Caregiver over stepping boundaries. Any advice?

Great advice here but I'd like to stick up for younger people. A university that uses my book in their gerontology class to help humanize the family caregiving experience invites me to talk with the class just before graduation each year.

All of these young people have done internships and most are CNAs who've worked their way through college by caring for elders. Ninety percent are passionate about the people they care for.

That being said, this particular woman doesn't fit that mold and should be talked to in a business like way, monitored and if she doesn't shape up, fired.

Older caregivers can be wonderful, but what I'm saying is that age isn't the issue - the person is. One older aide slept on the couch during the time she was supposed to be working and smoked in the house (and denied it). Others, of course, are real jewels who love elders.

Finding perfection only happens once in awhile. Finding someone who at least does the work with a smile and listens is great. Maybe this young woman could improve with guidance – maybe not.

Good luck with this situation. The brothers are a problem here for sure.
Carol

This caregiver cannot insert herself into your family's business without your family's cooperation. It is likely your siblings are somehow encouraging her interference. And perhaps your five siblings wouldn't be getting along famously in this crisis even if you didn't have this particular companion for mom.

One person should be given the responsibility of dealing with this care giver. If any sibling has a problem with her, wants to give her additional duties, whatever, it should be run through that person. Having five different bosses is impossible.

With everyone's help, come up with a list of responsibilities and expectations. That "one person" should present that list to her. One of the entries on this list should include which sibling she should come to with any problems or questions.

If your siblings are not presenting a united front, you will continue having problems no matter who the care giver is.

She's 23? Cute and a hottie?? Smack brothers upside the head?? I may be wrong but I can;t imagine many 23 year olds are mature enough to care for a pt with dementia. She probably never did laundry before..LOL. She needs to rethink who her boss is.. if you are living in the home, and not brothers. I think I would have to come up with alot more chores to keep her too busy to butt in, or to make her quit if brothers wont come around. Maybe tell her ruined clothes come out of her pay?

Kimberley, she's 23: what does she know about anything?

If you have a better alternative to propose, go ahead and propose it.

On the other hand. "Not being honest" and "putting mother's knits in the dryer" appearing so close to each other like that make me wonder what the substance of this drama is, exactly. What is she not being honest about? Shrunken woollens? Cor strike a light how did that happen nothing to do with me I swear cross my heart… That kind of not honest?

Don't get me wrong: my MIL's housekeeper put my heirloom cashmere baby blanket - the kind you could pull through your wedding ring - in the dryer and it emerged the size of a small pocket handkerchief only made of felt. I was LIVID. I am not underestimating how stressful it is to have somebody in the house you can't trust to carry out even the most basic tasks.

You're stunned that your brothers believe her version of events over yours. So would I be, if that were what is actually happening. But it isn't. What's actually happening is that your brothers have found an easy solution to the problem of what to do about mother, and they are reluctant to let it go. That would mean more work, more time, more effort while you all come up with something better; not to mention the unpleasant prospect of firing cutie-pop; and the fact is that they think that good enough will have to do and they can't be bothered with it. So it's not that they don't *believe* you, it's that they don't think it matters a rat's wotsit what is going on as long as mother isn't covered in bruises and it doesn't involve work for them.

Meanwhile, cutie-pop sees sweet little old lady that she's taking brilliant care of, plus nice brothers who praise her constantly, versus evil witch hag who is giving her a hard time (evil witch hag is you, in case you didn't recognise yourself from the description!). Cutie-pop has a lot to learn.

So, how about teaching her? Imagine she's a difficult child whom, without anyone consulting you, you've been tasked with bringing up to scratch. There would be considerable satisfaction in improving her knowledge, skills and - oh my goodness - attitude. Remember that you are the grown up in this relationship and that it is up to you to help her learn. Forget your brothers, go to work on her. Hint: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar :) Start with praise for anything she *is* getting right, would be my tip.

Fire her sooner rather than later.

Set up a Daily Program or List required for her - called duties. On a separate paper, include what these duties are - as in specifics of doing it the Preferred Way. This includes the sweater and dryer. Be specific on the 2nd page. Then, at the end of her day, you can go through it, and check mark. Any deviation - Mark it also. Do Not Be So Nit Picking. If you make it too rigid, even your brothers would say, "You expect her to do all this - like that?! She's not a robot." etc....

If she doesn't do it, can you take photos on your cellphone, download and date it and keep it on file for future reference - like when it's time to fire her?

Is she good to your mother, does your mother like her, does she show up and on time, pick your battles if your looking for perfection trust me it's not there. There is good and bad in all of us try to see the good in her.

It's hard to find good caregivers, especially ones that are reliable and show up on time. If she is reliable and shows up on time, you may just want to have a talk with her, and see if you can get her on-track.

If it were me I'd get a nanny cam (hidden camera) to see what's up. If there's nothing going on great. Nothing you need to address then. If she's lying and you're recording the proof or catch her doing something she's not supposed to do, show your brothers and insist she be fired.

Fire her TODAY! There are decent and wonderful care givers available. Again I recommend care.