I live in South Africa in a small town at the coast. Even if you just talk to me it will be ok. I feel desperate. My mother has very serious Alzheimer's and my dad serious dementia. He has no short term memory. I can visit them in the morning for a few hours and late in the afternoon he will come out of the bathroom and ask me if I have just arrived. His logic is also gone. My mum is seriously ill, physically and mentally and he denies it. He is extremely stubborn. When my mum tells him about all the "terrible people" that are threatening them inside and outside the house, he goes along and believes that it is ghosts that he can't see, but that they are haunting the house. Telling him that it is part of my mother's illness is to no avail. Everybody is in some way a threat to her, even me. I have helped them through the years. But now it is getting too much. They have no friends and hardly any family left. I am a single mum with a teenager threatening to leave the country if I don't distance myself from the situation. Staying with them is not an option. My problem at the moment is that they don't want to open the gate and house for me at times. I nearly had the police breaking down the doors last week. My dad changes the locks on the gate on a daily basis, really. They double bolt their doors in the house from the inside. They don't answer their phone. They need help but fight me and everyone that wants to help. They are at heart very dear people but my dad's stubbornness and my mum's very critical outlook on life has now taken its toll and intensified in their illnesses. Their personal hygiene is .suffering so is everything else. It is a constant and daily battle with them. I feel that I am letting them down, yet my other self is saying that there is no much more that I can do if they block me this way. In our country they have got the last say. Making peace within my heart seems the only way. Please talk to me. Thank you so much.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
AngelofPeace, sounds like your parents are feeding off of each other when it comes to their memory issues. I think the only way you can take them into a nursing home is when one or both parents have to go into the hospital, and from there transport them to memory care facility. You are doing the best you can, you aren't letting them down, your parents just keep blocking the way.
Even if you can get past the front gate, then what? Logic isn't going to work with your parents, their mind won't register. And you definitely can't carry them over your shoulder to a memory care home.
Your son sounds like he has good insight, you really need to distance yourself from this situation.
You can no longer expect your mom or your dad to make rational decisions or to behave rationally.
I don't know how it is in South Africa but if you were here in the states with this situation I would advise you to call the Division of Aging (it goes by several different names but it all means the same). I would advise you to call your state authorities for seniors in trouble. This is too much for one person to deal with and you need help.
You said if your country "they have got the last say". You mean your parents? The elderly have the last say? If that is the case you have 2 options. You can continue to try and care for them which would put your own health and sanity at risk not to mention your own family or you can call the authorities and walk away knowing that you have done everything in your power to help your parents.
You can't force your parents to accept help. We can't force anyone to accept our help. And it doesn't sound like your parents are even asking for your help. Their dementia has made them irrational and they can't be expected to act rationally but it sounds like you can't even get close enough to them to assess what kind of specific help they might need.
If these were my parents I would call Division of Aging. This problem is way bigger than you and you've hit a wall. You need some outside help.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your parents. You have a teenager threatening to leave the country? That's what you need, more pressure. Being a teenager, your child is old enough to understand that this is something you need to deal with. Don't respond to an ultimatum, you have enough on your plate with your parents.