My Mom is broke, has dementia and is mean. I no longer want her to live with me and my daughter. What are my options?

As Pam says - when she is in hospital tell them you can no longer care for her and resist any coercion to take her back She is far too ill for you to care for and I agree that having a 17 yr. old daughter at home should tip the scales in your direction. Good luck.

Alone1, they will send her out of state if they have to.

I don't want to add anything except sympathy to all this good advice; just a question - doesn't the presence of the 17 year old daughter strengthen Alone1's argument? Surely the authorities would consider it unacceptable to keep an abusive relative in her home environment?

If she is in the hospital and you are NOT her POA, you must simply refuse to take her. The county will take over and get her the first Medicaid bed they can find. It may not be close by, but that would be a blessing in disguise.
A PRI test is not a comprehensive neuro-psych exam and clearly that is what she has needed for a long time. She needs a supervised setting to protect her from her own bad decisions. You need to let them do that.

Alone1, was one of the facilities James Square? I remember some time ago people who had memory issues went there. But that could have changed as who quality and if Medicaid is accepted. The building is located on James Street [from downtown Syracuse, go east on James Street, it will be on your right just past WSYR TV station building, it looks like a 4 story hotel, which I think it was decades ago].

Otherwise, if you hadn't already, contact Onondaga County Council on Aging.

[I am a former Syracusan]. Good luck in your search.

If all gov't supported routes fail, is there a board and care home for something not too much over her monthly income? Or could she get any kind of community waiver where she would have some supervision in an apartment of her own,and maybe a day program to go to?

Wow.. these stories remind me of all my issues. My heart says care for my mean, depressed and angry mother but my mind tells me to run. I find myself frustrated and miserable as if all her emotions jumped on me. I miss myself and often wonder where I left myself behind. My siblings are to selfish to help and my mom doesn't have the funds to pay for elderly home living. I often wonder will I smile with serious joy again. I suffered from cancer all last year and my mom concern was what about her well being. I'm tired and exhausted from feeling like alone with these struggles. So glad to find this site to help me understand I'm not alone with elderly struggles.

I have worked and requested help from the social work of her geriatric specialist MD and she wasnt much help. I had a PRI test done for placement and it suggested an assisted living, but there are only two assisted livings in Syracuse that wil take medicaid and they were the ones who refused to accept her saying she needed a locked unit. I have looked into the department of aging and every where else I could think of for help paying for a facility with memory care because most of them here are private pay. If I take her to the hospital and tell them I cant take care of her will she be able to stay there until they find her somewhere?

There is no way I could care for my mother in my home. As others have said, tell them at a hospital that she can no longer live alone. But, you have to get her there, first. To the second poster, keep telling them. Do not pick up your mother.

If she is truly broke, she should qualify for Medicaid, and that should cover an assisted living facility as well. I recommend the course of action another poster recommended. Tell them in a hospital that you cannot take care of her anymore, and a social worker will get involved. There will still be work for you to do in terms of choosing a facility, but there will be a social worker or placement aide in your corner helping you with decision making.

Eyerishlass's got the answer for both posters. Hospital. You can't abandon someone you've cared for on a street corner, but you can refuse to take him/her home from the hospital. "I cannot take care of her anymore. She has dementia. She cannot be left alone."

OMG! I feel your pain! As I read your story it seemed like I was reading my own. My Mother is currently in the hospital. She was trying to starve herself to death. She is impossible to take care of. Things have come to a head in my house. I can no longer do it! I too suffer from depression and at times I feel like walking away from my home and leaving her just lay there and never return. However, my conscious will not allow it! All I do is cry. The only reason why she is still in the hospital is because I keep telling them I can no longer take care of her. The Doctor talks to her for about 5 minutes and he says she is ok! She admitted to the ER doctor and social worker that she wanted to kill herself. She gets angry with me and admits the same to me and my daughter. But the Doctor says she is stable.The thought of bringing her homes brings me to a deep dark depression and tears. The social worker at the hospital says her insurance may stop paying at any time so I must prepare myself to bring her home. I keep telling them I can't bring her home. I can no longer take care of her and I can not provide a safe environment for her to live in. My mother refuses to cooperate in any way. She suffers from multiple conditions including dementia and depression. She has mobility issues but can still walk, feed and dress herself. I was told because of this she is too independent for a nursing home! Her primary MD says she should go to a home but since my mother is in the hospital her MD is not handling her care. Mother has social security, community medicaid and a medicare HMO. This does not cover nursing home care. I can only sympathise with you. I have no advice because I am in the same situation. Good luck & God bless.

If she scored low due to behavioral issues, you contact her MD and ask what placement in appropriate. She may need meds, she may need memory care.
Go up to the Search Site box and type in Syracuse, NY. A lot of information will pop up. If she admitted to a hospital, do NOT agree to pick her up. Force Social Services to take over. You should not have to live like this, and yes, she may outlive you. 30% of caregivers die before their patients.

Alone,

I'm so sorry you are trapped in such miserable circumstances.

Others may have better ideas but if you can get your mom to the ER you can tell them that you cannot take care of her anymore. They'll get a social worker involved and I suspect you'll have some options. But it has to be that you "can't take care of her anymore". Not that she's mean, not that she's ruining you life, you "just cannot take care of her anymore."

People who can dress and feed themselves can still go to a nursing home, I don't know what that person was talking about.

What happens when it becomes clear to your mom that she may have to move?