Who do you contact if: your grandfather (84) has dementia, has a ton of money and a nurse that is working her way to his money?

After my aunt had a stroke and years went by, her husband needed a caretaker for her. After my aunt died he married the caretaker. Eyebrows were raised, but as time went by she took wonderful care of him and was a wonderful addition to the extended family group. He died and she is still looking in on relatives, out of the goodness of her heart.

Who do you contact? A lawyer. Sounds like your aunt is on the right path.

First, surely he has a POA or someone who is looking after him besides the nurse--who has DPOA? Even if someone doesn't officially have POA, if he has documented dementia and was/is in hospice then someone responsible should quickly take control of his banking, finances and put the money in a safe account such that grandfather can't access it readily. Then provide a monthly allowance or transfer funds to a regular checking where you can electronically monitor and see where the checks are going. If he writes an exorbitant check then it will bounce and the nurse, church, charity won't get large sums that aren't intended.

Secondly, I would monitor this nurses activity very closely and her dealings with grandfather. If you are suspicious, have a conversation with her politely and let her know that you hope she keeps her interaction on a professional level and let her know that dad's finances are now being handled by "son Joe" so if she needs payment, she'll need to document hrs, care, expenses, etc and submit a weekly invoice. That gives YOU the control and prevents granddad from being taken advantage of.

If you suspect he is being scammed or taken advantage of, then report to APS. Make sure you have documentation of facts to back your claim.

Angel, I didn't accuse your or infer that you were lying or are interested in his money. I asked because the method by which you received the information makes a difference in its validity. If you had told me your GF told you what you related, I would have said take it with a grain of salt because of his dementia.

People come here and ask for assistance but don't provide all the facts. Sometimes it's necessary to ask blunt questions not only to find out what the situation is but also to ensure that we're not being led astray by a troll, which has happened more than a few times.

I am wondering if the nurse was just going along with his dinner invitation to be courteous to him. I've seen a lot of medical people do that - they know that some older folk need that kind of support and they provide it. They also know that it isn't taken seriously; in some ways, it's just part of the care they provide, to keep the patients happy.

I wouldn't expect this nurse to care for him out of kindness; be prepared for her to ask for decent compensation, if she really does intend to help him. Again, she may just have said that to placate him.

It sounds like your aunt is on the right track.

It also sounds as though your GF has some delusions that make care for him harder, especially if he feels he can move back to a farm. This might be part of the dementia or it could be that he's a strong person and isn't ready to give up and accept a more sedate lifestyle yet.

I do hope your aunt is able to get some assistance from the attorney. I hope she or someone in the family can get a DPOA so that she can take over his finances as well.

That's a good start.

Ok, first I must say when it asked me who i was a caregiver for, It did not give me the option to say I am his granddaughter and someone else is his caregiver. I am in Indiana, He is in southern Indiana. My stepfather is taking care of him and his sister's do. Hospice is involved. He is rich enough to decide that he wants to live somewhere other than a hospice center. He does have dementia, he does have it documented and he also pays nurses to come in, out of his own pocket. He THINKS he can take this woman to dinner. He THINKS he can still drive. He THINKS she would be interested in him for a relationship. As I said he has dementia, he is not in his right mind. How do I know all of this, you ask. Because my stepfather and my mother, brothers and sister, aunts and cousins all have been dealing with him(caring for and all of that) for the last six months. He has told my stepdad all of this information. My aunt is calling an attorney tomorrow. Something has to be done to stop him from making huge mistakes. He forgot he gave his church a check for 80,000 six months ago. He was planning on writing another check this week for 70,000. because he forgot he already gave them a hefty check.
He isnt well enough to take this woman to dinner, but he THINKS he is. He has a heart condition, seizures because of diabetes, breathing issues and a host of other ailments. My question is, what business does a 50 year old woman have in an 84 year old man who is dying? This is my family and I am concerned with his well being, as well as what my grandparents have worked for, their whole lives so it can be handed down to the family. When my grandmother passed away, he went downhill fast. I came here asking for help, I did not come here to be treated like I am lying or that I am just interested in his money or whatever. And yes, there is written documentation about how they were going to divide the money. I told my aunt to also ask the attorney to talk to the insurance people about this money he just received. This woman quit her job, today. He is now planning on moving back to the farm(he had moved into an apartment, closer to my stepfather) He cannot take care of himself. He cannot be left alone, and he isnt. This woman inserted herself "out of the kindness of her heart" and has stated that she will take care of him on her time off. I call bs. I am just trying to help my family. That is why I came here asking for help on who to contact.

It just occured to me....how can he take this woman out to dinner if he's ill enough to be in hospice?

Your profile states that you’re caring for GF in AL, but your post states your GF is in hospice. Could you clarify? Is GF in AL or in hospice? It would make a difference because if the latter, I’m assuming he doesn’t have the mobility to get to a bank to deposit a check.

First, just to clarify, how did you become aware of these developments, including the information on the settlement as well as your suspicions about the nurse? Has your GF told you? And if so, given his dementia, what action has been taken to verify the statements?

Second, what are the circumstances and the documentation providing that the settlement of the suit will be divided between him and his 3 children? Who are the named plaintiffs? Are the 3 children included in the lawsuit as plaintiffs?

Third, if not, is there written documentation on this proposed distribution, and if so, who drafted it and who has copies? Who is it between? Your GF and the insurance carrier, your GF and the 3 children, or who else?

Fourth, when you say "settlement", are you referring to an agreement with the insurance carrier (via its defense counsel), or a jury award in a suit, or the actual check?

It's been years since I've done med mal, so the following is based on procedure at that time. Typically, for the first 2 circumstances, the insurance carrier's counsel would order the check, and when received by that counsel would require a Release to be signed by all plaintiffs before the check would be delivered to one of them (being the person with whom counsel had primary contact or someone they might designate).

But I would not think it likely that your GF, given his dementia, assuming your counsel is aware of it, would be given the check, especially if he’s in hospice.

In addition, there may be an issue whether he can actually sign a Release on his own behalf if there’s a declaration of dementia.

If GF and the 3 children are plaintiffs, the insurance carrier will issue a check to all 4 people, jointly, and each would likely have to endorse the check when it's deposited.

Fifth, given your GF’s dementia, who holds DPOA and has access to his bank account? There’s no mention of this in your post or profile.

Sixth, in whose account will it be deposited? Some banks will accept checks for deposit without signature if there's no money to be taken as cash from the deposit. GF could in fact do that, then issue a check to the new friend, IF that's his intention, unless whoever has been named in the DPOA as having financial authority has taken away his checkbook.

Seventh, if your GF was sole plaintiff and has already received a check directly, and deposited it, I'm not sure what you can do except attempt to reason with the bank and present documentation reflecting his dementia, or as Pam suggests, pursue guardianship.

Eighth, if there is written documentation of the arrangement with the 3 children, and he reallocates the money, he's in breach of the contract and could be sued, but I don't think you'd really want to do that.

What I would do first thing tomorrow, however, is contact the attorney who handled the lawsuit and/or the insurance carrier to confirm who the payees are. If it’s only your GF contact his bank, assuming you know which one it is.

You might also ask the attorney what you could do if GF deposits the check and issues another to the new friend, although I don’t know how you would actually know he did that unless he tells you.

Something else you might do if you really suspect this woman is ask the attorney how to get a background check on her. It could just be coincidence that she’s quit her job and she may be just a friendly person. You could also ask the facility where she worked if they did a background check. I doubt they’d reveal the results, but it might assuage your concern.

You get a good lawyer and get a Guardian appointed. ASAP.