How do you deal with siblings who do not offer any help and support?

Brandy, funny you mention to tell them to clean up after themselves. My sis that comes to fix breakfast and take mom to church on Sundays always makes a point of telling me she cleaned up because she didn't want to leave a mess for me. The funny part is she will copy mom's guardian, who sees it for what it is, on those emails. Guardian recognizes the self patting of the back. Guardian has been involved for 10 months now and recognizes the dysfunction for what it is.

I certainly would not entertain them, cook for them, or otherwise. When they came to visit, I would say going to the library, movies, or just going out. Be assertive. Tell them that they should clean up after themselves before they leave. If they don't then hire the someone to clean up. I know how it is but on the other hand. I am the one that is accused of being the "bad" sib. I am dancing as fast as I can, believe me.

Use the suggestions already posted to request specific help. It may improve matters a lot. Or it may not. For 15 months I asked my brother each month for a total of 4 hours of his time providing transportation for our Mom. He did it two months. I guess that is two more than If I hadn't kept asking, but certainly not a good response. The other 6 kids all pitch in for Ma.

Also DO NOT entertain them. When they come visiting, you go out! Or if you really enjoy spending time with them, tell them what to bring for dinner, etc., as other posters have suggested.

But for your mental health, the best thing is to accept that in terms of caring for Mom you are no different that an only child. You are not responsible for your siblings' decisions. Let it go or it will eat you up.

Hi I have been living with and helping my father with my mother who is 24/7 care and my siblings did nothing. I lived with them for 6.5 years and suddenly my father turned on me and with the help of my siblings (who I dont speak to) are taking me to court to take the house off me. We own it together and I pay all bills including mortgage, gas, electricity, taxes even foxtel for my mother. I am now estranged from both parents and paying legal costs. I have had to move out as not only have they gone after me they have put violent restraining orders on my children. One sibling has been estranged from parents for over 5 years and she is trying to look like the best daughter ever.

I would do even LESS than LearningCurve suggests. Just don't have them over at all. If they want to see their mother, they can take her for a weekend and give you a break.

When my MIL was at our house most of her last year, I would call my sisters-in-law and tell them it was their turn to granny-sit for the weekend or a few days, and point out that our kids were watching and learning how to take care of grandma, and some day WE were going to be the grandma!

These are some very helpful suggestions! I am going to try some of them and see if I can alleviate some of my stress. Caring for my mom is not a stress. It is having sibs who do not even acknowledge it that is stressful.

I would let it go.
I would not entertain them & would let them know to bring their own party supplies when they come to visit. Also to clean up after themselves before they leave. "By the way, can you pick up some ..... " and give them a list of things for your mom so they don't come empty handed. You are not a doormat.
You deserve some respect and if they will not assist you do not enable them.

I just took my 92 year old Dad on a family vacation, something we have done for over forty years. I have 6 siblings whose family where all down in Chicoteague also. My wonderful sister helen, the only one who helps said to each one of them what day are you taking Dad. It forced everyone of them to help. I actually got a semi vacation. Plus everyone saw how much work goes into making Dad's life possible. The direct approach works best. Maybe "what day are you taking Mom" would work for you. Maggie has the right idea. Spend Mom's money to make your life easier. I have a cleanng lady, and a woman who comes in twice a week to give me a break. She is wonderful, does the laundry, makes Dad laugh. What a difference having some time to yourself makes in your stress levels.

Joy- Whitney, I know how very frustrating it is to have siblings that do not help. Some siblings will cause additional stress by calling authorities to report some sort of abuse. Simply put you need to stop feeding your anger by realizing siblings will not help. Find the help you need, take a bit of respite time each week and pay for it with Mom's money or ask siblings to contribute their time or funds so you can get away.

If some positive response comes from siblings, be pleasantly surprises. This is probably the most that they can do.

I wish I had an answer for you, as I am going through the same situation myself. Sibling(s) that do not help out, in my opinion, doubles the stress levels of the sibling(s) that are doing the caregiving. It's not like a job situation, where one could report a person for slacking off, and perhaps the person could get fired. Sibling(s) that don't help out know darn well that they can get away with it, and they don't give a hoot. I guess the best thing to do is to try to not think about it. Easier said, than done. In addition, I've tried to cut back on coffee (caffeine), as caffeine magnifies stress, and that can help some, if you drink caffeinated beverages.

Joysd,
Assertiveness is worth a try. But do not be surprised if it doesn't work. Some siblings are just that way, they may feel that they don't need to because YOU are doing everything. Pressuring them into guilt will just cause bad feelings and dysfunction. Just realize that they will not do anything to help, then accept it and continue to do what you can for your Mom.

I honestly don't understand how siblings can behave that way. A loving daughter has stepped up to the plate, taken in their mom at great personal sacrifice...and they don't show their appreciation in clear and tangible ways. How does this happen?? But it does. Often.

My answer to how you deal with siblings who don't offer is not to WAIT for them to offer. Be assertive. Here's how: when they come over to visit, you plan on going out for a few hours. "Oh, I'm so GLAD you came today! I have some banking errands to do. I'll be back by 4:00." When/if they call in advance, ask them to stop and pick up some bakery for dessert. If it's around dinner time, ask them to stop and pick up a rotisseried chicken for YOUR family's dinner. Or stop at McDonald's and pick up a half-dozen fruit yogurts or sundaes all around. In other words, you have them make their OWN party.

Make a point of calling them once in a while and asking what day next week they'll be free (if they work, make it an evening) so you can have a little personal down time. That ought to get you 3 respite days a month, and not impose ONE LITTLE IOTA on them.

Spend your mom's Social Security check making YOUR life easier. That might be a cleaning lady. It could be Adult Daycare for mom. (My mom goes 1X a week. I pack her a lunch -- from 7:30 AM to 5:30 PM -- for $58/week.) Maybe you hire a personal caregiver to bath her once a week. (Not like your mom plays in mud puddles.) I have that service for mom -- $30/week.

If you don't have a home doctor for your mom, look into it. Mom has one that comes once a month. It is a GODSEND!! He even answers his own cell phone. OMG! She has a podiatrist that comes to the house every six weeks like clockwork. Neither cost mom a penny. Medicare.

Use some of her money to hire a baby-sitter equivalent (professional) for your mom at home. Even if all you do is go to the library for three hours. Have your mom treat your family to delivered dinner once a week -- like pizza or Chinese. If she can't eat like that, you can just give her a taste with something else she really likes.

I know you didn't ask about other services, but I can't help but think that, if you're not availing yourself of some of them, you're probably a bit overwhelmed after four years with your 93-year-old mom living there. I think some people think they have to save-save-save mom's money. No. She saved it for a rainy day, and it's pouring outside. Time to open up the umbrella.