Granted, at 92, her attention span has shortened, but I wish she would do more than just sit. She has very little signs of dementia... I end up feeling guilty for not "entertaining" her. She won't even watch TV! I'm going to go to the library and check out huge books with beautiful photos... maybe that'll help. She doesn't even want to do puzzles, or word games or anything. Any advice?
20 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
If your folks were readers but have vision problems, perhaps books on tape would work for them.
Oh how I wished they would have moved to that really grand retirement community just down the road, which they can easily afford. They are missing out on so much. Dad loves to swim and that place has an indoor pool. And all the new friends they would have made.... sad.
ADVERTISEMENT
But, I think she has turned inward and she doesn't care for anything or almost anyone at this point. As far as strangers go. It's not totally true regarding me though, because she'll often thank me profusely for the things I do. She gets very grateful, which I think is so sweet. But she doesn't try to engage in conversation... even when I sit there in front of her during meals. Like, I even have to come up with all the things to talk about. Whew! So, as you say, I do it when I'm able, and that's as far as it goes.
So... you are totally right, and when I'm freed from the guilt, I am a better caregiver! I have been able to acquire in home health help daily... and I'm seeing that even with other people there, she does not behave any different. Except she's irked that I'm taking breaks.... you can't win! ha ha
So, thank you again, you are so right and you articulated your thoughts so distinctly and clearly and with compassion. Thank you Sandra...
When the bingo set came I realized I do not remember how to play bingo. I didn't order little dots I am guessing I can find something at work that will work.
She's unable to articulate whatever it is that she is going through, which leaves me feeling "responsible" for every facet of her personal happiness, comfort, and quality of life. All I can do is "guess" what she needs from moment to moment, and every day for the past 3 years I've felt as if I'm failing miserably, completely overwhelmed and helpless. She doesn't remember how to sew, paint, knit, crochet, read or write. I have repeatedly adjusted my expectations downward in terms of what she can handle. Last month I was at the bottom of the barrel, just gave up on even the simplest of crafts and hobbies, and brought her a coloring book and crayons instead. Well, she was not able to do that either, and I just had nowhere to go from there.
So I spent the weekend praying for guidance, praying that God would give me the insight that I needed to be able to care for her. I had to stop being "responsible" and give everything over to Him; to step back and open my heart so that he could work through me. What a relief it was to give over that burden! I don't do anything differently than before -still have the same chores and things that need doing on her behalf - it's the attitude that's different. I came to undertand that all I need to do is really, just LOVE her the way she deserves to be loved, the way God intended for us to love one another.
I don't tear my hair out with worry any more - I have faith that God's got my back. So I've let go of the anxiety, fear and frustration that Mom used to see in my face and hear in my voice. I do whatever I need to do, with a soft voice and patient manner, listening carefully and directing her gently and with tenderness each step of the way. That, with frequent hugs , touches, and encouragement, is what she needs most of all. For the time being, Mom has been responding very well to this, in terms of her moment-to-moment sense of contentment. As she deteriorates in the months or years to come, this equilibrium may not last, but at least I will know that I was able to give her the very best of myself when she needed me the most.
I hope this will help you in some small way, even if you are of a different faith or none at all. Any person can find a way to tap their inner strength and serenity and to use that for the benefit of others, with no expectation of recognition or appreciation. And BTW, you'll probably get the best results engaging her interest and attention with pets, children, and movies or picture books of that genre. Take her to the park, to school plays, the daycare, the petting zoo.
God bless and keep you and your mother!
---- Sandra
So she's content to do nothing, and you could say she is depressed, but I don't think it's depression. She's just not interested in anything... and as fredflyer says... she is tired. I don't think she's capable of sewing either, doesn't have the concentration it takes... I could see her easily hurting herself. She doesn't crochet or knit...
Thank you so much everyone...
Every year after the age of 90 I noticed quite a decline in my parents energy.... I remember reading somewhere that every year after 90 is like 5 years for that one. They are aging very quickly now. More aches and pains. Reduced hearing, poorer eyesight. Still somewhat sharp, but at times their reasoning is a bit fuzzy.
They do enjoy football even though Mom can barely see the TV set... she still knows all the major football quarterbacks, and all the head coaches. I never inherited the football gene so I just nod when she talks sports :)
Oh, they both love classical music and Big Band music and I always hear it in the background whenever I call them.
One thing I do that may or may not help your mom, is I get my 94-year old mom out of her senior care living facility so she can still see there's still "life" going on. So she can see dogs and kids and trees and new cars (she'll always comment on how bright the colors are or how big they are or how much traffic there is).
While she enjoys her routine and is pretty happy where she is, whenever I get her out for a drive or a bit of shopping or to a restaurant, her mood over the next few days is really brightened.
Try to find articles or books on subjects she used to enjoy and try reading them aloud to her. A two-page article, for instance, may need to be read to your mom over the course of several hours or days since she may not be able to follow it all at one time.
How about photo albums? That's always a great go-to activity for elderly people, especially those with dementia.
Sometimes she watches TV, but I know she can't follow what's going on which is probably why it doesn't interest her. She can't read anymore; sometimes pages through Blair catalogs, but all-in-all, doesn't have much interest. I always ask her if she found anything she likes; if so, I'll order it for her. (I like your idea of photo books!! Mom would love some with animals. You've given me an idea; I think I'll order some doggy magazines! Thank you!!)
Mom's safe, surrounded by people who love her. She feels safe. Her every need is accommodated. But it's hard watching a once-vibrant woman reduced to sitting in a wheelchair all day looking sad.
Really hard.
I try to fuss over her "things" -- put jewelry on her every day; comment on how pretty it is . , . I've bought her sparkly hats and shoes because she always liked those kinds of things . . . yesterday, she wore a pink sparkly hat all day that we fussed over the day long (as did her visitor). But still, left to her own devices? She just sits. And looks sooooo sad . . .
Oh, to your question: I ask her to help match/attach socks out of the laundry. Some days, I just detach all the clean ones and give her a pile of them to sort. Fold my and Tom's undies. Today, I plan on asking her to help clean all of our costume jewelry. If you have a tangled chain, you might find out she'd enjoy messing with it to untangle it. We give her all the plastic bags from the grocery store so she can ball them up and gather them together in one bag. I wheel her to the front door sometimes, when she has the interest, so she can people watch a little while.
Like . . . I want to keep her brain busy. But then I just have to realize she doesn't have the "same brain" she had ten years ago. And it makes me sad.