraining order could be obtained.