My FIL (84) has lived with us for 10 years, since his wife passed away. He won't accept outside help. Advice?

I agree with those who say to offer a choice. Outside help coming in or moving to assisted living. You have given more than enough. Don't sacrifice your marriage, too.
Carol

Explain your feelings to him. Ask him if he was in your shoes, would he want the situation to languish like it has been? Let him know that either outside help becomes part of the care routine, or he'll need to go to assisted living -- that you simply cannot care for him entirely at this point.
We got nurses aids to come in and help my dad (who had lived with us for 7 years at that point), and since they came three days per week, it gave me (who worked from home) some ability to get out and do errands, etc. -- and eased my anxiety about having to stay home with dad all the time. Don't be mean to him, or treat him in any way that you yourself wouldn't want to be treated. He's still your dad, and you owe him respect and dignified treatment. People at his stage -- my dad included -- are not really themselves anymore. Dementia and other maladies change their typical personality and logical ways of dealing with people. Be patient, loving and respectful of him.

You can't change anyone's behavior...except your own.

As I heard as a kid, "My house, my rules." So your house, your rules.

Either he moves to Assisted Living, or you two do. Your pick.

You don't owe him any more then you've already given him. Our grandfather lived with us for 16 years and would go off on drinking binges every time his SS check came in. My parents finally asked him to help kick in on bills and he fought them, then finally gave in but said not to expect him to do anything around the house to help out. And he never did.

Finally, after we kids had all grown and moved away, Mom and Dad decided enough was enough. They sold the house and after the police got him out of the house, mom and dad did help him move into an apartment within walking distance to a grocery store (he didn't drive anymore) and a hospital so he could check himself in if he had any problems (he had COPD).

He fought them through the whole thing, but finally settled in and ended up liking it in the end. He live 5 more years there, then checked himself into the hospital one night and died of emphysema.

Assuming your husband feels the same, you outnumber FIL two to one. Sell the house. Help him find somewhere else to live. You never know, you might find he's a changed man and much happier for it; but even if he isn't he can be just as curmudgeonly in IL/AL as he is in your home, if that's how he likes it.

My mom didn't live with me, but she too refused outside help. She only wanted me to be there everyday and night. I had to give up my family last summer and practically move in with her. After a couple of months I HAD to get help. She hated every minute of it.--to me that is. From the Help's view on this my mom was pleasant to her. After three months though, my mom told her she couldn't afford her anymore and she would have to go. The help called me and I told her she needed to stay, but my mom was making it very difficult on her and gettting mad at me for paying her. We told my mom that the insurance was paying for it--lie, beg and steal is what we do to saitsfy them. She tolerated it for a couple more months and the lady came in one day a quit. Well, my mom, as she is, cried and said the lady came in and quit on her and how that hurt my mom--remember she is the one that told the help she would need to go. Any who--my mom was alone again and trying her dangest at her manipulation to get me back, I told her I could not come back--ask anyone on here, I had a hard time with that. I finally was able to break free from going and calling and letting her be lonely. AFter a couple of months of lonliness, she agreed to move in to AL. She is still miserable, but I am free knowing she is safe.

I suggest to get him in AL when you are able and let him be cranky and unappreciative there and not in your home. You and your husband deserve time to yourself. Someone told me once that we only owe our parents respect and I have learned that is so true. Respect him in another place. Good luck and best wishes.

When you offer him the choice, tell him either one is a trial 'for a month'. He still has to permanently choose one or the other, so if he rejects the first choice and after a month wants a change, he still only has the other choice....BUT...it gives him more of a say. We did this with my Dad who had dementia and Mom could not handle him 24/7 at home anymore. Another argument you can make, that our eldercare attorney told us, with my Dad, is that if you do not have a plan for help in the home, and something happens when you are not there, someone can call adult protective services and if they think the person is not in a safe situation, THEY take control and he and the family no longer have control of where he goes or when. With my Dad, he then agreed to try someone coming to the home a few hours a day several days per week. By the time the 'month' was up, he liked her so much and his dementia had clouded his sense of time, that he never remembered it was to be temporary. My Dad had been in an angry mode part of his dementia and was constantly arguing and fighting with my Mom, so police HAD been called for welfare checks several times. I say if you are choosing the home with help route first, then you two plan to go away, and explain there has to be a plan for someone to help him, in case anything happens....because of the APS potential to get involved....and then just continue the schedule of a helper. You can always have things you must do or want to do that take you away, so 'the helper is coming today' because we cannot be here. If he were to choose AL, the same thing, it can be a trial for a month. Most AL would do that or call it 'respite care'. By the end of a trial, my guess is he won't mind the new routine or won't remember that it was to be reconsidered in a month.

Are you and your husband on the same page on this?