My mother-in-law is making my life h*ll. Any advice?

Will list out her behaviour please tell me what U feel about her

1) When I talk with her , she replies Rudely

2) When we take her out with us , she will be normal at home , when we bth go out and come back, She wont have dinner that day and pretends as though she is not well (this has happened couple of times)

3) As I have mentioned earlier, She blasted my husband only because he didn't call her in the noon (He had talked to her in the morning , and after that directly at night) when we both were on a 2 day holiday

4) when I had planned for a surprise outing on my husbands b'day, she asked him to attend some others relative pooja and scolded him saying, Y r you only obeying her words....... This is heights..... Whats my fault.... I cant plan my husbands birthday?? we both cancelled our plan and went to attend that boring relative pooja ... this is heights

4) On weekends, she keep on cribbing clean this that , fridge , windows, interferes in everything

5) Want me to get up early even on weekends

6) insulted me in front of one relative

7) pretends in front of others , and behaves nicely with me just to show others... How can she act????


8) She is not happy even if we want to go abroad.... She want to be with us and She want both of us to take care of her ...

9) On festivals she doesn't want me to visit my mother....

10) She sits idle at home doesn't cook nothing.. after I gof rom office , I need to cook .... In the morning also she wills it in front of the TV

12) She even interferes about the language me and my husband speak.. She scold him , if v both speak in our language ...

Really my life is messed up because of her and one more point.,,, She want to stay with us only ..... she doesn't want to go to her house itseems.... Please Help.... I want o lead a peaceful life with my husband....

Riya, does your family worship somewhere, where you can speak to someone? Most religious institutions have people there you can go to. Speak to someone there first, then go with your husband, because he needs to be part of the solution too. Your problem is universal. There are probably more "mean mother-in-law" jokes than all other jokes put together! Good luck.

Oh! - sorry, just saw your second post. So… what was she expecting, then?

Ah.

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm really sorry that you're having a hard time, but your MIL is upset, isn't she.

Is your husband her only son?

The thing is, you won't need me to tell you that all mothers have certain expectations of their adult sons, and Indian mothers… have legendary expectations. I know you know that better than I do.

I think perhaps your husband might have been rather naïf? If you and he are both young working professionals, with a progressive outlook on life, did he perhaps expect his mother to 'come round' to his way of thinking?

It sounds as if she is pretending to, to please him, but hasn't in her heart of hearts. And although hypocrisy is wrong, what is she to do? How can she change her own core hopes, values and beliefs simply because her son asks her to?

Well, now. Of course I'm guessing, and I'm sure the background is much more complicated than that, but there you are, with a number of options available to you.

1. Give up. Get out before children arrive and somebody gets really hurt.
2. Revise your expectations of your MIL. Come on, you know what her problem is. You know what the perfect Indian DIL is like, and it starts with her being the mother's approved choice. And goes on to her becoming the perfect housewife, mother, chair of key local committees and most highly-paid member of the legal/medical/dental profession in town. Oh, and MIL's Best Best Friend. Which doesn't give you much of a chance, but you have to play the cards you've got. You're very young, and that means MIL is going to be with you for many years to come. Can you get used to her? Do you have enough patience, determination, compassion and faith in your marriage to make this work?
3. I know we're not supposed to mention this any more, but are there dowry issues outstanding?
4. What about your own family? Can you talk this over with your own mother, do you have any sisters to confide in? What is their attitude to your husband?

You mention opportunities to go abroad - do you mean for a vacation, or for work, or as a permanent move?

How long ago did your MIL lose her husband? Before or after you married?

I'm sorry to bombard you with so many questions, I'd just like to understand better what's going on.

correction ... its Love come arranged marriage :)....

I am 27 yrs old and married since 2 years.... ours is Love marriage.... Initially, I tried to take care of her , in return got rude reply from her. and now pretending to be nice in front of others, Just to show them how nice she is.... She is 2 faced lady....

Suttee is illegal now, isn't it?

Ah well, that rules that answer out then.

Joking aside, Riya, how old are you? How long have you been married? And - if you don't mind my asking - was your MIL happy with how you and your husband met and married?

Riya, the answers you have been getting are from a North American viewpoint. Here, no that behavior is NOT right. But I can't say what is expected in India.

I am a widow. I am healthy. There is NO WAY it would be right for me to live in my son's home and make demands and be judgmental. It would not be right for me to be rude to my daughter-in-law whether I lived with her or not.

If you lived in Indiana and not in India I would not hesitate to tell you that your Mother in Law should move out NOW and that if your husband won't arrange that you should think long and hard about whether to stay in that marriage.

But I can't tell you what is "right" in India.

It is not that family don't live with each other here. One son and one step-daughter are living in my house. They pay rent and for food, and that income allows me to afford to continue to keep the house. We respect each other. There are never rude words spoken. We each do the tasks we've agreed to. I clean the windows whenever I think they need cleaning and if one of them doesn't like that they are welcome to clean the windows themselves! :) I "wait on" them for dinner, because providing meals is something they are paying me for. (I love cooking.) I don't wait on them for anything else.

We each go where we want to and when. We tell each other when we will be gone, for meal planning purposes, but I don't expect either of them to take me with them. Nor would I always want them with me! We do things together sometimes because we like to. But just because I am a widow doesn't make them responsible for my entertainment!

I am just trying to explain that the North American attitude is not that different generations of family can't live together. It is that one family member is not expected to wait on others, and in no circumstances (among healthy people) is rudeness acceptable.

(And here, generally for a son to call his mother 3 times a day while he is vacationing with his wife would be considered excessive and maybe not quite healthy. But I have no idea how it is viewed in India.)

Yes we are from India.... My husband has spoke to her . Her house is in different city. She behaves as though she is the only lady who has given birth, and keep on torturing us. If v go for 2 day holiday, she want my husband to call her frequently... thrice a day... If he doesn't do so, she will blast him...She says "I am alone here. and u both are enjoying there..." Is this Right????

Riya, I'm with MaggieMarshall on this one. The real problem is your husband. He needs to put his foot down pronto. Mom would be out and back to her own home in a New York minute if he would not let her be the tyrant. Why does he let this continue? We only get one life. Why allow yours and his be so miserable? You are never going to change her. She is what she is. Do something today.

Not enough information here to make much useful comment. How old is MIL, does she have illnesses, dementia or physical impairments? What cultural issues are there? Is your hubs ok with all of this? How far away is her home? Can she live there with help? What brought her to your home in the first place? Are there other family members to support her and help?

Actually she is a Widow. She says what will I do at native. I will stay here with you both. I know the reason , she is possessive and doesn't want her son to be completely mine. She want to stay her and judge us.

If your husband were very supportive, your mother-in-law wouldn't be living with you. Your problem may manifest itself in your MIL; but your real problem is your husband.

Thanks for the reply :)... She has messed up our life.. She is really very dominating.. n very Rude even with her son. But touchwood my husband is very supportive. If we get an opportunity to go abroad , she is not Ok with that. She behaves as though she is the only woman who has the son. To gain his attention, she will be acting always. I m really shocked. How can a mother be like this? She is so possessive about him , that even if we are talking in our bedroom , she will ask what's the matter (ex. if we are laughing for some joke). Mental Torture is more.... And she is 2 faced. In front of my husband and others , she behaves very nicely with me. and hides her

That sounds like a nightmare. Is your MIL from a culture where the daughter-in-law is expected to wait on her hand and foot? Does she live with you? Why won't she go back to her house?
You need to have a talk with your husband. It's his mother, his problem. Tell him you're tired from working full-time and you want to spend weekends doing things with him, and not cleaning windows. I'm afraid that if your husband doesn't have your back on this you're going to be in for a rough ride, especially if he won't man up and put his wife and his marriage first.