I look after my Mother who is in her early nineties and has very poor sight and heart problems. My husband and I moved here to look after her and also because at the time, she was a great help to me. My husband has always been fond of alcohol and with two small children, he wasn't pulling his weight. I needed surgery and it was my Mom who was there for me and helped me with the children and with my post-op recovery. But then her needs got greater and now she is deaf can't see and is needing my input all the time. Husband spends every spare minute out at bars and comes in drunk every night. Mum is trying to get me to throw him out. I feel so torn. I know he is unhappy too but he is now at the stage where he has quit his job without warning me first he would do that, also he is in with a drunken circle of single alcoholic friends at the bars and they are persuading him to leave me and he's talking about moving to Spain. We have two teenagers and I don't know what to do or where to start. He won't discuss anything with me just says he is waiting for me to throw him out so he can live his own life. Can anyone help me sort this mess out. I don't know what I can do. He turns his back to me whenever I try and ask him to open up about how he feels. He has always said he liked living with my Mom but I think he has lied so as not to hurt me and the resentment has built up. What should I do next? I can't see the way ahead.
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DL, find ALANON! For families of alcoholics. They also have Alateen for children of alcoholics, find them for your children. It will help them to develop methods of coping with their Dad's illness.
All have made very valid statements. Maggie came closest to what I am thinking. You are enabling your husband and this is not just recently, it has been going on for many years. And your children are at a very impressionable time in their lives. If you continue to enable by accepting inappropriate behavior you are teaching you children that thus is OK. Forget about hubby, send him on his way, enjoy and keep your children safe and content. Are kids grades showing a decline? Could be they are not happy with the home situation either but do not know how to tell you.
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Maybe you could do a trial separation, then decide where to go from there. Being married to an alcoholic is horrible, so you have my sympathy. AlAnon is a great idea of a place to start. People there will know what you are going through. You may get the best advice from people who have been there.
If your mother is in her early nineties, and she was a great help to you when your children were small and your husband wasn't pulling his weight, and you're in your early fifties, so your kids are now, what… how long exactly have you been living in your mother's house?
I echo Jeanne's point about your husband's never having been what you'd call a tower of strength.
"Where do you start?" indeed. Because this is an old, old situation which must contain an awful lot of detail.
What's brought it to a head for you?
Do you think your mother is right? She can be fed up on her own account of having a drunk around the house taking up your attention. But she could also be desperate to get her daughter free of this man before she's no around to help.
I don't see how any of us can know. LadeeM and ProfeChari have both generously shared their perspectives and you would be wise to heed them; but the fact is that 'every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way' and you need counsel based on the particulars of your own history. I think Al-Anon is great idea; do you also have Relate or any similar organisations near you?
It is very hard to be a loving person in your situation. Big hugs to you. Just be confident that everybody - all of us here, your mother, probably your husband and I'm sure your children - wants things to turn out well for you.
And most important of all, you HAVE made a start. Well done, it can't have been easy.
I pray you really consider this.... you can find them in the phone book and there are online Alanon meetings if you are unable to go out...... please come back and let us know how you are.......
The attention you spend on your mom MAY be part of the problem. But face it, he wasn't there for you BEFORE you started caring for Mom. In fact, it was Mom you turned to because your marriage was not working.
If your husband is willing to work with you on repairing your marriage, if he will go to counseling with you, if the two of you can work together on what you learn in counseling, then go for it! Put effort into it even if you have to get some additional help for Mom.
But if he is still not willing to carry his weight, you are probably better off with him in Spain. Be sure to have a lawyer to look after your interests. (Do you think he quit his job in order to avoid child support?)